Here I am trying to figure this all out again. Broken. Hurt. Falling apart.
I was leaving a show in early April and heard a crack in my left knee. I was down for a day or two, visited the doctor and got a Cortizone shot, and felt much better by the weekend. Then I stepped on stage for the band’s anniversary show and could not walk the following day. Fast forward to doctors’ appointments, and MRIs, that could be a blog in itself but here I am with two stress fractures, no meniscus and God knows what with the ACL. A week or two on crutches followed by walking with a cane ever since. I bought a stool to sit behind the keyboards. I don’t come up to sing very many times throughout the night. Falling apart. this is not the summer I dreamed about all winter.
What doesn’t help is the weight I’ve gained since Covid took over. I’m not blaming Covid. I put the alcohol, the food, and everything else into my mouth. I stopped being religious about logging food, the gym, and keeping active. That’s on me. That’s no one else’s fault. I went from large T-shirts and slid right back into 2xls when I flat out promised myself that I would not ever get into any more clothes with an x in them.
So here I am like many other Mondays (yeah I know it’s Wednesday now, I’ve been busy, ZIP IT) recommitting to myself for many reasons. I need to lose 50 pounds to get to a comfortable place. I need to take the weight off my body so that my body can do what I need to do for me. But while I can do some gym stuff and I will, I have to do most of this work in the kitchen. I will need to hold my food and my drinking accountable. My magic number right now is 28. Sucks that I am right back here. Blessed that somehow I didn’t spiral enough to be at 100 again. Guess I am going to have to still give myself a little credit that I kept off the 72 pounds. But I can do better.
But here comes the changes that I need to do. That is what sucks sometimes because I know what needs to get done. It’s even worse that I can’t do the exercise that I want to in my head. I don’t care what people do around me, they just have to understand that I’m not gonna eat breakfast at 9 AM because I’m fasting till noon or 1 pm. And that’s OK they can do them and I will do me. I will be OK. I’m not going to order four pizzas to the condo at 11 o’clock at night. Apparently, everyone comes down the shore and wants pizza. But I’m going to have to really work on having things that I can eat easily accessible. I can be very strict with myself when I’m home. At the shore, it’s a little more of a lazy keto trick than it is perfection. Fuck my life I sound like a broken record.
I haven’t been doing much. I have been resting. That’s what the doctor said to do. The doctor looked at my MRI and said you need a knee replacement but when are you going to do it. People need to be entertained. People need to have fun. Well Doc, I am at a point in my life where I need to have fun too. So I’m trying to figure this shit out. I am trying to keep myself from a dark head space because it is frustrating.
I went to see the Stadium tour on Saturday and literally sat between two moms worrying about me all day. I was okay. I had talked to all the voices in my head and I told them that I was going to make it through the show. I must have scared them into it. I was out there taking it all in, band after band I was getting more and more tired. I could feel my body giving out. I pulled every ounce of adrenaline that I had out of me to get from the baseball field up the million steps to the promenade and then finally to the car which thanks to my cousin Frank’s suggestions were a lot closer than I thought it was. It was hot, sweaty, very pot-smoke-filled but so very awesome. I had an amazing time. We were close and my friend Sean gifted us tickets and there was no way I wasn’t going.
I started writing this a few days ago and was ready to just delete it. But I am not going to. So many of us feel the same way. I posted a meme a few days ago on my IG that said something like “forgive me and my bathing suit, I thought we were going to all die over the last few years so I have been snacking”. Well, seems legit. But I am not alone. You are not alone. I was in a very good place when the world shut down. I wish my self-control or headspace was better. But none of us can really erase the path but we can slowly change our course for the future.
I will be writing, checking in, and keeping myself accountable here again more often. Stop over once in a while.
We can get better because we’re not dead yet.
Thanks for clicking over.