I’m sitting on a plane heading towards Florida between nick and Brett and it’s 7am and I’m on my second drink and I jus5 finished an episode of Shameless and I decide to write a little and turn on New Year’s Day by tswizzle. I can see the sun coming up out the side window and I find myself at a strange peace. I am watching the stupidest movie ever and there are tears in my eye. UGH.
I’m running away…. the Christmas cards were coming in and my friends had the spirit…. I’m running toward places where google and trip advisor says that I’ll find this happy Christmas spirit for myself for a-couple grand. You can really bottle it and put a price on it I guess.
Engagements, cats, dogs, kids, happy family newsletters filled with promotions, marathons run, and babies etc….. life moves on for everyone and my newsletter would start the same as it has in the past….
I played over 100 shows this year…. my bills are paid… my debt isn’t bad, one of my kids seems happy, the other the jury is still out on. Neither of them really needs me or their mom really. I’m fat. I want to get better. I’ll get better. I’m sorry I didn’t get better. Wait fuck. This is a broken record right. But I like broken things apparently.
But hey we all have those demons right.
Florida. Family. Sister. Too Much Rum. Nieces. Too many steps. Too much walking. Home.
Something is making me feel blah. It’s raining and warm here in PA.
Was sitting at Bob’s Furniture this morning and watching this older dude, fix an order for me and struggle with the computer and then a weird feeling over came me as I walked around Sam’s to grab a few things and pointed out a cool looking meal prep bag for women… I said to Amber that I had something better in the closet if I ever find a job I’d love to go do… And then it hit me harder…..
At what age to you have to say to yourself….maybe I’m not gonna make it? I tried. I have. I keep having dreams. But when do you just finally make peace with yourself and give up?
I had a nice time in Florida. I am had a few moments. I fit in the Harry Potter rides fine. My last ride on the Forbidden Journey started angrily when the kid would not help me push it the three clicks and made me get off the ride almost driving me into tears of rage with my nieces there. I got back on it a few minutes later and it was fine. Of course that was the time that the fucking ride gets stuck with me in the air and on my back with the Whomping Willow three inches from my face as the crazy latina women next to me freaked the hell out. Panic attack and hell as my phone was blowing up from everyone looking for me.
There wasn’t anything that I couldn’t do or didn’t do that I wanted to do.
I deleted my Snap chat today. I’m going to stop looking at snippets of everyone else lives and what songs they are playing while snapping and driving. It also stops me from snapping every time I am at the gym, this way I just will be doing my thing and my thing for me alone. If I didn’t need Facebook for the band or someone else in the band could update it as much as I do.. I’d abandon that for awhile at least too.
So it’s Christmas Eve, eve…. I am gonna sign off until the new year. I’ll either be back with a new plan, or there will be a new silence to breath in.
I hope that this Christmas finds your heart filled with love, happiness and above all peace. Happy New Year
Don’t take no shit from anyone.
Sometimes new dreams find you that you were never looking for. I believe your destiny discovers you when you’re looking the other way. Hugs from me to you. And yes it sucks to be on this rollercoaster of life sometimes. You’ll find it. Merry Christmas and Peace to you and your beautiful family. I’m glad you got away!
– Cindy Lou –