Archives for February 2018

A Season in Hell

February 23, 2018 By franco 1 Comment

I think I am going to write this in two parts. If you are here to track my weight loss journey and progress and don’t really give a shit about what crazy shit floats around in my head then we’ll just knock that out here so you don’t have to read any more than you need to read. I’ll tell you when you can just click off me and check your Instagram or Bumble account. It’s cool cause this definitely has a therapy session in the making written all over it and I write this for me and no one else.

So the journey….

If you’ve followed along on IG this week or Snap, I’ve been hitting it. Followed my meal plan all week… and yes I had pizza for dinner on Sunday night and a cider and I ain’t ashamed of it. That Santucci’s was the bomb. I got on the scale on Tuesday and was like WHAT THE FUCK! And then by Wednesday my body was readjusting quickly and getting me to where it should be. I posted something for the gym this week that there was 14 weeks till Memorial Day and to get your ass in here.. I followed my own advice trying to pump my cardio up. I really want a strong treadmill at home in the actual living room or want to do something in the basement with a big screen and just some cardio stuff. Anything that’s down there now is really junk. I just don’t have it in me to take it all apart and trash it. But as tired as I am with the new puppy I did what I was supposed to do in the gym and in the kitchen.. (Yah I know I ate the pizza and again, it was fucking delicious).

I am down 6 pounds in the last two weeks even with the up and down of the scale, my body, feeling like poo, not sleeping. I’ll take it. Can’t stop, won’t stop. 44 to go!

The other stuff (So this is where some of you might want to check out, go watch something on Netflix)

This is hard for me to write about, I am sorry it it is a little cryptic, but if you just breathe it in it will make sense. I promise. I know a lot of people. I’ve been in the spot light for over 22 years. I can’t walk through a mall or down the boardwalk without people stopping me, telling me their thoughts about the band, where they’ve seen me and ask when we will be wherever again. It used to bug me but especially after our 20^th anniversary party I have embraced it more and more. I would have never been where I am without those people and it’s a true blessing.

I live a public life and I chose that life, I put myself out there. Being an overweight kid out of college and getting the opportunity to sing in a band was pretty much a dream come true. I write this blog, to hold myself accountable but to also give others who might be fighting hope. To let them know that no one is unwanted, no one is alone, that every should be hopeful. It’s taken me a long time to come out of a darkness that I was pushed into with lies, deceit and 2 faced cowards that let me fall. 10 years ago I walked through hell and I came out into the light. But even finding the light and the good guys won… I still lost, there was no recovery from falsehood, there was only so much bouncing back that a soul can do. I lived in darkness for a long time. I lived in the shadows. I suffered. My family suffered because even though I should have walked tall I was lost.

I committed suicide. I was still breathing. But I checked out of life. My soul was dead and all those who fought with me, were there for me, screamed in my defense, could only stand there and watch me die. That was the start of the 100lb weight gain and my suicide of the soul… After a few years of anger, why me and bone crippling heartache, I woke up one day and tried to live in the present. I have Stay Alive tattooed on my wrist or a few reasons, but it’s there to remind me to keep living.

But….

that doesn’t come without a lot of post-traumatic stress that was diagnosed after an on stage fist fight and lots of Wellbutrin that I totally hated, didn’t me and didn’t help my weight loss much ether. I was okay. I’m okay. But this week a friend had to drag me back into hell so that they could sleep better at night and I’ve been awake for two nights now. I wanted to go to sleep so badly and never wake up because I see how happy I was and how hard I worked and then had my life stripped from me and even duck tape wasn’t putting my broken heart together. It’s still in pieces. There I was 10 years later defending myself again…. To someone who was supposed to love me…. Someone who called me friend…

Didn’t they see the hundreds of people who came to see me for my birthday? New Years?

Didn’t they see me run around like a maniac, hugging, high fiving and greeting people who would do anything for me if I asked and barely know me? I built that on goodness.

Didn’t they realize how hard it is for me to let people in?

They had questions. A friend would have already known the answers.

I know people always comment on how many friends I have and people who know me and like me… and I usually play it off and that I am an asshole so who knows in the end… But I wouldn’t have been anywhere near as successful as I have been in a hard and brutal business if I wasn’t the real thing… there is a reason the band is called Bigg Romeo and it’s not the heat that I’m packing… it’s that I genuinely love people and would do anything for most. The band for all intentions and purposes was named after me.

I keep my inner circle tight, the people I bring into my home, around my family few… That’s the real me in the end.. I am not fake by any means and I don’t let too many people see me with my defenses down….

I was having such a decent week and moving on with my bad self. But it did remind me that you can win, you can be pure, tell the truth and in the end come out a big, fat loser. We can’t believe everything we hear, but I don’t hate anyone for the breath that was stolen from me.

Here is what you have to understand if you are still reading and going WTF right about now…. This is my blog, this is my story…. And next week I’ll go back to the feel good stuff you are used to.

We are all the heroes in our own story without really ever realizing that we are probably the bad guys in someone else’s.

But in the end…. “You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore, not that you knew me back then……”

I am still standing. I am still here. My heart although bruised and broken is still full of love. I love and I am loved back. My family is still here and would walk through fire for me and I would for them as well.

I am not going anywhere. I will be okay.

Be. More. Kind.

Franco

Lost in a Crowd

February 16, 2018 By franco 1 Comment

My birthday came and went and I made a lot of jokes when people asked me how it was… what presents I got… I told them mostly that I had a parade…. And the Philadelphia Eagles brought their Super Bowl trophy for me and 3 million people to see. What the hell is ever going to top that? I didn’t need any presents. I don’t need anything and am hard pressed to think of anything that I want. I was lucky too that my birthday fell around a local show for the band so I got to have a birthday show at Parx Casino. A good number of friends took the time out of their lives to come and spend a little time with me. There were so many people there that I know that I didn’t get to say hello to everyone. That is the sucky part of only having 25 minute breaks and then trying your best to find a restroom and say hello. It was hot and I was drinking a lot of water in between everything else. I wasn’t drunk, I felt good. The band sounded and looked good and I felt comfortable for once. My friend LaRaine made me a boob cake. Ironically enough I am pretty sure I got one for my 27^th birthday too. I was due for one I guess. This one had the word titty on it and a three year old helped me rip it apart with a spoon. His dad is my new fav! Starting them young!

I had one of those moments though on stage where I was lost in a crowd. Where you are always the party host but you don’t really know anyone. Everyone has their own agendas, you are only a friend when you serve a purpose… It was like I was floating around the room and just watching… I am the best “watcher” from the stage. I can tell so many things. I can see so many things. I don’t usually miss much unless I am singing lead on a song, then I disappear somewhere else. The world was spinning and I wasn’t drunk. It’s been too cold to talk since then.

In 1997 I had an apartment with Crabby the bass player in the band and I had a 5 cd changer in my rack unit. It only had two cds in it…. Third Eye Blind and Matchbox 20’s first cds. It’s amazing that 20 years later they are both still go-tos when I am in need. Third Eye Blind was at Parx Casino Saturday too and my small window to maybe sneak in for a song didn’t pan out since they weren’t on stage yet. But while I went to do that I found out a friend close to me lost her dad… and I felt bad cause she was stuck with us for the night…. But she powered through…. But my heart broke for her. The next morning I wanted to see what people thought about Third Eye Blind… and found out that the show started a little over an hour late cause Stephen Jenkins mom was sick and wasn’t doing well. He’d never cancelled a show before and powered through till the last song. It’s my favorite song and I’ll link to it at the bottom of the page for you. It’s not easy to watch though. He’s mom had passed a few hours later. Someone this week I know lost their dad messaged me about it and was like I know how that feels… and I asked him how he’d feel being in the middle of the show and getting a call from a band members family and having to tell them during your break that their dad passed and still have a set left to play? It’s something I’ve done more than I have ever hoped to. I am very blessed to have both my parents here at my age. I think that’s the worst part about getting older. I can deal with the weight, hair loss, body breaking down… I just don’t want those around me to have to deal with any more loss. I am tired of dealing with loss.

I need to rest my poor heart.

Maybe it’s the weather like some people have said… Maybe it’s current events and all the new experts on anything and everything all over Facebook but I am incredibly blah this week. One of buddies even joked with me and asked me if I was skipping the gym this week cause my Instagram has been pretty quiet. So even though I feel like I have a case of the blahs, I went to the gym this week. I stuck pretty close to my meal plan and I took a few pounds off, so after 6 weeks of eating more and fixing my body and the things that I broke and staying at my starting weight cause my coach is crazy, we have movement. I just started eating tis new meal plan on Monday and I’m down 3 pounds. It’s not much bit it’s movement and all coach wants me to lose is 2 pounds a week while packing on muscle so I guess we are on the right path. I am going 7 days this week so 3 pounds in 3 days or so is great, I’ll take it. So yes, I have been going to the gym, I am doing what I need to do. And while I am just not feeling anything at this moment, I am looking for the sunshine through the rain.

I got a new girlfriend on Sunday. Luna Lovegood Sicilia rescued me and she doesn’t like to sleep in her crate and likes keeping the house and I awake a lot at night. So the little bugger has taken a lot out of me this week. Maybe the blahs I am feeling are a lack of sleep. But if you follow me on Instagram or Snapchat then get ready for a puppy onslaught cause it’s coming. We are fucking crazy. What the fuck were we thinking?

Well I have to get to the gym and finish this weeks programming. I am getting my hair did later this morning, my coach decided that he didn’t like my hair wolfing and bought me a fresh cut for my birthday. We’ll see what happens there! I am thinking it’s time for a mullet!

Be good kids.

Franco

The only selfie from Parx is with a canadian womens world cup player and friend, I am okay with that.

Everything is Alright..

February 9, 2018 By franco 1 Comment

Everything is Alight. Did you hear the sound of the world coming to an end a few nights ago? It was the kind of loud that was covered in an utter silence and I swear there was a silent scream before the living room I sat in erupted. Baba and I shifted towards the tv as he kissed his girl, Gina’s chicken legs did some kind of dance and then did that dance again on the ottoman… I put my hand on my wife’s knee and held back tears because I knew I was seeing something special. I was seeing something from a kid born in NE Philadelphia had always hoped to see and was already denied from seeing it twice in his lifetime. Everyone ran outside and cheered and I sat there for a few more minutes motionless and making sure that they weren’t going to take it away from the city somehow. Chaos. Family. Friends. I’ll never forget where I was and who I was with when the Philadelphia Eagles did what the world said would never happen, they won the fucking Super Bowl. Everything is alright.

I called my brother. I called my dad who was protesting the season because he worked hard to become an American citizen and hate the whole taking a knee thing but that’s a whole other story for another day. I texted my sister and cousin Frankie and went home to check on my doggie because fireworks were exploding all over the city. We got home and I got yelled at because I wasn’t paying attention to “This Is Us” and I couldn’t focus on anything but all the happiness that engulfed my phone, laptop and area. Two days later I still feel the same writing this. People are happy. People hugging and kissing each other all over and everything is alright. I got my hat. World Fucking Champs. Everything is alright.

You don’t have to know much about football to know that our star quarterback gets hurt going into the last few games of the season and the world who already said that the Eagles would be 1 and done in the playoffs has to sit there and watch out back-up quarterback and a team full of backups (we have a probowl lineup of guys hurt) win. Underdogs. Rocky. Us against the world. It will make a great NFL Film someday. The boys did it. A special group of men not because they are champs but because they never took credit of any kind on their own…. They instantly deflected to their families, team mates, coach, city, God. They are a unified team. You can say what you want about the classless city and the shithole we live in but this team has class. I am happy. My family is happy. Everything is alright.

Well that said how do you celebrate your birthday with all this happiness and craziness going on in the city you were born into to? You go to the parade! You go an watch these guys hoist that trophy. You don’t care about the cold. You have anxiety about the how and where but NEVER the why. You know why. I saw it with my own eyes with most of the people that I watched them win the game with and that’s how I celebrated my birthday. Parade. Dinner. Cake at the gym. (yeah, my coach is crazy but his twin daughters who wanted to sing to me are cute) and lots and lots of refection. For a moment the world stopped. The silence took over. Took a chance. It was too cold to talk. Everything is alright.

We are six weeks into the new year and guess what the total # is? 49 to go ☺ lol. Guess what? 6 weeks of eating more and reverse dieting had totally kept me pretty much at the same weight and on Monday I’ll start to try to drop pounds without losing the muscle I’ve packaged on and we’ll work on that scale number. But it’s the craziest thing to me. Football games, Super Bowl, My birthday and I’ve completely stayed where Coach Jason wanted me to. I need to rest my poor heart I think. But I am ready to change my work outs up, re-introduce cardio into my life (trust me I don’t want to) and I guess my food intake will change come Monday morning. I dunno what Coach is changing but we’ll start pulling it down again. I am ready. Everything is alright.

I have other stuff to talk about but there is always next year. But let’s think about this for a quick minute. It’s been 4 years that I’ve been on this journey. I’ve spent more days in a gym then I’ve spent out. I guess that’s a good thing. Thank you for ready.

Everything is alright.

Franco