April 2020 – So Uncomfortably Numb

I came out of the office, yesterday and my wife says May 8th…. I was like huh. She was yeah May 8th is the new PA lock down date for now. FUCK ME! I didn’t think they were letting us go hog wild next week but the thought of 3 more weeks to add the 39 days I am on as of today just hurt.

It’s been a long 39 days. The life that we know is jumbled. We can’t be together. There is never one truth that we can all follow along because the people that are supposed to protect us can’t even get their shit together. There is so much darkness and it’s hard to bear and find your footing. My heart has been very heavy. We have experienced loss, anger, frustration and just plain old numbness.

I know what I am feeling has validity. There are no amount of memes, “cheer up buttercups” or zoom meetings that are going to make me feel any different as we prepare for at least 3 more weeks of lock down. Look I know I am not the only one struggling. I know that I am not alone. But I feel alone. Some mornings as I get up and move to the living room knowing that this place that I’ve built is what I have right now. This is what we have, and we are running out of rooms to purge and clean at this point. Happy moments are fleeting.

Babies are being born, friends are dying…. People close to us are experiencing loss and I can’t even console them because we are told we can’t. Days go by and life drags on and at this point I feel like I’ve been awake for much too long.

I am allowed to wallow here. We are all allowed to have feelings. And then as hard as it is I have to believe that there is still hope. The storms in life do not last forever. We were without heat and electric after hurricane sandy for over 15 days but we could leave, we could go to movies, we could work. I was playing shows. I was showering at friends houses. We were charging phones in cars. We were getting by. This feels so much different.

Everyone is dealing with this turmoil differently. Extend a little grace to those around you and yourself. You are strong enough to see this through. Look for the silver linings. People are using their gifts and talents to connect. There is good out there although I think we find more hate, anger and frustration on Facebook and social media. I am glad that my screen time is way down. I am playing a lot of Nintedo Switch.

Do what you have to do to take care of you. Your loved ones. Tell yourself something nice once a day.

I realized that I dont’ need “things” to be happy. I need people. I need family. I need connection. That sucks in these weird ass times.

But I try to remember that no one is comfortable right now, and your pain still sucks.

Okay. Enough with one foot in the light and one foot in the darkness.

Guess what? I am fat.

My clothes are snug and “OH HELL NO”.

I know you are roiling your eyes. I think I am even rolling them at myself. But since March 13th when the shit started hitting the fan, I gained 22lbs, lost 12 and gained again after Easter…. and now sit up about 13 pounds in total from I guess we wanna say before “Corona” but still higher than this time last year and right when I click into summer mode.

I have 50lbs between me and the final resting weight. I am not happy that I let myself go bonkers and it also shows me that I have to always work this. One month can derail your and send you into a spiral. And then what? 2-3 months to undo it. But I looked at the scruffy Santa looking asshole in the mirror and we had a talk. It’s a little over a month till Memorial Day and nothing has changed. We need to take 20 pounds off before then. And then another 10 or so before 4th of July. A month of tough self control, new focus and self love. And then when they finally let me on a beach I’ll be ready. And hiding in my house for at least another 3 weeks.

I know what I have to do it’s just that carbs are life when you are in darkness. So I guess it is time to step into the light. And take control again. I miss the gym but I can get by. I have been putting in over 200 miles a month on the Peloton.

So Keto Franco is back in the building, missing bread and Cheetos….. And only drinking on the weekends…. FUCK!

I am not making excuses, I am not creating them and I sure as hell won’t let this pandemic beat me down anymore than it already has. I let it beat me up for 39 plus days and now I am taking it all back.

Strap up!

Thanks for checking in! I hope you are doing okay.

Franco

OK since last weeks blog….

Let’s just blame this whole corona-virus mess on Carol Fucking Baskins. If you don’t know now, you know. If you do know she’s absolutely 100% killed her husband.

I’d like to tell you that everything I set out to do last week I did, but it lasted about two days. Fighting out of depression, anxiety, and the voices in my head is a lot harder than I would like to admit to everybody here. Luckily almost no one is reading this bullshit anymore. If this is therapy for me this is how it started anyway. But maybe you are just that fucking bored at this point and wow I am curing a lot today.

I have no idea where my weight is because I’m not stupid enough to get on the scale. That would just cause me to want to drive my car into a wall. And I really like my car.
I wrote that last Thursday, It’s Monday now and I forgot I started writing this and I know what my weight is, I want to drive my car into the river. FUCK YOU LAM.

Yes, one of my grooms from 11 years ago and I had a little Sunday morning check in and he said more than once to stop being an asshole and undoing years of hard work. He was right and I got on the scale this morning and sweet fucking Jesus today is going to suck as I detox from sugar, carbs and booze. I am going to have to limit the booze till the weekend and stop eating whatever I want. FUCK ME! Okay I vented. I feel better. I will come out of this okay. Don’t you worry. But I am not going to tell you how far from goal I am not cause guess what? I am embarrassed for the first time in a long time by it.

And then of course Kelly (she’s my daughter in law) pretty much called all of us fat yesterday while she was stuffing her face with meatballs and pasta that we made. Nice huh! Okay Kelly. It’s on.

Ya know what?

FUCK! It’s Carol Baskin’s fault.

I am keeping busy – I redid my entire home office. I have been pushing more one take covers out to my Instagram page. You probably came from there so you’ve seen them. If not here is they link to it…

We’ve worked on purging offices, closets, rooms, drawers, garage spaces, basements and equipment.

I have participated in virtual happy hours with my coworkers, I have had zoom drinking binges with my friends the first week or so but that ended, but other than a few trips to the store for food we have kept ourselves. I am eating eggs all week so I should be easy. LOL!

Last friday, my buddy Daniel dropped off orange crushes in our driveway. They were a big hit. Then two days later my favorite Mexican brought me Over a plate full of cupcakes which of course we shared with Kelly and Brandon as well.. On Thursday, my little buddies Joey and Louka Dropped off Dunkin’ Donuts for the family. I also have friends that I’ve supplied us with alcohol but I’m not going to tell you who they are because no one needs to know where the extra secret stash is at this time. It’s selfless acts like this that have kept me going. I really don’t care how much of a loner you are, or think you are, people need people. This is the hardest part for me.

NO MORE CARBS. I say this with peace and love, peace and love. I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL UNDER QUARANTINE!!! You wanna drop off a brisket? PERFECT!

I have come to terms with the fact that even when this is over I don’t think the band will get back to work right away. I really don’t think they are going to let us congregate in big groups for a good while. It’s not like they’re just going to flip a switch and tell us to go about our normal business. And honestly what is normal anymore. I have a hard time pushing through. We have actually been pretty good here in the home. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that while I am eating a lot more than I am used to, We are getting on the Peloton and I am starting to lift weights. It is not perfect in any stretch of the imagination. I have the dumbbells that I have and there’s nothing else that we can add because you cannot find them anywhere whatsoever. I thought about selling my squat rack etc since I have no bench but I am not going to take advantage of people either. I’ll prepare for this better in the future. I will have a bench for days that I just have to work out here, when this is over.

It does not help that my company let 26 people go over the last few days. A few that I thought would never get the boot there. I was pretty shocked and the panic and anxiety rises and if I don’t buckle down hard, I’ll screw myself up.

Okay I am done being an asshole to myself.

Well not really cause I am going to do a 5 day egg fast and most likely be a miserable prick by midnight. I don’t want to worry about what I am eating so this is going to be it for me, I have to take back control.

Oh and I went and got animal crossing so if you play let me know. I needed something to do other than work and social media.

So I do want to let everyone know that they are important. There’s something that I can drop off by all means just ask. I am not sharing my alcohol with you, that is a deal breaker.

The truth is I’m doing my best. And I hope that everyone reading is doing their best too. Stay the fuck in the house so we can all go out together soon.

Oh and I have a sick Corona beard going! I even have beard butter so you know this is serious. LOL.

Maybe later in the week I will throw up a zoom address and everyone who wants to chime in and say hello can. In the meantime check out my Instagram and if there’s anything you want to hear I will gladly try to chop a few chords for you.

You can’t say I don’t out it out here and with honesty. FUCK!

Please stay safe and healthy.

Franco

Archives for April 2020

I Won’t Back Down.

I’m Still Standing!