Fear of Falling

Are you afraid the fall?

What are you afraid of? I am a guy that loves to go to amusement parks and literally has a panic attack looking at a roller coaster. The climb and the drop just horrify me. I am actually the guy that is afraid of a lot of things.

Lately I’m afraid of falling asleep. Actually, I want to fall asleep very badly, I’d like to sleep for 10 hours. But I don’t. What I am really afraid of is not waking up. That the one time that I fall asleep will be my last. I am not sure if that has to do with my age, or what some psychiatrist would charge me thousands of dollars to tell me but I can’t say that the thought does not cross my mind when I lay down at night, every night.  Maybe that’s why I play on my iPad for almost an hour at this point before falling asleep.

Fear is a fucked up thing. I fear that I’m not good enough more times than not. That 200 job applications have yielded in one interview, that I was ghosted after, 4 we are sorry we went in a different direction letters and lots of someone has viewed your resume and nothing. If the world was right, and the band was playing, there would be zero stress about work. I always found a way. Not 100% sure that will ever come back. Is it too late to learn a trade?

Anyone who’s been reading over the last few weeks knows that my wife is taking me to Florida for my 50th birthday. Can’t have a grand opening at the speakeasy and be morally good citizens in a Covid world  – So let’s just go to the one state that give zero fucks, Florida! (I am far from complaining).  The trip is awesome and it does not come without some reservation for sure. Those reservations are all about me though. Shit, isn’t everything all about me. At least here it is because quite frankly this is my fucking blog right?

Let’s talk about my weight because in the end the accountability here is for that. So on January 4th. I started to take control of myself again. I am down 12/13 pounds. Many people would be doing handstands, and backflips, but a good 10 of those pounds were just put on between Thanksgiving and January 4th. Coming out of Covid into a little frenzy of eating whatever I wanted and not logging very well. So it still bums me out to see the number that I’m seeing on the scale. Still have about 43 pounds to goal! I am doing all the right things. So I just have to trust the process. It’s the same thing I tell everyone that comes to me whining and moaning about the scale. So I guess I will whine and moan to myself, yell at myself as well.

I’m getting my cardio in.
I am lifting weights like I’m supposed to be.
My food is very close to on point.
I am not drinking a lot of booze.
I have to trust the process.
That is hard.

Can’t stop won’t stop. I played that Miley Cyrus song 1,000,000×6 or seven years ago.
Weight loss is not linear. If I showed you my graph over the seven years it’s insane the ups and downs and the quick drops. Do you have to fight through it all? If it was easy, the weight loss corporations would not exist. All the get rich quick MLM‘s would not exist.

You do not need slim fast, Advocare, herbal life, plexus, beach body shakes, Isogenixs or any of those that have to sell you something that you can’t buy at the grocery store.

Just eat real food. BUT!!!

You do know that you can over eat healthy food too correct? If you eat 3000 cal of steak, chicken, vegetables, it is still over eating. In the end you have to consume less calories than your body burns for an extended period of time so that your body will burn off the excess fat/calories. Again, in the end it is science. No matter who tries to sell it to you in whatever different way.

Fear.

I hate the drops on a roller coaster. I hate being afraid of anything.  I have been watching the videos for the Incredible Hulk ride at Universal. It’s one of two things there I have not done. Both things have crazy drops. To think that I did doom last time with Chris and still wont do the other things. I am trying to psych myself up to ride both those things on my 50th birthday. Seems like a good way to commemorate that. Even if my eyes were closed the entire time I still did it right?

But, I don’t like to be afraid of anything. It’s not that I feel that it’s a weakness or anything I just don’t like being afraid. I try to tell a lot of people that are a lot younger than me to not live that way. It sucks. You don’t want to get older and fear stupid things for sure. And I’m not talking about spiders and critters and things like that. I can’t help you there.

So when this publishes today I’ll be 9 days out of going to Florida. For those of you who have supported the Franco must wear a Harry Potter robe on his birthday all day long fund – you definitely won this one. So those of you who have supported that will get messages throughout the day of all the embarrassing pictures. The rest of you not so much. Hopefully you have a friend that will share them with you but they should not do that either. Safeguard those photos with your life. It’s going to be a good day for sure. I am not sure if I’m going to wait till the end of the day and send you a gallery of all the fun or break it up a few times throughout the day. Either way you will have access to those pictures. I did try one on last time I went and used that photo to start my own little countdown with my peeps. I will put a few of those photos in the gallery below for you.

I am doing my best to find work. I’m doing my best to keep my chin up. I guess in the end I’m just doing my best and not letting myself get down.

Unemployment has been worked out at least for the next month or two for sure. We will see how that goes. Hopefully I won’t need that long.

So, everyone in the house except me got the Covid vaccine, shot one, side effects we’re abundant here. Well maybe not abundant, but headaches and fevers and soreness definitely or in the house. Still glad my family decided to get them. This is the first time that I am going to say this, but I want my shot too. And for the first time ever I’m OK with the urgent care spitting out that stupid BMI paper after my visit that says I’m fat basically. I always knew that BMI was bullshit in this day and age. But if my current BMI gets me the shot sooner than later so I could just move forward, I am OK with it. You can say whatever you want about me on Facebook and I’ve seen plenty of you motherfuckers out there bitching at smokers and fat people, your words not mine, that can get the shots before then. Congratulations dude, you grew up healthy without a care in the world. So you don’t need the shot yet.  I know plenty of overweight people who do not overeat – who do not shove everything possible in their mouths… Who work out religiously. There is a reason why obesity is a disease, just like addiction. But you do you Facebook keyboard warrior.

My family at this point is protecting me. As usual. They got theirs.

That’s enough verbal diarrhea for one week. I hope you’re still out there getting a piece of this for you. It’s hard to believe in about six or seven weeks we will be going on a year of this crap. You are still here, you are still reading this, you are still alive, for some people it might not be much, but it sure is hell is a good start.

Keep the faith, don’t take any shit from anyone, and do it to them before they do it to you.

Feel the love,

Franco