September 2021 – So Uncomfortably Numb

I don’t know sometimes what to say. I know. Who the fuck am I? I am never for a loss for words. I’m usually very honest here. I’m not sure if I am anywhere else online. I’ve always meant this to be for me and while I let people know through Instagram that it’s out there when I update it I don’t normally like to talk about it. Once it’s out there it’s out there.

Sometimes it’s never quite enough.

Since my last blog I spent a day in the hospital getting ultrasound on my leg to make sure that there was no internal bleeding. A few days later I ended up at the orthopedic surgeon and I’m pretty sure I mentioned it in my last blog I have a torn left calf. Here we are over two weeks later and I’m still in a lot of pain. I am not one to take pills nearly Willy so that’s not happening. So most of the pain is usually at night in bed. I’m getting by and doing my best. The one thing I will say is while in the hospital they made me get on the scale. That could’ve went a lot of different ways but it was nowhere near where I wanted to be. That was on September 8 or ninth and I will tell you that at this point after getting my shit together and getting back on a strict keto diet how many down 13 pounds and a few pounds away from being under my hundred pounds lost again. I did not like being in two digits lost again. Talk about feeling like a loser. And not a loser in the good sense. I didn’t go crazy on vacation with food. The biggest thing I did was have two ice cream cones because fuck the World the ice cream is good at Universal Studios. I got the Bubba Gumps and had a few of my favorite drinks, But I struggled a lot with endurance and pain in my leg. Kind of felt like I was bumming everyone out. Probably the last of my big group vacations.

I did get to do nine out of the 10 Halloween horror night houses, And let me tell you I’m trying to figure out how to get there to finish them up. I would love to go with you the last one. They were so freaking cool.

I did give myself plenty of downtime. If I was healthy this would’ve been the perfect vacation. Not a lot of running and going but I did go to see Halloween horror nights and I wanted to make sure that I did.

And I came back on Friday and rested more and more all week long and woke up Monday morning and started hard-core strict keto. I have been inner minute fasting with a 16 hour window as well as limiting alcohol and artificially sweetened drinks. Since I got on the scale at the doctors office, I’m back with the eye of the Tiger, most of it was to go to Nashville and see Chris Stapleton but I have canceled our trip because airfare is through the roof. It is really bumming me out because I really wanted to see him. And everybody would’ve went with me but it would probably hurt everyone’s bank account and I don’t want to do that. I bought the vinyl and I’ll probably buy the poster from the show I was supposed to go to and I will be it. So if I can pull off a universal trip before Christmas for a few days cheap I’m going to. But I am a little heartbroken I can see my country man crush. He has single handedly gotten me through Covid and he sings like a bearded angel.

The band is doing OK. Our new guitar player is working hard. We are doing our best. Everything seems well received. I can’t wait to throw some new music down. But playing with new people makes things a little fresher I guess. The Safetynet is gone for a while and you just have to work your ass off that much more. But I am overwhelmed and I haven’t even started 2022 club bookings. But that’s on my list to get going for next week. I finally bought a calendar for 2022/2023.

Changes. Changes. Changes.

I made it to the gym a few times this week and while I can’t do too much cardio I am really trying my best to dial in the diet.

I am going to try the elliptical next week for 10 minutes at a time before lifting. It’s usually non-weight bearing and should help a bit. It’s not gonna burn 700 calories but it will be more than I am doing.

I’ve been in the office a lot this week and so much for working remote! We did headshots in Wayne and had a team lunch that most of the team I wanted to talk to were on call after call during. I know you have to make customers happy, I know there is money to be made, but then don’t do lunches etc. I guess I am struggling with the balance of remote work, talking to myself or the dogs, and basically living behind a phone or computer to make a living. The Director of marketing was surprised that I am out calling on customers. I think it’s mostly cause I think other people are like me. People need people. That’s the end of it.

I have been living too long inside my head. And I am doing my best to get out of it. Since I have blogged last, 4 people around me have passed away. Friends from the band. Friends from the gym. Life is too damn short to regret anything. Clarence Clemons said it best, order the good wine.

thanks for reading.

I thought it was only appropriate to shoot off a blog today. The entire month of September is dedicated to acknowledging mental illness and especially this week, as suicide prevention week. A friend of mine lost their brother two weeks ago. Their story and his story or not really mine to tell, like many other people who feel like they have nowhere else to go and nothing else to turn to, we are always left with a million questions in our heads. It sucks. But in the end, it’s not about us that are left behind. We can overanalyze things, we can lose sleep, we can turn to the bottle, we can turn to some of the things that helped them decide they didn’t wanna be here anymore. The pain doesn’t really go away, does it? I post, and I re-post a lot of things from my favorite place to get help, to write love on her arms. It doesn’t mean that I am in trouble, it doesn’t mean that I am in a dark place, it really just means to anyone who’s paying attention that I understand, my door is always open, my phone is usually on, and at the very least I will listen. After all, I am the guy that sits down at the bar and will talk to anybody. You never know the life you’re going to change by simply being kind. I have my moments. I know I can be a prick. Don’t really know why that ever happens but it does.

You are not alone. We are all worthy of love no matter how fucked up or screwed up we really are. Our stories are important. That is why I’ve been telling mine for the last 7+ years here. It’s not as consistent as it used to be but I will do better. I am dry. I hate coming here and sounding like a broken record to the three people that might be reading.

But it’s suicide prevention week and I just want everyone to know that you are not alone. I’ve had four people that I know, some closer than others choose to end their lives in the last two years. They were not alone. They did not need to face the darkness by themselves. That’s all I really have about that today. We will have to be the hopeful.

So…..

This is probably been one of the most stressful summers of my life. And I am finally starting to look for the sunshine through the rain. I have to admit life really makes it hard sometimes.

When I wrote my last blog, we didn’t even know if we’re going to be able to finish our summer shows, let alone who the hell is going to be on stage with us. One Facebook messenger note to a friend in New York wishing they lived closer so they can play guitar for us, led to his brother-in-law who a few hours later agreed to fill in for us as long as we needed to. Fast forward one week, he played his first show with us blindly in Avalon and a few days later was part of the band. Almost completely against all the things I wanted for the band. And not in a bad way but I would love Bigg Romeo to continue on without me at some point. You can only do that when you hire some younger people and trust them to do the right thing, our new guitar player is a little older than all of us. You would not know it, by the way, he jumps down on his knees and does guitar solos in front of kids in New Jersey lol. But he definitely fits in with the rest of us whack a doodles so it’s not a bad thing. One less musical stress that I have to deal with. One more to come.

Last Friday night as soon as I was done work we jumped on a boat and went to the wharf to see the Juliano brothers play. I have not seen them all summer and I really wanted to see my friend Matt who battled Covid for most of last year. When the show was over we jumped back on the boat and went out to the ocean. It was a very beautiful, calm night. Somehow we ended up in an ocean fender bender with a rock, or 20, or like my friend Sean likes to say a boat hit him in the head…. And with my leg up on the center console, I took the hot HARD! I have not been doing very well all week getting around. Nothing is broken, I do not have any blood clots, but not what I wanted going into a very big weekend of shows and my vacation starting on Sunday. I’ll be OK. But my heart is heavy.

I am not where I wanted to be going on vacation. And when I come home from vacation I have about six weeks or so to get ready for a little mini Nashville trip so six weeks are going to be a reckoning both in the gym and in the kitchen. Summer is over, excuses need to be over as well. I will miss you Fritos and cream cheese. I will miss all the bread. But I miss my skinny jeans more. I said that I did not want to see any more T-shirts with an X on them and then all my new shirts coming out of summer have one or two x’s in them. Not where I want to be and I have no one to blame but myself. But the time is gone.

I am a summer God. Summer slipped away too quickly on me this year. It is what it is.

Life is not about how many likes you get on Facebook. I didn’t mention my accident anywhere on social media. I did not mention what is going on with me anywhere because I don’t need sympathy, I just needed time to heal. I don’t do things for the likes, I don’t post things Nilly Willy and you can probably notice from my Instagram things have slowed down completely. I will need to keep myself accountable once I get back on the program so you’ll see him a little bit more gym stuff and I hope to blog here more often. It always helps with my accountability. I check in with people, my circle is small and continues to get smaller. We always have room for more though. I mean my friend Sean and his wife Mary Kate are going to have to stay around for a while because I was with them when God threw a boat at his head. Now we just have to get Luna to like him because she does not. She hates him 🙂

Tonight we play Parx casino and I’m so excited, I’m also petrified because I wanted to put on an amazing show personally and I’m going to have to play quarterback more than anything. Tomorrow night we have a wedding and then in the middle of the night, we leave for Florida. God, I was so excited for Halloween horror nights and I’m usually already packed, and guess what?, I am not right now. I will be excited when I am on my way. Hopefully, I continue to feel better every day.

Although we all may be broken, there is still a lot of beauty in the broken pieces. Remember that.

Thanks for reading. Keep the faith.

Franco

Archives for September 2021

Jagged Little Pill

Irish Exit