Angry

And instead of wishing that it would get better
Man you’re seeing that you just get angrier – Matchbox 20

 

On Monday I weighed myself. Same. No loss/no gain.  I took my God Daughter to the light show and dinner.  Ate.  Drank a little.  Felt human.  Felt normal.

On Tuesday I woke up to walk an get moving.  My afternoon appointment cancelled and then a flood of anger hit me that hasn’t quite went away yet and it’s Friday morning.  I am snapping.  I am short tempered.  I finished my Meds two days ago so it’s not that.  I have flipped on everyone around.  Even flipped on the band Wednesday night at practice. I know I am stressed and putting a lot of pressure on myself.  I can’t stop licking my teeth and my mouth is all out of whack.  But in the end I just feel this immense anger.  And ironically it’s not really aimed at anyone.

I am not mad at anyone.  I am annoyed with the studio.  This is the slowest year at the holidays since I got the studio.  Now I know everyone is a photographer these days.  I get it.  But it’s scary.  I have a lot invested in it and it would break my heart to just close it down.  But if something doesn’t turn around soon. I can’t take the rent money out of my personal bank account that is at a 10 year low right now.  I don’t know what to do. Not to mention, bootcamp, training..  Protein..  Quest Bars…  Aren’t cheap.

This should be my best holiday season in a long time but no matter what the outside looks like the inside can still be Ugly.  It’s that simple.  And I know that I have have to repair the inside. I love.  I love hard.  I push people away.  I push them away hard.

I look and feel good.  I look and feel better.  My feet hurt this week and they haven’t in a long time but I threw the sneakers that my feet didn’t like in the trash and started over.  Having a size 14 show isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either.  Most stores aren’t going over 13 anymore.  I really like the Roche Run’s by Nike.  I went looking like crazy a few days ago and nothing.  Ordered 2 pair online, the pair I really wanted was cancelled.  WTF? I can’t win.

I am not going to tell you what I am going to do this upcoming week because I don’t now. What I do know is that I wanted to have hit my goal already.  That although no matter what you are going to tell me that I lost 90 so far and should be happy.  I didn’t promise myself that I was going to lose 100 by Jan 6, 2015.  I promised myself 100lbs.  And that’s just not me.  I’ve given up on so many things that this isn’t something I am willing to lie down that easy on.  I deserve this.  I deserve better.  I work hard.  People might not think it.  I am on stage.  In a bar.  What kinda job is that?  I’ll trade with anyone right now to have a little more stability, adult conversations and maybe a friend or two.

I should be happier.  The mall I started walking in almost a year ago had nothing that would fit me, or nothing for me to buy then. That’s not the case now.

3 weeks.  Same weight. Today.  The same.  9 pounds from goal.  Christmas coming.  Maintaining.  Need to crank it up.  Try things.  Get back to water and my Lose It app. Just seem unmotivated no matter how bad I want to hit my goals.

So I promised you that I’d be honest when I started this.  To write it like it is.  And there it is.  Like Rocky says…  the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.  I can’t always be happy, go lucky, smiling Franco.