Archives for June 2019

proof of life

June 27, 2019 By franco 2 Comments

So I guess I can write all I want about myself. But last weeks blog about my father-in-law basically doubled any of my readership over the last five years. Good for you Pro! Good for you! One last dig at me huh.

ugh.

On Monday I sat at the funeral home staring at the casket and pretty numb. Our friends walked in and out but in the end I guess at 82 if you don’t leave behind a very big family who is coming to visit you? I still think we had a pretty nice turn out of our friends who were there to support Amber. Then there were our friends who came by the house, sent fruit, hoagies or sent tequila LOL.

I think anyone who wanted to be around or talk to us, did. It’s very easy to find out who does not follow you back on Facebook when two days after the funeral they are telling you that they didn’t know about it. Yes, it was Facebook‘s fault I’m sure, #FakeNews.

The funeral was not without its irony and hicks ups.

My father-in-law had a son – at least on paper and he showed up before we did to the funeral home. He was not listed in the obituary or anything like that because he has not been around for over 20 years at this point. He made himself scarce for most of the viewing. He asked my sons how his sister was doing and then asked my wife who she was. “im your sister” – was her far off reply. Not sure what he was fishing for but of course – he was texting my wife later at night and Amber was not having it. Apparently he disappeared 20 years ago to give her space when she started dating me. 20 years is out of a lot of fucking space isn’t it? Whatever. The thief showed up to the viewing. He was the last one to walk in.

My dad surprised us on Sunday and flew into town. That was pretty awesome. I know it’s not easy to get a last-minute flight, and a rental car. Not to mention leave work after he had just taken a week off. But that is what we do. Italians do funerals and Guilt very well.

The night my father-in-law passed Amber and I made a joke about what to say to people when they asked us if we need anything. Now you know most people just asked that know you’re never going to say you need anything. So the next morning I woke up and the first person that asked – I said patron, Tito’s and Some Michelob ultra gold. Later at night my friend Beth and John brought us all three and spent time with us. Win!

My friend Amy what is the next recipient of that response and she figured out how to mail me 3 fifths of Patron too! Shots on shots. Thanks Darbs.

Back to the funeral I guess. We had a police escort. That made Amber laugh out loud, 95 got shut down so that my father-in-law could make it to the cemetery.

If you know anything about us you know that is funny shit.

I mean my father-in-law’s nickname was Pro. I’m gonna let you put two together. But just imagine when three motorcycle cops from Bensalem show up at the funeral to shut down 95 so you can get your father-in-law to the cemetery easily. If you want to talk about showing respect, That was an incredible amount of respect shown both to my wife and my son. Lord Almighty even my father was incredibly impressed. I am pretty sure the motorcycle cops get a few people away at the funeral.

After the funeral, and a small lunch with the kids. We passed out for a little bit and then dropped my fathers plane ticket off and headed to the shore. It was probably the best thing for us. We came back last night and here it is Thursday back in the swing of things as much as possible.

Can you believe that I actually went five days without going to the gym and didn’t blink once? Can you also believe that between carbs and water, and lack there of, and drinking pretty much everything in sight, I maxed out at about 10 pounds gained and Luckily after two days of dialing myself in, Five of it is already gone. Thank God for being fat adapted.

We will be at the shore for most of next week, we will most likely stay on track because Nashvegas is coming.

Life is too short my friends. Don’t hold grudges, forgive when you can, don’t put anything off, tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Take a look at my sons. They are my proof of life. And that’s what I thought standing there looking at that copper casket.

Franco was here.

Pro

June 20, 2019 By franco 5 Comments

Last Wednesday my father in law was supposed to have his house cleaned by a friend of Ambers. Of course he didn’t answer the phone or door. The last time we wanted to get him help that’s what he did. We had a loaner car while the caddy was getting some recalls taken care of and of course I ran over to get Amber and take her over. She was visibly shaken and I assured her that he was fine and pulling the stunt he did last time which only turned out half true. She found him naked, and out of it. Seems to be his MO over the last few years when he isn’t well. Didn’t want an ambulance, said he just needed to eat. I go get food. On my way back with food and got the text that the ambulance was coming. And off he went. Amber didn’t go with him.

The last time we did this he got angry and signed himself out so it was better for her to not go, she took the car back to work with her got hers when it was done and after work we went back to the house to grab him a few things. I had to go to rehearsal that night and when we got to the house someone had broken in. That fucking fast someone (of course we know who it is but won’t put them on blast here) went in to steal pills and scavenge.

The next day Amber got calls from the hospital and doctors and truth be told he has had stage 4 lung cancer for at least 2 years if not more. It was spreading with tumors to the arm, clavicle and his brain which in turn was taking more and more of his eye sight too.

I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know what to do. Later in the day the call came to meet the hospice sales person and Brett came with us and then that fast Kelly and Brandon and an hour later the transport came to pick him up to take him to hospice or what they now call comfort care. yeah. He was awake when he went. We talked. But I guess I have to tell you a few things and get some things down to paper first…..

I always wanted to marry into a big, loud fun family… (something Brandon definitely did). Amber was an only child. Her mom had passed when she was young and her dad chose to be alone. He hated me. I wanted him to love me. I mean seriously. I can count the people who I know don’t on one hand. No matter what I tried nothing worked. I am never really going to know why honestly. (Amber will tell you he didn’t like her but I don’t really believe that. he was just the way he was for whatever reason.) But there it was, he was not a Franco fan. Or was he……Bigg Romeo was book marked on his laptop before the assholes stole it… My family website was book marked and he printed various photos of the kids I took and then a few days ago I found a photo I took that was posted on my photo site of autumn at Pennsbury manor. If he didn’t like me, he definitely kept tabs on me. He was keeping tabs on all of us. Especially the boys. He loved his cats and he loved his Grandsons.

So two years ago when we had a screaming match on his front steps on black Friday – I think it was the cancer that was chasing him down that made him lash out – and the fact that he’s just mean. He yelled at amber. I snapped. I think he got it recently. I was defending his baby girl. Something that he should be proud of me for doing in the end. No matter what is going on with us, that we’ll walk through fire for each other. That we will sacrifice for those boys. All these years of him being a mean mother fucker… and in the end in his house, naked, alone. Really makes you think. It’s made me think a lot over the last few days about where I am heading too.

While we were waiting for the ambulance to take him to hospice – he was coming in and out of it. For awhile he thought he was in Florida. He was always talking about once he’d finished shit here he was disappearing off the grid in Florida. Dude has two burner phones, he’s already off the grid. He asked the kids questions. I almost lost it when he asked Brandon how long he could stay and Brandon told him as long as you want me to. The kids don’t show a lot of emotion with this stuff but I heard it in Brandons voice. He looked at the boys who were standing in front of them and said ” i think I am almost done here so I just want you to know that I love you all, You too Franco”. we all kidna chuckled. Talk about making his peace in the final moments. His next Zinger was he asked “who is going to miss me the most” – I said Me first. and he laughed. Then I told him to look in front of him. That what he was leaving behind was those two boys and that he should realize that Amber and I are doing good. He said “what about me??” and I told him that it was him to who never said no when the kids failed a class and needed tuition money for a summer class. Helping Brett get through the Police academy We did good Pro. He got it. I could see it and then the transport company came. That was that. He was on his way to find comfort.

He didn’t wake up at all for the few hours I visited on Friday and Saturday he went from jeckyl to hyde on Amber. He didn’t remember that when we came early morning Fathers Day. Which was fine. He was struggling and I could tell the pain was high. Finally they increased everything and the last time he was awake and talking he thought I was Brett (said I was really skinny) and then as the really skinny nurse pushed the dilaudid into his vein his final words were “I thought you were my daughter your both so skinny” as he winked at the nurse. His last words on earth are going to be him flirting with the nurse and calling his daughter skinny, while he winked at the nurse. That was two days ago….Now the guy I wanted to love me, call me his son, be nicer to his daughter is gasping for air. Crying in his sleep and preparing for what comes next.

We walked in early afternoon Tuesday to pan flute – harp – bagpipe music playing in his room and I looked at Amber and was like oh hell no. If he makes it to tomorrow we are going to have to bring some Springsteen. Today, we brought Springsteens Greatest Hits and played it 2x through – during the last song… he let go and went to be with Amber’s mom.

Yesterday I told him that he could go. That his wife was waiting for him and that I would take care of the family. It was my turn and that I got it from here. He did a good job. I got this Pro. I will do my best.

And I love you too.

Franco

Snakes and Stones

June 14, 2019 By franco 2 Comments

I guess when I’m down the shore and I drink a little and have some fun, I get on the scale a few days later and I am still about the same I should take that as a win. Because I had fun. I did what I wanted. And my body counteracted it and kept me close to where I was.

I did not go crazy. I did have donuts from the fractured prune that honestly were not so good. And I regretted it because I felt blah! And I had one piece of pizza. When I got home after a few hours of chilling the fuck out I was in ketosis and my body was back on track. The scale is back to playing the 5 pounds up 5 pounds down game and that’s OK. I definitely can tell that my body is going through a recomposition. As long as my clothes stays about the same I’m OK with that.

On Sunday after a great weekend of shows, Amber actually painted our bathroom at the shore with a jacked up wrist And before we came back home we took a walk to the boardwalk to get a slice of pizza. After that delicious slice of pizza, Joe’s pizza by the way. The best pizza on the boardwalk. Fuck the haters. Anyway. We went into the surf shop and Amber bought me my first pair of actual board shorts. I remember being a junior lifeguard in Brigantine New Jersey At 12 or 13 already not being able to fit into the lifeguard pants. It was devastating because the little orange board shorts was probably the biggest perk about being a junior lifeguard. You basically the grunt work for the lifeguards and went to get them lunch or sent you on the silly errands to see how much they could get you to do. Back then thwy would write notes back-and-forth to girls on the beach for them etc. Either way here is one of the two pair of board shorts for you and all their glory. I know these are silly and corny but I fucking love them. Pretty awesome non-scale victory.

I got a couple questions on Instagram yesterday that I’ll answer as well. Actually only got three so apparently almost everyone out there is good. Which is fine.

One. It will cost too much to change the name of the band to Little Romeo So when ever anyone asks me who Bigg Romeo is – I just point to the girls at this point because That is even funnier. The other night at Carney’s we had our text message line open and I got quite a few text asking where Bigg Romeo was. I wanted to respond that he was dead or fired and never coming back but I was definitely gracious. Very hard to take a complement most times. Because I am not finished yet.

Two. What surprised me the most about my transformation? That’s a good question. I think I am constantly being surprised. I’m surprised sometimes how negative people are. Just because they are not happy with what they have going on. I try not to post too much on Facebook because people just seem angry out there. And when someone says well you put the hundred selfie’s on Instagram I let them know that my Instagram is all about my journey. Maybe they should read what I wrote on her picture half the time. And the good thing about it is that they can always on Followers and I don’t have to see that. That is OK. Yes when a few of my closer friends did that it hurt a little bit I will not lie, but it is what it is. A few people just call me skinny and I don’t think I like that either. It’s not OK just like it’s not OK to walk up to someone and say what’s up fatty.

I think another surprising factor is that your body no matter what science you think you know is going to do what it wants to. There are no charts, graphs, tweaks that are sure fire. The only thing that seems to win is consistency. Some months I takeoff six or 7 pounds and some months it’s just one at this point. I am often surprised at myself on how I have been able to push through. The other day I jumped in the pool for the first time with the dogs, well one dog, and as I was going up the steps I noticed that the weight limit on the steps was 250. I was like, holy crap I am under that and it feels awesome.

One last thing that I am very surprised about is how bad that my loose skin is. I am probably walking around with 15 to 20 pounds of it. Belly, groin area and trying my best to mentally overcome any hurt that comes along with it. To actually celebrate the loose skin because I worked hard to get it apparently.

Three: what is my best non-scale victory. I was actually going to skip this because it is very hard to just narrow one down. Not to mention it’s been five years so my brain gets a little cloudy.

Over the years I was told. You’re too fat for this, you are too fat for that.

When I was told I was too heavy for the helicopter in wildwood by 33 pounds it was a mission to get on it the following summer and I did it. I got under 300 pounds and I flew in that damn helicopter so I think that’s a cool thing. the NSV are what carry you through.

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about Father’s Day but also a lot going on so I have to come out here and I’ll get my thoughts together for next week. Thanks for reading.

Just a reminder to those that need to hear any of this, including myself: be kind to yourself. Be forgiving. Be mindful. Be introspective. Think about your triggers and anxieties and do your best to identify them. Talk to someone. Your feelings are valid. You aren’t perfect, that’s okay. Appreciate yourself. Appreciate your loved ones, and tell them so. Set time aside to take care of yourself. Be sure to love you.

Feel the love,

Franco

Violet

June 7, 2019 By franco 1 Comment

Every time I wake up on Thursday and I think wow I have to write a blog. I think maybe this is the week I just take a break but then I really think about it and with everything else I try to do, in the end it’s all about consistency. Try to stay consistent. Try to be accountable to myself. Try to push myself harder. So of course here I am writing. I am going to go to a kickboxing class today so I have to get ready in about half hour so this will not take long. (Never finished and here I am a day later)

In 1996 I was in a very terrible car accident. I spent about 9 months in a hospital. I remember at that point I thought I was overweight but I was only 325 pounds. I know you’re thinking, did he just say only 325 pounds. But the truth is after a car accident and having my hip broken in half, my pelvis broken in half, 8 weeks in traction and not walking for nine months, the depression and loneliness slowly helped me find my way to 550 pounds. When it was time to get my life back, I remember looking for car and there were not many to choose from. There were definitely not many that I can afford. There were not many I fit in. My dad was with me and we settled on a $5000 Ford Taurus because it had bench front seats so that I could definitely fit in there. It was forced upon me. It was all I could buy and fit in. I am pretty sure I drive that for about five years. And then I bought a new Ford Expedition. Same thing. Had to buy something I can fit in and at the time those were pretty cool as well, so i was happy. I then went into a Pathfinder Armada. Then I decided to get the Titan pickup truck. And I really do love my pick up truck and then with all the weight loss I decided to get something a little more logical gas wise – I got the outback list summer.

Five years ago or so when I started this diet and lifestyle change I said that I would buy my dream car when I lost one hundred pounds. I finally lost the hundred pound 15 months later, it wasn’t long after that Brandon got engaged. I never realized how much the kids were going to need for the wedding so I just kind saved. It was what It was. The house needed stuff, I needed stuff, Brett was in the police academy and we were helping with what we could…. I was paying $200 a month just for his ezpass. Life just happened. Every time I saw my dream car on the road my heart would pitter patter. It got even worse in Florida a few weeks ago.

I am a very pragmatic person and I am definitely an over thinker. If that isn’t enough I am overly anxious, have different traces of OCD, I worry way too much. We went to test drive a used one at Reedman toll and they were just assholes. I have bought over seven cars there in my lifetime and they’re big loyalty discount was 98 whole dollars.

I really wasn’t willing to change my DreamCar. I was willing to work with my dream color a little bit. I did not have to do neither. I posted on Facebook that I was looking for a Dodge salesman and my friend Bubba right away told me about his friend out of Maple Glen Pennsylvania. I went to their website and they had two of what I was looking for. One was my dream color. It was definitely more than I wanted to spend. But after talking with my family I have decided to lease because I could not get rid of the outback if I wanted to. And I can probably afford the lease more than I could the purchase.

I checked a few places and realized that the best I was going to get was out in Delaware County. Amber took a half day at work and we went out there last Friday. Long story short we came home with my DreamCar. She is beautiful.

My facebook blew up with me trying to name her and it’s been a week today – so I guess I should get to it, I looked at Harry Potter Names, Pet names Elvis had for his women etc….. It was hard. My god daughter wanted me to name her Rosie which i loved but my mom would find some way to say I was being mean to her etc.

Soooooo… after much thought… The car is named Violet. There is a HOLE song called Violet that I love and one of the lines goes….. And the sky was made of amethyst…..

Amethyst is also my birthstone. Amethyst is a stone of spiritual protection and purification, cleansing one’s energy field of negative influences and attachments, and creating a resonant shield of spiritual Light around the body. It acts as a barrier against lower energies, psychic attack, geopathic stress and unhealthy environments.

Yes, I goggled that shit but it does relate. See I am overthinking but the car does have a name 🙂 It’s Violet.

Thank you for anyone who took the time to try to help me. There were so many awesome names but she is a violet.

Okay then.

I have been pretty damn good with my macros this week. I just don’t know what it is about summertime that makes me want to eat all day long. I am OK till I break my fast and then all of a sudden I just want to keep eating till bedtime. I definitely have a hard time going to bed with my tummy rumbling.

And I definitely have a hard time going anywhere near the kitchen after 8 PM. I decided to always have chicken handy and if I have to eat then it’s going to be chicken. 4 ounces of chicken with some olive oil should satiate me.

But I am down six or 7 pounds of the 10 that I put on from Florida and more of the weekend. I know a lot of it was water weight, I know a lot of it was going over my carbs even slightly. I am back in control.

Ironically I spoke to my father about it this morning. He was joking around with me about going to kickboxing class. But the truth is, If I am going to have skin removal surgery in the early winter no matter who is paying for it and I want to make sure that my body is at the absolute best come January that it can be. Especially if I’m paying out-of-pocket for it then I need to make sure every sacrifice that my family and I make pays off in the long run. So while it would be nice to go off the wagon 1 million times this summer I don’t want to spend the entire fall fixing what I did wrong in the summer. That would get me nowhere. I have been there done that. Not going to fall into that circle again.

I definitely need to buckle down on my fasts. I had the best results after hitting 66 hours. It really threw my body into a great place. I just like to eat. LOL.

My oldest son turned 27 this past week. Do you want to know how old I am that’s how old I am. Already sitting here looking forward to being a grandfather. No she’s not pregnant that’s for sure but this time next year I’m sure it will be close. Back off everyone because I am going to be the little ones best friend. The night that I pulled up with the Challenger the first thing Brandon did was look in the backseat go yeah you could put a baby seat back there. I told him that my Outback will be a much safer child. I mean come on it’s my grandchild for gods sake.

This weekend takes me down the shore again. And I am looking very much forward to it.

Well it’s sunny out and the dogs went hit the pool. Happy Friday.

Much love.

Franco