You would think that being quiet for so long I’d have a lot to say and I guess I should but the truth is that I don’t. I don’t want to bitch about relationships and friendships and honestly I don’t want to beat myself up anymore.
I was talking to a friend who had the gastric sleeve operation. She’s in her early 20’s I believe and it saved her life as much as it changed her life and she’s been running and running and running and she’s frustrated because she’s stalled out this summer. She’s done marathons, she’s found the love of her life and she’s made so many amazing changes in her life that take just more than having a surgery. They take heart. I had advice for her. BE MORE KIND TO YOURSELF. Get back to your plan and stop beating yoursef up and be more kind to yourself. That’s really where self care comes in. It’s not really the pedicure and massage. You deserve those things no matter what I think. Being kind to youself. Not letting the voices in your hear beat you down. Those are the hard things. Those are the things that can really side track you or push you into dark places. Of course she said I was right and then later that night I was driving to the shore in Violet on top the the world and happy and found myself having a conversation with my wife that really lead me to think that I need to shut the fuck up and follow my own advice.
Yeah I was driving my dream car to my happy place and beating myself up as I found myself rubbing and playing with the loose skin on my legs. Something that I can’t control. So many things that happen to me I can control and I can change if I want and it’s the things that I can’t control that ruin me most times. They make me angry and they change me. And I have to follow my own advice because the reason that I give it is because it’s damn good advice. It’s also the hardest advice to follow.
Summer has been good for me. I can’t and should not complain. Not everything works out the way I want to but I have had fun times with family, and I’ve had fun times with friends and I’ve gotten to the shore. I started May in Florida and will end my summer run at Halloween Horror Nights in Florida too. I went into the summer at my lightest weight ever and have playing in the 10-12 pound range above that ALL SUMMER LONG because well you know ALCOHOL! And then that leads to stupid decisions. It doesn’t help that I’ve found the most amazing place for pint sized Orange Crushes. Glad I didn’t find that 6 years ago or I would still be 400 pounds. AY CARAMBA!
Guess what I know what how to bust the plateau. I know how I’ve done it before and I am not ready to do that yet. I m not strong enough right now. I will do my best to slim down a little more before we head to Florida because I have heard that the Hagrid ride is not very fat friendly and although I am not fat or at least I don’t feel that way anymore when most of your husbands and I have similar waist sizes and christ I am close to my kids sizes….. Amber has a nightmare on her hands with our laundry cause Brett and I are both larges in most things now. 😊 I find that hysterical and awesome and it’s a great non-scale victory and I don’t think she’s very amused by it. Lol.
But in the end I am a giant sized man to most people and being 6’2 or so still doesn’t make every chair or ride super comfortable.
Speaking of rides – 6 years ago I had my God Daughter and her brother in Wildwood for a few days and I went to get on the Great White with them which is a wooden roller coaster in Wildwood and I could not fit. I had to jump off and try not to feel bad as the kids went without me. Last week not only did we go on it, but we also jumped right back into the helicopter and saw Wildwood from the sky. It was amazing. It was so awesome to not have any fear of fitting in either thing anymore. I actually was panicking a little and wished I didn’t fit in the damn roller coaster but hey I was so glad I did it.
But that’s kinda how summer has been for me. Every day it’s another weird NSV as I beat myself up inside. Silly things like smaller underwear to nicer clothes to playing with the loose skin while I am driving and fighting back the tears. And honestly it’s not just about the surgery getting refused for the 3rd and final time….. I THINK my legs would feel better without the skin there but I know the surgery would not be fun and actually quite scary and not easy to recover from. I would have to disappear for awhile which honestly interests me the most out of the whole scenario. Maybe it’s time.
767 days left and I am not sure that I can make it quite honestly. But I’ll keep trying.
But I am still getting at least 3 – 4 gym workouts in a week. Some days I barley get 10K steps and some days I am crushing 20K and I don’t know if that helps or not. I think I need a basic reset and I just have to wrap my head around a 3 or 4 day fast. My head isn’t there right now. It’s filled with orange crushes and bologna.
I told my coach… which at this point is more of a mentor because I’ve been on my own with this for almost a year… that I wanted to hit the fat guy goal of ONDERLAND. Seeing 199 on the scale…. he told me that I was crazy…. and that my goal, build and height should 235. I was only 10 off from that at the beginning of the summer so I am going to set that as my goal for the rest of the year and work towards that while packing on some more muscle too come September. The goal from not until I get back from Florida is going to be to control myself a little more, reel the summer in and just be more kind to myself.
I celebrated a year at my new job this week. I’ll have to drink to that tonight when I get to the shore 🙂
Well I hope that caught you up. If you have any questions just ask. I am always ready for a dialogue.
Be more kind.
As usual, you reach right into my mind and blog exactly what I NEED to hear. Thank you. I have fallen into a cruel dialogue with myself over the summer. It’s not cool. I don’t deserve it. And I’m working hard to get out of the rut. I’m maintaining, but it’s time to get my butt back in gear. I didn’t get one single orange crush all summer. And that pisses me off! Thanks for this. It spoke to me in a very big way.