I’m not a big fan of the Boot Camp classes I am doing right now. I don’t care what my legs need, I would be OK with a good legwork out once a week at my gym, some Peloton rides and a walk or two, and not a gazillion half-ass squats. All the creaking in my hips, legs, and everything else constantly going off while I try to do anything. After the boat accident, my legs have not been the same. I can’t get up or down very well from the ground. And it’s just overly frustrating. And when you get 10 seconds to go from the ground to the floor it makes things tough. I’m just frustrated today. Don’t mind me as usual probably talking and writing out my ass.
I’m doing my best with my eating. I’m walking most things, not everything. But I’m getting a good six days a week logged. Maybe I’m not even enough, I have no idea. I’ve let myself have a few carbs including last night I had a baked potato. I’m just in a weird place I guess.
I want to support my friends and those around me but they annoy me. I think everyone is in a winter funk. But I know what comes after winter. Bathing suits. So you can be an all the winter funk you want, but if you’re a summer person like me it does not get better after the winner. At least mentally, and especially in front of the goddamn mirror. You can write about self-care, being comfortable in your own skin, and all that other garbage, but in the end, you have to be OK with the person that’s in the mirror. Absolutely, 100% OK with that. So as you read that again, can you be? are you? If you are, and it’s with a pure heart, please teach me. I make excuses to myself but I hate letting people down around me let alone myself which hurts the most.
As of today, I have two trips to Florida on the books. Probably shove a small one in there in between to see my niece graduate. I want to look good. I want to feel good more importantly. I want to feel comfortable in my truck, in my car, and not have a panic attack getting on Hagrid. Over the next couple of days, I’m going to have to figure out a good calorie range, a good workout program mix, and give it 30 days to kick start it – It will either help completely or at the very least reset my metabolism. Something has to give.
I find myself a little under two weeks out from my birthday. Not where I thought I would be, and at the same time in a creepy mindset of knowing that there are fewer days ahead of me than there are behind me. I just go to bed every night thinking I’m not going to wake up at this point. That anxiety is crazy. Those voices are loud. Sometimes all I want is to sleep. Maybe that is the winter depression that everyone else is talking about. I don’t know. I am OK with letting this birthday go by without much fanfare. I mean, what can possibly be funnier than me running around in a full Harry Potter outfit last year? Although that was probably more of a present for everyone else lol.
I don’t have any shows this weekend, which is probably a really good thing since the snow seems to be coming finally this weekend. It is going to pummel us the way it looks right now. That’s OK, I am ready for it. Well not really, but I have to get gas for the snowblower and then I’ll be ready for it. At least I don’t have to worry about canceling shows, getting people to a show in the snow, worrying about the snow., canceling shows, sucks. Just have to worry about having enough alcohol, oh wait that’s taken care of and never a problem.
We had a little period in the band around 2006 that some band members like to call the Van Halen three-phase. I personally think that period just ended for us. The last seven months have been full of playing catch-up, and just getting by. I am over that shit. I had a plan in my head, it’s starting to come to fruition and as far as that’s concerned I could not be happier. But I think that the first weekend in February I will show me where that’s going to go. I did my best to schedule us some small shows, things that we could work out the kinks make a few bucks, and make some people happy at the same time. If all goes well that’s exactly what will happen.
I have a superpower, and it’s silence. Sometimes being quiet is the hardest thing for me. So when I am quiet, it throws those around me off a bit. But I am in that zone right now. I have to get my head right. I have to figure out how to get myself to like the person in the mirror. When I was trying to get to 100 pounds lost I had an army it seemed. I think some of that army was watching to see me fail. And I don’t blame them. Wish I had that fit fam and that core group around still. But ya know covid, gym jumpers, injuries…. You name it happened. But here I am 8 years later still trying at the very least. Doesn’t get easier. Yeah no, I don’t have any magic beans, I don’t have all the answers.
Everyone wants that remote job. I thought I did and then I craved co-workers, friends, interactions. I try to carve an hour out, run an errand, go to the gym, go get a real coffee. And some days, I grab my electronics, turn the fire on and work from there. but people need people. Working in the back corner of my house all day is not healthy and it absolutely isn’t for everyone. We are fostering two crazy puppies right now and getting work done isn’t working out too well for me. I had this crazy vision board going into the first covid winter where I made time for lunches, coffee dates, and movies and then realized, who the hell am I going to those with?
I had a few goals last blog and I hit them. I kept them the same this week. I feel like I am working on a 12 step program. Checking boxes off here and there. This is what I have become I guess.
And now I just sit in silence.