I want to be normal.
I want to be able to get on an airplane without fear.
I want to be able to get on an airplane without having someone come make me buy 2 tickets.
I want to go to Disney and not worry about fitting in an amusement seat and not finding out till the last minute and wanting to cry.
I want to do all the things I meant to do.
I want to be normal.
I was bumming Tuesday. I got up went to my workout… ate my post workout snack in the car on the way to the next workout and while sitting in the parking lot decided that I didn’t want to go in. I just flat out went home. I put on my PJ’s and never left the house again. I have lost and gained A LOT of weight over the years. I just hurt. My legs have so much loose and misplaced fat and skin that I want to cry every time I think about having to measure it for my spread sheet. I’ve fought the insurance companies for over a year to have some of the skin removed because it hurts my legs hanging there. I thought I hated myself at 411lbs and not sure I liked myself any more or less at 311. I felt like I accomplished something but let me tell you when you get that 100lbs off that the pressure that you put on yourself and the re-arranged goals don’t stop. I am still here trying to take off the 25 pounds I put on over time again and still want to take more off.
You can’t do this for anyone else. You can only do this for yourself. Guess what. Maybe I just needed a day in my Pjs. The scale moved. I didn’t hit my macros perfectly but I didn’t go over them either. I just took a day.
Wednesday, I woke up, weighed myself, … and told myself one thing…. You deserve to be happy. Let yourself be happy. There is a size 42 pair of jeans in your drawer and DAMN boy they make you feel good when you have them on and it’s been awhile so let’s do the work at the gym and in the kitchen… and let’s just feel good!
Thursday came and I went to OTF, went to kick boxing, ran errands, fell off the macro bus and went to see Rogue One with a bag of pop corn and cherry coke. Was I normal again? I don’t know. I didn’t weight myself this morning but I did feel like crap. So for the next two days I will make sure I hit my macros because I am looking at a full week off for Disney and Christmas and as much as I would love to be 311 again by January 3rd. I know better than to tack on that pressure. I’ll make smart choices. Not go crazy and I can get back to a strict program come January 2nd. I am going to focus on my gym and body parts again in the New Year! There is a 12 week lifting program that I downloaded for my phone. That I want to follow. So we’ll see what happens
So I am down almost 20 pounds since November 7th. 18.5 if you want to get technical. A few inches have come off my hips and thighs and I am moving forward. I am going to have a good time in Disney and Xmas Eve and then will buckle it back down on Christmas Day since I don’t do much. I will probably resume workouts and get ready for a 12 week lifting routine come January 2nd. Time to build a beach body and no I will not sell no one anything.
Things that a lot of people do without thinking, are things that I crave. I have never blended. And I probably never will. Why be normal?
I will check in before the New Year! You can follow my twitter and Instagram for more updates.
I hope everyone has an awesome Christmas and Holiday.
Be good until then,
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