Archives for April 2018

Blackout

April 26, 2018 By franco Leave a Comment

It’s sunny here in beautiful Bucks County and I can hear the lawn mowers trudging along in the neighborhood. I have two eye patches under my eyes praying the bags under my eyes can just leave me alone for a few days and I’m waiting for the boss to come home so we can get some Chinese for lunch because I am just over prepping things to eat till I come home from my little spring break.

I just want a nice weekend. I have already been told a list of things I can and can’t talk about. I am not sure why. I am sure there is an underlying something or other going on. But no pressure. I guess I just won’t talk. The weekend isn’t about me. It’s about my parents. 50 years ago, tomorrow. My parents will be married for 50 years. 50 fucking years with the same person. JESUS. That is hard. I am at 17 ½ and I pretty much can tell you with brutal honesty that I won’t be here to see 50. No way. I got married way too old for that. I am glad that I’ll hopefully see grandchildren but that’s about it. It’s all about my mom, who my grandmom dragged to America alone at the age of 16 for a better life. It’s all about my dad who came to America with a half empty carry on. That’s it. It’s about a guy who saw a girl on Septa that he worked with that he fell in love with. It’s the reason that I am here to torment you all. So it started as a dream for sunny skies and showing my mom something she hadn’t seen in a vacation, her knee replacement and recovery were a slow go and no it’s just a get together of sorts. They will stand at the altar and renew their vows. No matter what hardships my mom has had.. she’s got us. For better or for worse. She left her mark. I hope I can live up to it before I die.

I have a lot of clutter in my head this week. I’ve sat in a lot of silence. Seems like I watch a little tv in the morning. Go to the gym and come home and just sit…. Think…. And try to nap but Luna and I can’t seem to get on the same napping schedule. So now I just sit in silence. The windows are open though so it’s not a bad silence. I wish I could get back to devouring books like candy but that fire died a long time ago.

Let’s talk about the gym.

I have been on the Precor (Elliptical) every day that I am there for at least ½ hour. The scale did move today. It’s going in the right direction. I did drink like a sailor on Saturday night. My body is changing. My upper body especially. My lower body is covered with too much skin and fat to really tell unless I am lying in bed and I feel things that I haven’t before. (get your mind out of the gutter). I did two a days all week. I got beat up by coach today. I am keeping it all together. I will not win the contest. These body fat machines don’t work on me. I feel like I tossed $20 out the window. Today one of the ladies at the gym told me that she was out to get me cause she sees me living in the gym… I told her that I was okay with her winning.. I just wanted to beat myself. Still a few pounds heavier then I was this time last year… Although definitely better toned… I am heading in the right direction and I am still going to try best to hit the 50lbs in 2018. I know that I can do it.. Safely and healthy.

I posted a cryptic message on Fb yesterday because I had stuff on my mind but really can’t talk about it… And I am just waiting for answers… And quite a few friends reached out to make sure I was okay. That was very nice. It might be adding to my silence.. I dunno.

Have you ever just not felt good enough for anything? It’s just felt like a week full of just one of those days I guess. And I know I am enough. I am the hopeful. If people make you feel less than that then they should not have a place at your table, in your heart or in your life. I guess in the end it’s a decent life lesson. I had a few people from the gym unfollow me on social media this week. I guess I am not for everyone. That’s okay. Something has to give in general. I’ll regroup next week no matter what.

I don’t like to feel needy and I can’t stand the person that I can be. Ugh.

I guess I better get ready for some R&R and say bye for now.

Catch you on the flip side.

Franco

Little Nightmares

April 20, 2018 By franco Leave a Comment

All I want is to let you know but my words get lost and haunt the back of my throat.

Sometimes keeping up with this blog is the hardest part of this journey. But I try to keep at it because it’s nice when I am struggling to look back at what I was doing or thinking about that affected me along the way. So here it is beautiful Friday afternoon watching the dogs fight with a little writers block.

Let’s just say this to start. I have been 90% compliant with my real plan. The only reason I’m going to say that I have not been is because there’s no alcohol listed on my meal plan and I had a handful drinks last weekend. They were none sweetie drinks, mostly vodka and water but if I had to check a box that said compliant or not I would check no. Hit my food intake. I drank more than a gallon of water every single day and I am on track. That’s all I am going to tell you because I don’t really need any of the gym drama queens knowing my business during this contest. So you are going to have to wait till the Thursday morning going into Memorial Day for my progress report. It’s like playing poker. I’ll show you my grind cause I am not gonna stop but I am not going to show you my cards. Just know that I am out here putting in the work.

I was talking with a trainer at the gym about getting my Certified Personal Trainer certificate. Not only would it help me but I was always hesitant because who the hell would want to hire me to train them. I always made jokes that I was going to get it and teach a class called “Phat Boy Fitness”. We would start with getting off the couch and finding the remote. Then we would walk from said couch to the fridge. You get where I am going with this. Then I thought that I could specialize in people who need to lose excessive amounts of weight or are trying to get ready for Weight loss surgery or had it and are ready to get to work. These are people that I can relate with so they would be a great market for me . I would be very passionate about this kinda work for sure. So I enrolled in school and once my books get here I am going to get to work. I hope to be done by the end of September. So here we go on another adventure I guess. I talked to coach and hoped he’d talk me out of it but he thought it was a good idea. FUK! I mean no one should discouraged from getting a good training. I know I was intimidated so maybe this could be a thing.

All I want is to let you know but my words get lost and haunt the back of my throat.

We were talking about change last week and I had to face a lot of if head on over the last week. I’ve had a lot of stress and barreled through it. I did realize one thing in the end.. That it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. No matter how much I know about something or feel that I am right about something there is someone to show me a different way and I am going to stay more open to it and working smarter, not harder sometimes. Roll the dice. Ya never know.

What If my soul was still trembling ….

Last night the band played the Bucks Happening Bash for the 4^th year in a row. We’ve won best wedding band for the 7^th year. It was a good show. I felt pretty good. Loose. NO booze or nothing. I did have some sweet tarts and a few Swedish fish. See. I am human.

Well I know it doesn’t happen often but I’ve been on the quiet side this week and will end this here today. I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Franco

All the Pain that Money Can Buy

April 12, 2018 By franco Leave a Comment

Well it’s been two weeks and I got yelled at by a friend because I didn’t write and I sometimes feel like a broke record. What I want to do. What I want to accomplish. What I hope I’ll do. Sometimes you fall short. Sometimes things just are moving along an you don’t have anything to say. Yeah, I know, it’s hard to fathom me, not having anything to say. But it happens. So let me quickly catch you up on my fitness journey and then you can decide if you want to check out of the rest of the garbage that I might or might not spew. I haven’t decided what I’ll tell you other then it’s Thursday, I am supposed to write and I opened my notepad and got to work here.

To get where I am today, and I mean since the last time I wrote anything here. A few things it changed. We did a survey at the gym to see what the class members wanted out of their classes. Generally people want to lose weight and tone up. That always seems to be a common thread. Very few people go to the wanting to gain weight and get bigger, but trust me it happens too. So some of the classes will be changing but one of the comments that came through was gym sponsored weight loss challenge. Well it is not fair to pick me versus a little twig of a girl, so the best way to go about it is a fat loss challenge where the winner is someone lost the biggest percentage of body fat. Everyone who wanted to enter put up $20 in the winner will take all. It starts tomorrow and runs until memorial day weekend. So of course I have to play along and it first I did not want to. But I weighed in, I did my body fat scan a few days ago to give me a few days of a jumpstart.

My coach changed up my strength training program. So I have been working hard on that all week. This kind of change is okay with me. It’s definitely hitting my muscle groups in different directions, and I need that. So while I was frustrated a bit last week, I got up Monday morning and have been walking the walk ever since. No cheating. I’ve stuck to my meal plan. I will greatly curb my drinking this weekend and stick as closely to my macros as possible. I am heading on the road Saturday which of course the three hours back-and-forth to Ocean City Maryland are always the worst. But I will make this weekend my bitch. I don’t know if I can actually win the competition, but it sure as hell won’t be from lack of trying.

When I weighed in this morning, I finally broke through a small plateau, barely. But I broke through either way. I went back into my tracking app and looked to see where my weight is, I am up 5 pounds from this time last year. So I am okay. I am not crazy off. I wanted to be where I was at the end of June 2017, at the end of June 2018, That’s when I hurt myself. And we’ll go from there. I will lose 50lbs in 2018. I will not let myself down. I will try my damnest. And of course I am going to Dottie and Ken’s Saturday night! FML!

Well things have been a little emotional lately. I have known for a long time that I have to incorporate some change into my professional life. I hate change and no matter how much I tell myself that change is good. Change is scary. Change hurts feels when you take a lot of people a long for a ride. It’s also a burden to carry when you are solely responsible for the livelihood of others because they don’t ever want to step up and claim some of that responsibility themselves. It gets very easy to let others worry about things as long as you don’t have to. I’ve never, ever had that luxury. At the same time, I need to be happy and right now I am not. I need my professional life to be fun. I put enough stress on myself with other things quite honestly. So I am working to make a change and I don’t know at this point if it will be a popular decision but I know deep down inside my heart that while it might not pay off for awhile that it’s the best thing for me and the whole. So we’ll see. I know it’s a little cryptic for some of you reading but it is what it is. I’ll be able to talk about it soon enough. I am out of options.

Well I am gonna sign off and head into the kitchen and cry over my 4 ounces of lean ground beef and no carbs for lunch.

Hey fuckers! I hope you are all doing well. Thank you for reading!

Franco