It’s been almost a month since my last blog. I have my days where work is challenging, fun and I am working my ass off and then I have some days where I am just reading and researching and I get to sit in the pool with the dogs for a quick lunch break. I’ve visited customers, taken a few to lunch and that’s working out well. I love my job. So that shouldn’t stress me out anymore right? What’s the problem? Why do I feel like I am spiraling? What is going on with me? The band has gigs. Life is good. So why do I always feel famished? Why do I have to talk myself into going to the gym over and over again? How do I stop making this hurt?
I have spoken about this before but I am an admin in a Facebook group for Universal Plus sized enthusiasts. Ironically enough, Universal Studio Orlando is not very plus sized friendly in many aspects. A lot goes into every single ride and tips and tricks for it. I had no idea that was an issue till a few years ago my nieces told me that their dad couldn’t fit on the Harry Potter rides… of course after we had booked our first visit and then the panic and anxiety set in. I had many experiences there in the last few trips. I was most stressed when I visited in March. I am not where I need to be and I am 74 days away from my next visit. So I have to get myself at least to march if not beyond. FUCK!
I tell people that are too hard In themselves that they need to give themselves a little grace but then I never give any to myself. Grace is something different than making excuses for yourself.
It’s summer and I am a summer God! Not sure I can be fun Franco and make this happen. But we have a lot of money on the line and 8 people rolling with us when we go to Universal in early September. While they are my ride or dies and I’ll never let them all down, I am most concerned about letting myself down. I deserve grace, I also deserve to cross that finish line. I deserve to be comfortable in my skin. I deserve to be me. This is me, Unplugged. Hurting a little, looking for grace.
I wish I could tell you what I am going to do next, rewire my brain? I am not doing Keto right now. I am just doing straight calories so I have switched from logging with Macros to the Loseit app again and I am just trying my best. I have to fall back in love with my Peloton. We have a had a love hate relationship over the last few months and I think it’s mad at me.
The wave runners are in the water. I had a few great weekends at the shore. I have a really nice work set up here. Yeah I am here now 🙂 And I’ve been surrounded by love. Summer.
Last night I got a phone call that i wasn’t expected in a million years and my heart broke a little. I am not really ready to talk about it, it’s still processing. But it hurt. One of my ride or dies… not riding anymore. A few Tito’s later I could not snap out of the funk…. and as word spread, it just quadrupled. Life. It just keeps coming at you. Surrounded by friends, still just held it all in. One of my partners was literally crying…. so Life hurts. I held that shit in but I don’t like seeing the people around me hurt either.
Stop making this hurt. I am over it. Two steps forward and five backwards. Maybe. Something has to give.
Still over a 100 pounds lost. Still stuffing my body in tight jeans. Still me trying.
I’ve been thinking too much.
I feel this hard. So very sorry for your loss. That is heartbreaking. Sending you love and extra grace…for when you can’t find it yourself.