Uncomfortable Me

I could have been anyone but uncomfortable me. 

I have told more than one person in the last few years that if you do something for others that you really need to make sure that you do it because you want to do it.  Never do it because you want a pat on the back or some kinda magical recognition because it you waiting for that kinda acknowledgement from a taker in your life, they you will be waiting for a long time.  And that frustration is hard to carry sometimes.   It’s okay you can do these things and your friends can profit from you and never thank you.  Others will do the bare minimum and then always be the first people to point out all the things you should be doing and all these things that need to be done without helping or at the very least

I could have been anyone but uncomfortable me. 

It came to me in a dream and it was more of a whisper than a scream.  I don’t really put much stock in these things.  I could have been anyone that I imagined that I could be and I needed someone to wake me from my sleep and it would be something if 2018 can help me be anyone other than the uncomfortable me.  But it was spoken with a seriousness.  Maybe it will come to me again, but that was the feeling right before that split second when I woke.  I woke up choking on the pills that I had shoved down my throat before I went to bed.  Nothing like waking up with the taste of the crappy med taste up your throat.  I used to dream in color. Now I don’t dream at all.

I could have been anyone but uncomfortable me. 

Maybe it’s the Zpack and Steroids pumping through me.  I dunno.  I am glad that I am on my last day of them for sure.  Just in time to get on a plane and screw my ears up some more.  They definitely make me emotional more than anything.  Would rather feel rage then cry over Taylor Swift performing on Jimmy Fallon after his mom passed away?  Before you think I am completely fucking bonkers, you can find the story here. If you actually read it and it doesn’t strike up some kinda emotion inside you then you are a fucking robot!  ☺

I could have been anyone but uncomfortable me.

My mom turned 70 today.  I love my mom more than I can ever put into words.  But now I know why I have so many issues when it comes to gifts and presents and always feeling let down for some reason.  Yes, I know I am a big baby and I am stupid.  But I bought my mom a wander bracelet for her birthday.  It I a little bracelet with the coordinates of our shore house.  I know she’s been bummed out about it being for sale so I thought it would be a great gift especially since she doesn’t need anything.   I actually liked this so much that I bought them for my brother, sister and nieces, just something to say hey…  I know we are all sad that this house is for sale but either way we can always find out way home to each other and our first happy place.  My mom just was like that’s it?  I was like mom do you know what it is…  I explained it to her..  and she was just like..  oh…  I found this 45 of a song called Ti Amo that I played over 1,000,000 times growing up.  It was the song of the summer when we were younger and in Italy.  I wrote her this card about how much the song meant to me, my love for music and how it brings me to the best summer of my life in Italy with her… and her response was I always have that.  So I struck out.  I tried.  I know I know how I have hurt others when I have been given stuff.  Cause it sucks. Fuck.  At least my dad liked his iPhone even though he told my brother it’s the size of a TV.  I am stupid.

I could have been anyone but uncomfortable me.

If you follow my Snap or Instagram you’ll see that I’ve been helping out at the gym a lot lately.  I don’t need the money, it’s minimum wage and I do it to just help out my coach and trainer.  It’s nice to be a part of something and be a part of the team.  But after 6 hours and I get my little pay I really wonder how anyone working all these retail and other minimum wage jobs makes a living, feeds their family etc.  It’s brutal.  I am scared of my life after the band.  I really have to make 2018 my year one way or another.

I could have been anyone but uncomfortable me.

So I guess I have whined, I have moaned, I have confused the fuck out of anyone who might actually read this garbage and not realize that I do have a degree in English with an emphasis on creative writing.  My brain holds millions of snippets of lyrics that run through my blood and make up every inch of my excessive body.  But I weighed about the same this week on weigh in and I do have a plan and new goal for 2018 and I will come back next week with a new blog, a new Facebook group that you can join that will be private and only for people who want to support, motivate and share with each other.  I don’t care if your goal is weight loss, doing an iron man, running your first 5k but if you need a friend, motivation or a gym buddy then this will be for you.

I could have been anyone but uncomfortable me.

My wife posted this photo of me on Facebook yesterday and I was horrified.  But I left it up.  This is me.  One way or another.  This year has beat me up mentally and physically. 2018 will be a much better year and we’ll all do it together.  I am 90 pounds less then when I started 4 years ago.  I am still just uncomfortable in my head, in my body and in general.  I could have been anything but uncomfortable me is where I am right now.

I am leaving for Florida in the morning.  Maybe I’ll find a little Christmas there.  Maybe the sun will be just what I need.

Thank you for hanging in here folks.
#into2018 #50in2018 #teamfranco

Franco