Can We Get Clean Again?

Every thought that I repent
There’s another chip you haven’t spent
And you’re cashing them all in
Where do we begin, to get clean again
Can we get clean again? – Third Eye Blind, “God of Wine”

In 1999 I had weight loss surgery.  I lost 250lbs.  I was 550lbs that day in November and for 5 years I stayed under 300. Then bad habits, a bad hip and life took over and in 2006 was 330lbs. Then in January 2014 was 411lbs.  The weight loss surgery and it’s effects, although still rewiring me some, are no longer at work.  This change in me.  This passion that fires me… is filled with determination and also laced with fear in the end.  I don’t know what people in recovery go through.  I wasn’t a crazy over-eater.  I just ate nothing but bad things and always at the wrong time.  But I can tell you that every day I live with the fear that I threw out all my size 60 jeans.  That little by little I am throwing out my 3x shorts from the fall.  What if next summer the XL’s I can get in now don’t fit anymore.  What if I never get out of these 44 jeans I am wearing?  Fear.  Self doubt.  It all strikes at you no matter how hard you are working.  No matter what.  Can I get clean again?  Can I beat this obesity twice in 1 lifetime? I haven’t NOT been obese since 8th grade so I guess I never really beat it completely..  People still passed judgement, people still pointed fingers, people still made fun of people, and people still stared. Even at my lightest at 275 in adulthood, I was still the fat guy.

I know in my heart that I will always be.  I see him sometimes, the 550lb version of me.  He walks by me in the hallway at night when I am going to the bathroom. He’s always watching everything I put into my mouth and everything I drink.  He’ll be the one waiting for me if I fall again, with Oreos and Tastycakes.  But I am stronger than that.  I saw him on stage that night at the end of 2013 when I got the thought of this journey in my head.  He watched me from the balcony.  He looked like a sick version of me.  I knew I had to do something.  Something had to give.  I had to tackle this without pills, fads, easy fixes or surgery again.

I ask the question earlier, Can we get clean again? And I think the answer is yes, we can fight and keep fighting.  Keep getting up.  Keep showing up.  Something is giving.  Something is changing.

I wrote about wanting the photograph Wildwood NJ at sunset from the tourist helicopter last summer.  (Check it out).  I was 335lbs for most of the summer and was told I had to be under 300 to get on the copter.  Here is the thing, I hate heights. So I would usually not want to go near the damn thing.  But I also don’t like being told that I can’t do something either.  So like everything else I’ve been told I couldn’t do, shouldn’t do. Scared shitless or not, I am getting in that helicopter after Memorial Day weekend!

So I’ve waxed poetic enough for one week.  Let me catch you up on what’s going on.

I went to Orange Theory on Sunday Morning instead of Boot camp.  Bootcamp is so crowded on Sunday morning and OTF is at 11.  So it makes coming in late on Saturday a little more bearable.  On Monday I did a double.  Boot camp in the morning and night. Tuesday I did my strength training.  Tonight (Thursday) is the final night of month 2.  Back to that in a second.  Last night I joined OTF with an unlimited membership so I can go a few times a week.  It’s not cheap and I probably will only be unlimited till the middle of June.  Once summer hits I plan on riding the bike outside more and trying to enjoy the air.  But this should definitely help with my goals.

Tonight is the end of month 2 of strength training.  With that, I am going to take April off and focus on cardio and boot camps. I think I need a little more down time during the week too.  So we’ll give April a spin in that direction.

So I kept you reading enough, it’s time to tell you what’s going on. It’s nice to be able to tell you some good news too after so many weeks of writing about my plateau.  Last week I was 321.2lbs – This week is 317.5lbs. BOOM!  That’s 3.7 lbs since last Thursday.  I am 6.5 pounds from my 1st goal of 100 pounds.  Getting there.

So here is my call to action for the week.

• I am going to try and get to OTF at least 3 times this week.
• Nothing in my mouth that isn’t water.  NO ALCOHOL whatsoever.
• After strength training tonight, at least 4 boot camps.
• Continue to try and stay around 1500 calories but not over 1800 EVER!
• Keep moving forward.

Thank you for reading.  Thank you for being here.

Franco