It’s sunny here in beautiful Bucks County and I can hear the lawn mowers trudging along in the neighborhood. I have two eye patches under my eyes praying the bags under my eyes can just leave me alone for a few days and I’m waiting for the boss to come home so we can get some Chinese for lunch because I am just over prepping things to eat till I come home from my little spring break.
I just want a nice weekend. I have already been told a list of things I can and can’t talk about. I am not sure why. I am sure there is an underlying something or other going on. But no pressure. I guess I just won’t talk. The weekend isn’t about me. It’s about my parents. 50 years ago, tomorrow. My parents will be married for 50 years. 50 fucking years with the same person. JESUS. That is hard. I am at 17 ½ and I pretty much can tell you with brutal honesty that I won’t be here to see 50. No way. I got married way too old for that. I am glad that I’ll hopefully see grandchildren but that’s about it. It’s all about my mom, who my grandmom dragged to America alone at the age of 16 for a better life. It’s all about my dad who came to America with a half empty carry on. That’s it. It’s about a guy who saw a girl on Septa that he worked with that he fell in love with. It’s the reason that I am here to torment you all. So it started as a dream for sunny skies and showing my mom something she hadn’t seen in a vacation, her knee replacement and recovery were a slow go and no it’s just a get together of sorts. They will stand at the altar and renew their vows. No matter what hardships my mom has had.. she’s got us. For better or for worse. She left her mark. I hope I can live up to it before I die.
I have a lot of clutter in my head this week. I’ve sat in a lot of silence. Seems like I watch a little tv in the morning. Go to the gym and come home and just sit…. Think…. And try to nap but Luna and I can’t seem to get on the same napping schedule. So now I just sit in silence. The windows are open though so it’s not a bad silence. I wish I could get back to devouring books like candy but that fire died a long time ago.
Let’s talk about the gym.
I have been on the Precor (Elliptical) every day that I am there for at least ½ hour. The scale did move today. It’s going in the right direction. I did drink like a sailor on Saturday night. My body is changing. My upper body especially. My lower body is covered with too much skin and fat to really tell unless I am lying in bed and I feel things that I haven’t before. (get your mind out of the gutter). I did two a days all week. I got beat up by coach today. I am keeping it all together. I will not win the contest. These body fat machines don’t work on me. I feel like I tossed $20 out the window. Today one of the ladies at the gym told me that she was out to get me cause she sees me living in the gym… I told her that I was okay with her winning.. I just wanted to beat myself. Still a few pounds heavier then I was this time last year… Although definitely better toned… I am heading in the right direction and I am still going to try best to hit the 50lbs in 2018. I know that I can do it.. Safely and healthy.
I posted a cryptic message on Fb yesterday because I had stuff on my mind but really can’t talk about it… And I am just waiting for answers… And quite a few friends reached out to make sure I was okay. That was very nice. It might be adding to my silence.. I dunno.
Have you ever just not felt good enough for anything? It’s just felt like a week full of just one of those days I guess. And I know I am enough. I am the hopeful. If people make you feel less than that then they should not have a place at your table, in your heart or in your life. I guess in the end it’s a decent life lesson. I had a few people from the gym unfollow me on social media this week. I guess I am not for everyone. That’s okay. Something has to give in general. I’ll regroup next week no matter what.
I don’t like to feel needy and I can’t stand the person that I can be. Ugh.
I guess I better get ready for some R&R and say bye for now.
Catch you on the flip side.
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