I’m Not Okay (I Promise)

Well I can’t believe that I am writing this morning because it’s been quiet and I am not sure at this point if many people are reading…  Maybe I got to the 100lb goal and interest fainted.   A part of me wants to just stop.  But a part of me wants to be there to inspire, be accountable, and keep dreaming.  So here I am.  If for no one else but for me. I might try to play the victim but I honestly don’t play that part very well because I am much stronger than that.

This was my birthday week and to be honest it was met with a lot of indifference.  It came with a lot of things that I felt inside myself that I didn’t like.  When I was 25 I was in a horrific car accident that almost killed me.  At that age your indestructible until you spend almost a year in rehab, hospitals, learning to walk again and having your grandma empty your bed pan for you.  That limited liability auto policy quickly becomes full tort and full everything when you realize that you are not Superman and that your body can turn against you. I beat that and although it helped with my body taking on even more weight it shaped me into the person that I became.

It also showed me my mortality for the first time.  It taught me to be scared of things that I wasn’t before.  And while everyone else was crying over David Bowie and Lemmy I was scratching my head because that man had billions of dollars and he still died of cancer.  Nothing could save him when cancer called.  He was 69.  I am 45 now.  I am not ready to go anywhere.  I might have been when I was 25.  I might have wanted to die in that hospital bed for the first few months while I lied there in pain.  But I don’t anymore.  Even then when I wanted to die in my sleep more than anything..  I still hoped the weekend would come faster so my dad would bring my little brother to see me.  They would drive from Virginia every Friday night.  Even when my dad was tired, My brother would make him come to me.  My brother liked me then.  I am not sure why but the recent deaths in music and realizing no matter how good of care that you receive that you can’t fight certain evils really scared me.  I never really cared about my age before.  For some reason this year it had hit me.

We went to the FOP for dinner on my night off Friday past.  What started as a few couples, ended up being a lot of people.  And that was nice. I think my favorite part was shoving as many people as we could in the photo booth there.

Saturday night the band played a beer and beer type event for the Bridesburg Boy’s club and it’s funny that my friends who grew up there didn’t come but I had a few brides and grooms and friends surprise us by getting tickets to see us.  The load in kinda sucked but it was a lot of fun. So many nice people and I was really surprised that together we sold the event out and then some.  Next year I am going to be even more active with them and get it sold out before the night of.  It was a really good deal. The band sounded great and it was fun.

Sunday I had three shoots and then did a little Superbowl Sunday damage.  My birthday hit on Monday.  The funk continued.  My Facebook blew up with well wishes.  Pope Francis said to be kind to each other for lent and drink and eat whatever the hell you want.  I knew I liked that guy.  So I’ll try to be kinder to those around me and ultimately myself too. Got 100 bucks for Nike and a few bottles of booze for my Birthday from friends.  My parents sent me $50 bucks.  It’s weird to be 45 years old and cash a birthday check from your mommy.  Shit.  I cashed that check don’t you worry none.  Mom said to get myself something.  Just like my grandma used to say.  Treat yourself to something.  I will mom!  Mom is always right.

I spent my birthday at the gym for 2 work outs with a photo shoot in the middle of it all for a break.  I weighed 303.5. Not too bad after a birthday dinner, weekend and Superbowl party.

Today, I was under 300lbs again and the first time for a weigh in/blog day for awhile.  299.3 lbs.  That’s under 300 and I’ll take it.  I know I’ve posted something similar before.  But this is a photo from last night at the gym.  I am carrying a 100lb sand bag. That sandbag is pretty much everything that I fought so hard to lose.  I have no idea how I carried that around.  And honestly, in 1999 I was carrying around 2.5 of those on this body.  What the fuck was I doing?  Was I in pain?  Did I really want to die?  Did I not love myself enough to save myself? Why did I let this happen to myself?  I guess you really can’t live your life like that.  And while I question it, the answers need to be fuel to keep moving forward.  That was a different place, that was a different me.  I won’t back down to the voices, temptation and old Franco anymore.

So it’s my 40th year, It’s the bands 20th year.  It’s the year that I will get my body to 275lbs.  I will cross more things off my bucket list.  I will hopefully find a job that I love.  And in the end love myself.

So the goal for next week is 2lbs.  I want to up my cardio to 3x a week at least and see what happens.  There is Sam’s Wildwood pizza in my future so wish me luck.

I hope everyone has a great week. Thank you for reading.

Franco