Archives for November 2019

There’s Darker Places Than This

November 21, 2019 By franco 1 Comment

I have been living in my own head for a few weeks. No one needs to go in there. Pretty sure it’s covered in cobwebs and spiders. There are big scary spiders in there. But I want to say it’s OK. It’s OK to have feelings. It’s OK to doubt. Scary. I let myself down so much in the past that it’s the scariest thing to me anymore. Maybe it’s the one thing I am scared of the most. But I built this journey on hope. I have embraced that we will be the hopeful. And trying on my tux pants that I bought in May that wouldn’t fit a few weeks ago…. MOTHER FUCKER! BOOM! I have been in a darker places. It’s not just pants. I think it’s just the cold, getting dark earlier. And I think there is a phenomenon that happens with a lot of us at this time of year. UGH!

The holidays are coming, will I buy the right things? Will I get the right presents? Will everyone be happy? Are they perfect? Ugh. Hours combing Amazon. Eck!

On one hand I have the opportunity to spend weekends with great friends and let myself have fun, and on the other hand I want to isolate myself and not worry about temptation and getting on the scale Monday 5 to 10 pounds heavier because I drank too much or had no self control. Trying to find a balance between both sometimes, it gets difficult. It’s fucking hard.

On January 6th this journey that I’ve been on, will mark it’s 6th year. At this point watching what I eat, going to the gym, following some kind of program should be common place for me. I have gone from a 5X T-shirt to a large, and size 58 jeans to 32/34/36s lol depending on where I get them. Why can’t I let myself chill out a little? I have one more goal to get to. It’s 30 pounds away. I have realize that the chance of it coming before January 6 are slim to none. It would not be healthy for me to lose that much weight before that. But I will chase these 30 pounds and I will do my best to stay the course. I actually might have to reverse diet again and stay at maintenance for a few weeks in the new year.

Darker…. but every day I am logging what I eat, and I have been on the Peloton for at least 20 Minutes to an hour every day this month. I’m hoping that sooner or later by eating well, and putting myself in a calorie deficit, that things will swoosh off. But some days it gets harder and harder to breathe. The voices in my head just tell me to go to Wawa and fuck it. Skinny Franco isn’t necessarily happy Franco.

The year end is stressful. When you have two jobs – it’s easy to have one going really well and the other not. You hope that they run parallel and that at least one of them is making you happy enough that they balance out. Well right now I’m doing my best to just hold it all together.

Unfortunately, I am having to take over the role of booking the band entirely and our schedule was blank for 2020. I’m not really good at waiting for people. I have key clubs that I want the band to play at and it seems like I’m waiting for all of them to decide where we fit into their puzzle. Honestly, where they fit in for us we may not fit in for them in the pecking order. Trying to make the best decisions for eight people is stressful in itself. It was not a cross that I wanted to carry, but if I don’t the band will crumble. And it’s not easy to play live music anymore ion my area. Less and less places are doing it and no one wants to pay you anymore.

Right now it looks like I’ll be off most of January. That is OK. We will take the month to regroup. Hopefully after a bumpy transition things will just get better. I have been focusing on late February and beyond.

In my day job, it seems like my boss is getting stripped of anyone who reports to him. Part of me wonders why and the other part of me knows. At the same time, I am getting a new boss or two, being moved to a new team, and as of yesterday being asked to take some Microsoft licensing exams to become the company specialist. Oh and can you do that before the end of the year LOL. I should be thankful that they just aren’t going to let me go. But I can only do the best I can. It’s like I am getting a new title, more responsibility, answering to someone else, but at the same time doing my old job and getting a new job.

No raise, no Perks, just more work. I guess that’s how the world works anymore. But I love where I work so I will figure it out.

It’s hard not to beat yourself up. But there are darker places than this.

I have many things to celebrate. And I have to try my best to remember that.

Tomorrow mini me, gets sworn in as a local police officer. A road that we have been on for many years, and finally other than worry for his safety – that will never leave us, child number two will be in a good place for a future. Both boys will be fine. If that isn’t a reason to raise a glass I don’t know what it is. I promised my grandma that no matter what I’d take care of these boys and I kept my promise.

My wife’s relationship with her new found brother is probably the best thing to happen in her father’s passing the summer, as their friendship continues to grow and we will be going to Arizona for a long weekend to start off the new year so they can meet face to face for the first time. Family and the Philadelphia Flyers in a new place for us. Other than the six hour plane ride I can’t wait.

In March we are supposed to go away to an island with a bunch of friends and October will find our return to Halloween horror nights with friends as well. Maybe even a day at Disney to see Star Wars.

If you sandwich in a cool summer at the shore – 2020 does not look like a bad year. I have to be honest with you that I don’t care if my bank account runs low in 2020 I am going to go on his many trips as I can get away with because 2021 will find me turning 50 years old. I’m not waiting till next year ever again. No regrets.

We will be the hopeful.

Although there are darker places than this. If you can sort it out in your head, you can see that in reality it’s raining light through the open sky. You are covered in it. Sometimes it’s easier to find a reason to get up and out of bed than others. That is okay. It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s funny. I made fun of the Peloton bike so badly but it is a pretty cool thing. There are so many classes and things to do the beyond the bike itself. Almost every night I get into bed, put my AirPods on, and listen to a sleep meditation. It really helps me focus, it’s almost like telling the voices in my head to shut the fuck up, because we are going to rest now. And so far it works. Definitely worth it. I have gone almost 300 miles since the beginning of the month. I have not seen a massive weight loss because of it, but I can feel my legs getting stronger and stronger. Pretty soon I’m going to be quadzilla!

Look good. Feel good. Do better, In any order.

Be obsessed or be average. I rather be obsessed because there is enough basic in the world.

I don’t know if I’ll write much next week. So just in case let me wish you a fantastic Thanksgiving. I hope you’re surrounded with love, light, hope and above all gratitude. I know that I am grateful to still be here writing this gibberish for you, having it matter – Even if it helps one person realize that they are not alone. We fight together.

I miss my grandma most on Thanksgiving. We’d always go to Burger King in the morning cause she knew I didn’t like much of the stuff my mom made back then.

This year we’ll toast Pro, Kelly and Brett on their new accomplishments, and be grateful for each other.

Thank you for being here, there is always room at my table. You are not alone.

Feel the love,

Franco

Why?

November 8, 2019 By franco 1 Comment

When it comes down to it what is your why?

Think about that for a minute I’ll wait.

It doesn’t have to be weight loss related. You might be skinny fat already. Just kind of in blah mode. That happens. Or you might work your ass off to give your kids a better life. That is your why, your reason, your essence.

If you’re reading this then you know that the blog chronicles almost the last six years of my life.

So what is my Why?

I started this journey 5 1/2 or so years ago 170 pounds heavier. I had a lot of why’s then.

As I got further along the journey they seem to all melt into one big chocolate bar. See what I did there. mmm chocolate.

My why in November 2019 is a lot different than what it was in December 2013 when I had my epiphany on stage. Never read that? Click here. Or keep moving along.

It is so fucking stupid, to say you want to live your best life. But I have to tell you that if you worry about fitting in an airplane seat, sitting at a table with your friends comfortably, never wanting to go to new places, sporting events, concerts, because you’re not sure if you can fit and/or stand and or tolerate the experience. Let me tell you you are not living your best life, and you’re not even living life whatsoever.

My Why has morphed into a new truth that I don’t want to watch the world go by me from my recliner. That might be the old me but it is not 2019 Franco and it definitely will not be 2020 Franco.

I told a friend today that was sore from a work out to remember that next time they wanted to put something silly in their mouth. Probably cocky of me, but early on in the journey you pay for that stuff. You are constantly getting on and off the scale wondering what the fuck is going on some days. Guess what you can’t outwork out a bad diet. No matter how many calories you try to burn, if you are eating crap, you’re going to look and feel like crap. It’s that simple. I am not a doctor, I do not play one on TV, I have just tried everything.

I wanted to get a big boy job, I wanted people to take me seriously. I didn’t want to walk into an interview and not fit in the chair. I didn’t want to worry about going to a hockey game and needing ADA seating cause I could not fit.

You are fat. You are a disheveled slob. You must be lazy. I mean why would anyone want to hire you. You obviously can’t be good at whatever job you want because I mean look at you. You are a fucking mess.

That’s fucked up shit right there in that paragraph above. FUCKED UP! But that’s every day. Fat people are stereo typed and thought in the business world as lazy. I have seen it with my own eyes. My WHY! I will to let myself fall too far from my final goal. It will not happen. I can go on and on here and you can shake your head saying no… no way.. but it’s true. You won’t hire me are your personal trainer even though I’ve lost 170lbs. You want the adonis looking dude. Well guess what? Chances are he doesn’t know what you are going through like I would. Just saying. But that’s the world we live in.

Ugh. It’s Friday afternoon. I need a drink.

So where are we? What is the magic number. This morning the magic number is 27. Better then last weeks 32 for sure. I went to two Flyers games this week too, just saying.

The Peloton? It’s been here for a week. So far I am still in love and look forward to my vagina, I mean my ass, I mean my entire lower private area killing me when I get on. I have been on this thing 45 – 60 minutes a day. I love it. I have tried a few different classes and am motivated to get on it daily.

I have done over 18 rides in the last week. I’ve burned over 5000 cal on it. I have also rode over 90 miles and will probably break 100 by the weeks end. I will not let this thing sitting in my living room defeat me. I will make it my bitch. So far I love the bicycle that goes nowhere.

I hope everyone is having a great week.

It’s Friday. Carve out some space for you. sleep. Dance. Drink. Work out. Just do you.

What is your why?

I want to be present and live.

With much love,

Franco

Truce

November 4, 2019 By franco 2 Comments

We all have our stories. That’s what makes us unique. That’s what makes us who we are in the grand scheme of things. Your story is important. I have been saying this since I first found out about the SEMI COLON project and jumped into the To Write love on Her Arms Movement. Where do you think I get all

the T-shirts that I wear a lot on stage and in the summertime. Why?

You might not realize it but I have battled some very scary things in my life. I’ve let myself get depressed, I’ve let myself be an idiot many times, And I have literally gotten on and off the seesaw so many times that I annoy myself just thinking about it.

The good thing is that in the end I do have a very small circle that will always keep me honest, crawl through fire for me, even when I am that idiot. That’s what makes a true friend. The people that keep showing up, even when you want to go down into the black hole by yourself. They just know.

I have a twenty one pilots inspired tattoo. It’s on the inside of my wrist. You might’ve seen it on my Instagram stories once in a while or on Snapchat or even posted in this blog. It’s very simple. It says stay alive. simple. There is also a semicolon hidden in the artwork. And while I can’t truthfully tell you that I have struggled with staying alive in the past, it was a close family member who was saved that inspired the tattoo. I tend to find depression is a long scary hallway. And some days it just kicks you in the ass and scared the living shit out of you. Old Fashion Scary clown style.

But the only thing you can do is just keep showing up. Keep showing up to life. Fight that clown. Walk down the hallway. Embrace your struggle because you are enough. Your story is important.

People say a lot of things, But you know what. Action is a mean tool for storytelling. Let that sink in for a few minutes. Action is a mean tool for storytelling.

As of today, and Mondays are usually kind of sucky for me, the magic number is 32. Yep a couple weeks ago in my last blog the magic number was 27. Guess what. That’s OK. Am I going to get it before New Year’s Eve? I don’t know. Am I going to keep showing up? Absolutely. The good thing about the blogs, and tracking a lot of my data Is that I know that as of today…. I still weigh 10 pounds less than last year. And that’s OK. My body has taking a break I guess. Up and down , up and down as I get closer and closer to my final goal. 32 more pounds to goal. Now what Franco? You really can’t eat any less food. You need to fuel the furnace to burn the fat. You know that right? I actually added 200 more calories to my macros.

So I do know the one thing that has been slacking very much is my cardio. While I do not want to lose any muscle tone. I definitely need to sweat more. Get my heart rate going. So Amber and I talked about it, and she likes to bike ride. I love it in and looking at group classes in the area. If both of us go unlimited with many of them it would be over $300 a month. I don’t want to spend that. I hate the fucking cold and don’t want to go out anymore than I have to do in the winter. But I also and up over eating if I don’t keep moving so although I made fun of my gym friends who own a Peloton, I gave in and ordered one. My entire family can get on it for less than $100 a month as long as they have shoes. That is a win-win in my book.

So let me give you my first impressions. I bought as little as I could directly from Peloton. I got the heart rate monitor, weights, and Gym mat from Amazon.

It came around lunchtime on Friday. As of this morning I have done 10 rides. I will say three or four of them are five or 10 minute warm-ups or cool downs. I have taken two 30 minute classes so far.

Today is Monday. The dogs do not understand daylight savings time. So the family was getting up the dogs were pawing me in the face. So a few minutes after the house cleared I just got up. Fed the dogs. And ended up getting on the bike for 30 minutes. I broke a really nice sweat. I got off the bike, had my coffee, and jumped on my Monday sales call. When that was over I ended up doing my first 30 minute live class. It was OK. I was not at the bottom and I was nowhere near the top. That is OK too. I did a five minute cool down and then took a shower. My cardio for the day is done. 55 minutes of cycling total. My butt is not happy. I don’t think if I had a smaller butt it would make any difference.

So I am going to try and stay as strict to my keto as possible, Listen to my body and do whatever cardio I want. And continue to go to the gym at least three times a week to lift weights. Maybe this will shake my body into helping me get those 32 pounds off. My heart and my legs will thank me for sure, so will my jean button. I also know that over the next couple weeks I’m going to be building much stronger leg muscles. So I am not going to let the scale bum me out. But I’m not going to let it go in the other direction either. I am

not going to use the holidays as an excuse.

It’s been a crazy couple weeks and I am sorry that I have not written more. But I am here. I have been answering messages when people have questions. And I need to welcome a few new friends to the keto team.

It’s almost like a 12 step program. It only works when you really work the program. And its not a quick or easy fix its a journey like everything else.

And like life, I am easily persuaded. I used to have a much more focused approach and am slowly finding my way back to a better self control.

But I am not beating myself up. You get so used to people being mean about being fat throughout life that

you start to realize that you’re meaner than they are to yourself. We are always our own worst critics.

I am going to enjoy finishing out this year and see where I land. This has been an amazing year. I went to Nashville, had a freaking awesome time at the Jersey shore and went Disney and rode a roller coaster with my dad and went upside down for the first time with my nieces. I went back to Florida and got the piss scared out of me at Halloween horror Nights and rode Hagrids Motorbike Ride 3x with the biggest smile on my face. It takes some reminding sometimes that we are all on a journey.

No matter what remember, fuck the haters both in the real world and in your head, keep your chin up. You put your feet on the ground this morning. And you got out of bed. It’s all cake from here. mmmm cake.

Embrace life. Embrace change and above all know and understand your worth!

Maybe I’ll reach back out on Thursday. I am glad that I blocked out 30 minutes to write this morning and catch everyone up.

And obnoxious Franco would like to remind you that summer bodies are built in the winter. Don’t wait till January 1 to make a change if that’s what you need.

Peace and love,

Franco