I came out of the office, yesterday and my wife says May 8th…. I was like huh. She was yeah May 8th is the new PA lock down date for now. FUCK ME! I didn’t think they were letting us go hog wild next week but the thought of 3 more weeks to add the 39 days I am on as of today just hurt.
It’s been a long 39 days. The life that we know is jumbled. We can’t be together. There is never one truth that we can all follow along because the people that are supposed to protect us can’t even get their shit together. There is so much darkness and it’s hard to bear and find your footing. My heart has been very heavy. We have experienced loss, anger, frustration and just plain old numbness.
I know what I am feeling has validity. There are no amount of memes, “cheer up buttercups” or zoom meetings that are going to make me feel any different as we prepare for at least 3 more weeks of lock down. Look I know I am not the only one struggling. I know that I am not alone. But I feel alone. Some mornings as I get up and move to the living room knowing that this place that I’ve built is what I have right now. This is what we have, and we are running out of rooms to purge and clean at this point. Happy moments are fleeting.
Babies are being born, friends are dying…. People close to us are experiencing loss and I can’t even console them because we are told we can’t. Days go by and life drags on and at this point I feel like I’ve been awake for much too long.
I am allowed to wallow here. We are all allowed to have feelings. And then as hard as it is I have to believe that there is still hope. The storms in life do not last forever. We were without heat and electric after hurricane sandy for over 15 days but we could leave, we could go to movies, we could work. I was playing shows. I was showering at friends houses. We were charging phones in cars. We were getting by. This feels so much different.
Everyone is dealing with this turmoil differently. Extend a little grace to those around you and yourself. You are strong enough to see this through. Look for the silver linings. People are using their gifts and talents to connect. There is good out there although I think we find more hate, anger and frustration on Facebook and social media. I am glad that my screen time is way down. I am playing a lot of Nintedo Switch.
Do what you have to do to take care of you. Your loved ones. Tell yourself something nice once a day.
I realized that I dont’ need “things” to be happy. I need people. I need family. I need connection. That sucks in these weird ass times.
But I try to remember that no one is comfortable right now, and your pain still sucks.
Okay. Enough with one foot in the light and one foot in the darkness.
Guess what? I am fat.
My clothes are snug and “OH HELL NO”.
I know you are roiling your eyes. I think I am even rolling them at myself. But since March 13th when the shit started hitting the fan, I gained 22lbs, lost 12 and gained again after Easter…. and now sit up about 13 pounds in total from I guess we wanna say before “Corona” but still higher than this time last year and right when I click into summer mode.
I have 50lbs between me and the final resting weight. I am not happy that I let myself go bonkers and it also shows me that I have to always work this. One month can derail your and send you into a spiral. And then what? 2-3 months to undo it. But I looked at the scruffy Santa looking asshole in the mirror and we had a talk. It’s a little over a month till Memorial Day and nothing has changed. We need to take 20 pounds off before then. And then another 10 or so before 4th of July. A month of tough self control, new focus and self love. And then when they finally let me on a beach I’ll be ready. And hiding in my house for at least another 3 weeks.
I know what I have to do it’s just that carbs are life when you are in darkness. So I guess it is time to step into the light. And take control again. I miss the gym but I can get by. I have been putting in over 200 miles a month on the Peloton.
So Keto Franco is back in the building, missing bread and Cheetos….. And only drinking on the weekends…. FUCK!
I am not making excuses, I am not creating them and I sure as hell won’t let this pandemic beat me down anymore than it already has. I let it beat me up for 39 plus days and now I am taking it all back.
Thanks for checking in! I hope you are doing okay.