I am disappeared.

A restful sleep is something that you can’t buy. You can’t force the dreams that keep you in a silent slumber. Sometimes I feel like I weigh nothing and that it’s life that weighs 10,000 pounds. And then there are worse days. Days when your mind tells you that you aren’t enough. That you aren’t good enough. Life feels like it weighs 10,000 tons. I am disappeared. Just an imprint on the bed sheets.

There is no worse feeling in the world then feeling unwanted. I swore I’d have a decent full time job in 2017 and that isn’t going to happen. I think I filled out over 100 applications in the last two months alone. And nothing. Not even one interview but I did get a really nice letter from Sugarhouse Casino letting me down easy. Someone asked me why I wanted one so bad when it seems I am able to make ends meet most of the time and it’s really so that I can enjoy being in the band. Right now it’s my main source of income and it’s stressful being the band leader. Making 8 people happy is not easy and a very big thankless job. I wasn’t always the band leader. I just had to become him.

EDITED – Just not worth it.. Writing is supposed to make me feel better and it actually just made be feel worse I deleted the paragraph that was here.

Brutal.

But you aren’t here for my therapy. Let’s talk about what’s going on here in my journey and fitness world. I tell you the other things, because mentally it affects my eating, my workouts, my peace of mind and most importantly my sleep.

My workouts are on point, My eating is good and I am roughly the same weight I was last year with a lot more muscle. I need more cardio in my life. I have been at a 2000 calorie diet for far too long and coach and I are going to take a few weeks after the holidays to give it more fuel, fix my metabolism up and re-fire the engines. That’s really what will be going on. I am doing my best.

This is my weeks lifting.

Yeah I killed it for sure.

The band had our photos done at my studio last week. Kinda took me back a little. Everyone no matter what they look like vulnerable and insecure about how they were going to turnout. Loose arms, loose neck skin… eyes… all the things that I thought were just things I battle in and out turned out to be something commonplace at our age. But here is a photo of me.