Chaos and Clothes

So I know I skipped last week and I am sorry. For the last 10 days or so I have been the funk and while I have not when crazy off the rails or anything it has been very hard to not want to eat everything in sight. I have been sticking to my meal plan, I just seem to hated it more and more.

I’ve been going to the gym and doing my programming and also doing a few hiit workouts a week. I am getting stronger and I do feel okay. The scale dropped to 308 and then over the weekend went back to 311 and was at 310 this morning.The scale has been a very very frustrating.

I am no where near where I want to be, I am always trying to be better. These pictures are only a day apart but there is something to them. Every day my head gets better and better. The voices that tell me that I can’t, I won’t, I am not good enough, to give up… those voices get quieter and quieter. I get stronger and stronger, inside and out. Make time for yourself, make time for the change that needs to take place. There is no magic pill to get us right, no one can do it for you. The answers are inside you, not someone else. I worked hard today, and even if I might have fell a little short. I gave it my best and that’s what matters the most. As long as I get another day to try again I will be lucky.

Part of me says why fuss? I am 10 pounds away from goal #1. I am back under my hundred pound goal, probably the leanest I have been a long time and have a lot of fun planned. That’s where I get nervous, scared, and things start to breakdown. It’s almost like I can’t let myself have any fun because I will’s spiral in the wrong direction. And that’s what happened to me last summer I found myself shopping for bigger bathing suits (among other things) and I don’t want to do that again this year.

I got to spend a few how hours with my parents last Friday, not sure what I was looking for, but felt a little empty when we said our goodbyes.

I miss them a lot. I still try to make them proud. My mom and dad are my heroes and while I think it would be easy enough for me to think otherwise I see things a lot differently as an adult then 20 year old Franco.

It was nice to spend a few hours with them and my nieces, and my sister too. It was a long weekend for Amber and I, I dragged her to see Bleachers, Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness, Foster the People and the Killers on Sunday night and it just felt like we’d been going and going for days.

I have been taking this weight off in the most healthiest of ways. The diet is repetitious and gets boring but it works.

We get stuck, we get lost, and we buy lies and I don’t want that to happen to me this summer.

If there is one way to make yourself feel like absolute shit when you are a big guy like me and trying so hard to lose weight is to go clothes shopping.  That will take all the lead of you for sure.

I guess women can relate cause there is something going on with clothes sizing in the apparel industry.  No two jean sizes fit me the same.  Nothing seems to work or sync up.  Went to Polo outlet yesterday and tried on a few things and they either don’t fit or just look like shit.  Even heavily discounted the stuff isn’t cheap and I don’t like buying bigger sizes and feeling so desperate to look decent.  I could have cried in that dressing room but this is far from a new feeling.

So I’ve jumped all over the place today. I am still here. Still doing my thing. Still working towards 299 and still not trying to find the easy way to get there.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and fathers day. I can only hope that I am a good one myself.

Thanks for reading.

Franco