So today I wanted to start a blog off with the truth about moderation. A few days ago we are cleaning up after a gig and my keyboard player Dave was talking about how we should go get pizza after a wedding the following week in Westchester. Now I knew that I was going to my friend Ken’s house the following day and Ken and his wife Dottie are two of my dearest friends, but they are not good for anyone to be on a diet near. They will give you the clothes off their back as well as every single ounce of food in the refrigerator. When I started this I knew that I was going there so I made sure that their house would be my first cheat meal of the two-week run. So I said to Dave that I couldn’t do it, and then crabby the bass player, also been working very hard to get his health under control, said “everything in moderation”.
So I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks now. Everything in moderation. It seems to be a thing that everyone says who really doesn’t have a problem with moderation. (Or maybe they do) I must have a problem with it. You can’t eat whatever you want for breakfast and call it moderation. You can’t go have a 10 Wings instead of 12 and call it moderation. You can’t eat half a pizza instead of a whole pizza and call it moderation. I can’t go to the gym twice a day and watch everything I eat all week long to be moderate all weekend. If I was in maintenance mode maybe, but definitely not me.
I think people really use moderation as their excuse. This has nothing to do with crabby obviously because he was probably just busting balls. But I have been thinking about it because it’s one thing to let yourself have a cookie or two every so often and it’s another thing to have a cookie or two every single day. Moderation is a very tricky word and even trickier to integrate into your healthier lifestyle.. I never really over ate. I just never really liked anything that was actually good for me. I wish that I can open up a grab bag of potato chips and not eat the whole bag, but that’s not me.
It’s just really something to think about and I am curious if anyone is actually reading what your thoughts are.
I will tell you what’s going on with me but something else happen recently that I wanted to write about. (Not matter what I probably won’t get my true feelings out on paper here cause it’s hard) – Not too long ago and I won’t pinpoint what night because I don’t want anyone really to look that deeply into this, I heard someone say, “hey look they have a token.” And to be quite honest I didn’t like it very much, so I spun around very quickly, and told him that he was talking about my twin brother, it just blurted out.. the idiots looked all sorts of confused and I walked away. I don’t really know what came over me, but I wasn’t in the place to start a screaming match with people that were drinking heavily either. I Don’t know if they’re trying to be funny with their friends but “we” can pick on my twin brother for going to an almost all-white school, we can pick on him for being from the islands, we can pick on him because almost everyone thinks he’s a bass player, and he can pick on me for whatever he wants, but “We” are family. I know anything that would come out of his mouth towards me wouldn’t be fueled with malice. I would hope that he would defend me too, and I’m sure there have been times where I’ve have needed it and I am not about anyone else having a comment towards any of my band mates in my presence no matter how much they fucking annoy me at times. I don’t know if it’s the current climate in our country but people just seem to think they can say whatever they want anymore. Our president will be gone in a few years but compassion and love will always be needed, for us, for our children, and for better world. I mean so many amazing people doing what I do for living. I’ve met so many awesome people we’re fighting the fight every single day writing this blog and on my personal social media. I just don’t understand why people say such hurtful things. It’s caused me to really reevaluate the way I speak, and say things, and I am also doing my best to be a better person. There is still time left for me for sure. My twin brother likes to say that blacks don’t crack. I sure as shit wish that I got those genes from mom, because my shit is cracking all over.
So I guess it is time to talk more about me. This week I posted something on Instagram about hating the scale because it has not been my friend. We are now at 48 is the magic number. I let it get me for a few hours but snapped out of it pretty quickly at the gym. My coach did not seem to be very concerned and actually asked me to eat more food. I am leaning out, I am lifting more and more weight, sooner or later when we get my metabolism rocking everything will fall into place. But let me tell you the mindfuck that happens when you get on the scale and you see those numbers either not move or go up a few pounds. Now I understand that I am inflamed because of my new death eater tattoo on my Harry Potter sleeve but it’s very hard to convince yourself that first thing in the morning standing on your scale naked while your cat really judges you. So I’m working my ass off, and I think it’s coming off literally, it’s just that the scale isn’t working the way I’d like it to work. I am frustrated but I am not worried. I’ll know even better when I go to put my jeans on to go to work on Friday night. I am committed to the long run. I will have some appetizers and a good time during Eagles game but I will also prepare for it. That will be my cheat meal for the week. Win or lose. We have to get up the next day and continue with life.
I have to do a much better job of walking the walk. It’s kinda like that friend you have that posts million things about the gym or their new life or the change they are making in their life. And you are their friend, and you know flat out that they’re posting shit but it’s bull. No matter how many social media posts you make you still have to walk the walk and back them up. There is a reason why I only have shared this blog once or twice on my Facebook page in four years and that was because I was afraid a falling flat on my face on this journey. I had done this before, I had screamed it from the mountains, look at me look at me. And then I fell flat on my face. Life happened. And it broke me. I know we aren’t supposed to worry about what other people think or see in us but likes and comments and emojis have really changed that. I really don’t think there is any going back at this point. I want to inspire others to not only get healthier, but to be happier. If the grass is greener on the other side then water the grass that you have. Sooner or later it will be just as green. You might not lose 20 pounds in a month like your friend does, it might take six months, but eitherway you will lose the 20 pounds.
It is a great time to be from Philadelphia right now with the Eagles proving that they might not be the best team, they might never get the Super Bowl win, but they sure as hell are going to show the commitment that it takes to try and get there. No matter what I am going through right now with not seeing what I want to see on the scale this is where commitment comes in way more than motivation.
I hope everyone has a fantastic week. My local friends from Philadelphia please be safe, enjoy yourselves, I’ll be home in my chair with the dogs just enjoying life. I hope that some of the love that Dr. Martin Luther King had for everyone rubs off on us all. I am doing my best to make sure that there is no room in my heart for any kind of hate whatsoever. That’s all we can do right?
Be good to each other,
This post is making me super reflective. My “twin” sister comes this weekend, and let me tell you, if I heard anyone say anything about her I would have done the same!!!! I relate so much to this blog. Thank you for sharing. The scale makes me a mean mo fo when it doesn’t do what it should. But you’re right, walk the walk. That’s what I need to do more of. Have fun Sunday! I’m sure the hubs will make me watch some horrible New England team
You really need to re-evaluate your life coaches with hubbys choice of teams
Jess Howza says
1. I was amen-ing your entire passage about moderation. Moderation does not exist when you have such a “relationship” with food. I know that struggle. I’ve been trying to be more aware and to try to rework my patterns and food comforts that have been ingrained in me for my 30 years of existence. It’s a struggle everyday but I try to be kind to myself.
2. Love your view of watering the lawn you have.
3. You don’t owe anything to anyone. You’re doing the best you can to better yourself, for yourself. And that’s all that matters. You’re doing a hell of a lot more than most, so when the numbers don’t move, remember that you’re still making progress and folks notice…and people like me appreciate your candidness. ❤️
I have a realistic goal for this year. Nothing crazy, something workable. It’s hard to tell the coach, hey, i worked the program and a few pounds came back and he goes.. you are going to eat more this week. WHAT? that blows my mind. But I am trusting him and working on fixing my metabolism. Love you Jess. I can’t wait to see you and the family.
Jess Howza says
Same!!! Can’t wait. It will be lovely. One night when I can get away i will need to treat myself to seeing you guys play again.