Archives for November 2017

Broken Anyway

November 24, 2017 By franco 1 Comment

The night before Thanksgiving I was standing on stage… It was a total sausage party for the most part where the band was playing and I kept thinking about the high school get togethers that were going on all over the area that night. I was never really a part of them. For the last 22 years or so I was always playing music or something. And for some reason.. while the band was playing.. I zoned out and remembered something from high school that I hadn’t thought about in a very long time….

I got dropped off at a play (musical) cast party a little early by my dad. He really didn’t take me many places cause he was always working but I was having a hard time finding a ride and I really wanted to go.. so I got there that night. I was so excited and as I walked toward the house I heard voices from the basement window… they were talking about me.. and I heard the host making fun of me. I was frozen in fear and panic. The part I remember the most was the host saying that I should just shave my head, cut off my arms and legs and embrace my life as a pear. I stood there… tears streaming down my face and couldn’t move. But I had to do something. This was the late 80’s, I didn’t have a cell phone to call my dad. I finally was able to move and found myself around the corner sitting in someone’s driveway not knowing what to do. Even then, I knew that I couldn’t let other people get me down. And while my feelings were hurt, I needed to go to the party. I did. But I never forgot that night apparently.

I was on stage. It’s 28 years later. Longer than most of you guys reading this have probably been alive. That girl that said those things is on her 3rd marriage, posts about hating her weight gain, needing time for the gym and now wants to be my bestie on Facebook or come to see the band near her town. Yeah. Okay. No thank you. And while I think we did and said a lot of things when we were kids and probably still do. There is a reason I haven’t been to any marching band reunions, beef and beers or official high school reunions. Anyone I’d really want to see or really wanted to see can easily find me too. I don’t really have the small talk, chit chat inside me anymore.

I am enough. You are enough. Never let anyone let you feel otherwise.

The band had a 12 day break. I didn’t really. I was busy plotting out the summer with the management company and dealing with crazy brides and party planners. I did have a day away at the Flyers game. My girlfriend at the customer relations desk upgraded my tickets and while the Flyers lost I still got to see a pretty great game, and their were a lot of friends there. We had an unplanned dinner at Xfinity live with my friend Gina and her husband Phil and then headed home to binge watch Stranger Things 2 till 3am. First time in a long time that I didn’t see a band. I was okay with that.

I don’t know what I weigh. I know my muscles hurt. I know I did a few HIIT classes this week and trained legs with coach, and did back and bicpeps, chest, tris, shoulders and traps.. even some delt work and my body is sore. I can see it start to bounce back into shape. And seriously, yesterday was Thanksgiving. I’ll get back at it hardcore on Monday and go all the way to the holidays with little distraction. I do feel really good and getting stronger. The muscles are coming in faster than ever.

I spent Thanksgiving morning in the gym with Keith doing shoulders and then a killer Gobble Gobble Workout. I earned that damn chocolate lava cake. That shit was good too.

Something else that has been bothering me since Monday or Tuesday. I was at Philadelphia Mills and had gone to buy clothes for a Bigg Romeo photoshoot that’s coming up. I went into Walmart afterwards and when I came out, I heard screaming and this young punk was pushing this girl around like a maniac and screaming. I wanted to fly around to his lane and protect her, It was obvious she knew him. I think he wanted her to go into the store and she didn’t want to but I wasn’t carrying, I got scared and while others were watching no one steps up. I went home sick to my stomach and full of regret. I didn’t know if the guy had a gun, but still I had failed. And it’s been bugging me all week. How can any guy lay their hands on a female. It was the basic principle that I was taught. Shit, I would mess with my sister but I guess at the age where we understood, I never hit or beat up on my sister… now we both beat on my little brother but he always deserved it. Still does. I hope that girl is okay. I am sorry I was scared and didn’t help you. It won’t ever happen again.

My father in law hasn’t answered his phone all week with my wife and his grand children calling him so after the gym and breakfast today we stopped over. It was my idea. My wife hasn’t ebnn able to sleep all week cause she actually cares. He was a total asshole to her and said he wasn’t answering his phone because of me some reason… he must be low on pain pills or off his meds but a screaming match ensued on his doorstep and I lost my cool. I can’t stand anyone yelling or talking down to her. Drives me right into a crazed lunatic. So I guess it’s finally hit that I am never going to have that close relationship with him or anyone from Amber’s family for that matter. We see one cousin more than once a year… that’s about it. We could probably fit a cousins lunch at our kitchen table. Happy Holidays. Go Fuck yourself now.

Ugh.

DDHD. Dreams don’t have deadlines. Thank you LL Cool J for this new mantra. 24 days till Florida. 37 Days till NYE.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Thank you for being here.

Franco

New Year’s Day

November 16, 2017 By franco 2 Comments

Well it’s been a week so far and I know it’s only been a few days since I last wrote some words down but I am doing my best to get something written at least weekly. So I guess I’ll start with a recap and tell you that on Monday I got on the scale. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was still almost 12-15 pounds lighter than I was last November and in April when I recommitted.

On Monday I got up, got on the scale, took a deep breath, got dressed and headed for the kitchen. I prepared what I needed to and just got it done as much as possible. I’ve drank over 1 GALLON of water a day. No added sugar. Little added salt. And hit the gym and weights hard. Lighter weights, more exercises and isolated body parts. I have been on less then 100 carbs a day so I haven’t really been motivated to do cardio but I will soon enough. I am not starving I promise. I am eating. I think my body is in shock though cause even at 1900 calories my stomach is grumbling like crazy at bed time, and so very unlike me, I’ve just been going to bed so that I don’t get tempted to eat. So I am meeting my nutrition, water and gym… need to get a little more sleep and things will be on the right path.

I post and tag a lot about New Years….. and I guess it’s time to explain why…. Like everything – there is a story – So a 4 years ago when this all started a few days before New Years, and if you read much of this blog you’ll know this story already. But we were playing a show in New Hope. It was my wife’s birthday and she was having her fun and I remember almost having an out of body experience for most of the night. It was Christmas week. The place was packed. Everyone was having so much fun and I felt like I was watching from outside the box. I knew I had to do something. My body just didn’t want to do the things I wanted it to do in my head. I hated the clothes I was wearing. I hated the weight I had gained and how it held me down again from doing simple things like fitting in the seats at a movie or hockey game. I had kicked this once. What the fuck happened? We talked last week about that how I am stupid…. So even to add to this mess…. Amber ends up getting sick two times on the way home… and I took pictures of course cause that’s what I do….. she spent the next day…. On the couch and didn’t see the drunken collage I posted on Facebook and the 200 plus likes and comments till it was too late and I was a dead man. One particular photo was her bend over at the rest stop. She was ready for a change too.

While amber slept, I created this blog to hold myself accountable. I wasn’t going to advertise it, I was just going to write. I also started a personal twitter and whoever found it great… But I wasn’t Facebooking my every move because I had been here before and knew the laughs behind my back when I would fail… Anyway. – I spent her whole birthday pulling old photos together. I had emailed a few gyms… and then came up with an intro plan at least. When the smoke settled, Amber and I were going to give it a clean start and on January 6^th we both kicked it into gear… me with walking every morning at the mall and she was doing Shaun T tapes… The gym came a few months later.

A few nights later it was New Years Eve and I played at Parx and that’s where my goal came. We were playing with Fish out of Water… friends of mine… and those punks are usually shot out of a cannon. That night as much as my heart was, my body was not. I wasn’t keeping up and felt like I didn’t need to be there at all. The next morning my agent called and said we were going to do it again the following year so that’ where the 100 pounds in a year came from……

New Year’s is about finding a love you know will last forever, a person, a passion, a new hope…… and saying one final goodbye to all your past struggles.

I don’t think there is any magic at midnight. I just typically reflect more than anything. That’s really why NYE is important to me. I am usually alone 9/10 times and it’s good to sit back, take it all in, and reflect. I don’t believe in resolutions ironically enough so my plans usually start a few days later. Stopped smoking, it was the 3^rd…. most successful diet started in the 6^th. There is too much pressure in a NY resolution.

I had to make a change. I am still trying to make a change. I don’t regret the things I’ve done, I don’t want to regret the things I didn’t do when I had the chance.

Could have, would have, should have…. If only… excuses…. What I did in the past… this person – that person…

When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It most likely has nothing new to say.

If you are reading this, there is air in your lungs and you are alive. That’s the first step.

I am much better than I was 4 years ago. I’ve fractured my elbow… had surgery…been through hell and back and still kept moving forward..

So don’t post pictures of your wife’s butt on Facebook. That’s probably never gonna be a good thing for you and just breathe. Live in the moment..

I hope this finds everyone well. I have to pee. This water drinking is for the birds.

Franco

It’s ironic that this came out this week too.

This is why we can’t have nice things.

November 12, 2017 By franco 5 Comments

So it’s been awhile and I guess since tomorrow I start with a recommitment to my goals I wanted to write. Why? Same reason people who make the same mistakes over and over again post IG photos and memes about how strong they are… want to be… or wish they could be… before they fall into the same pattern over and over again in life. I am that person as well so don’t sit there and think that I might be talking about you because I am not hiding any subliminal messages in here. The only thing I will say is that sooner or later you have to start living those memes or believe them or you end up a cliche. That’s usually why I need motivation and post it.. Because deep down instead just like my love for Santa Claus, I want to believe. There is nothing wrong with that.

But there is a flip side.. There is that person who posts and talks a good game on social media but that’s where it ends. I am always afraid more than anything of being that person. There is a fine tightrope to walk when it comes to that. So there I am. Walking the tightrope. Trying to figure it all out. Still trying to hold myself accountable.

The truth is that I am not perfect and while I want to lift people up, sometimes I knock them down because I am stupid and stupid shit comes out of my mouth. I know as soon as the words leave my mouth. Not something I am proud of and something I need to do better at. We all have demons, we all have insecurities. I told a friend and client while she was drunk and eating nachos… and after some ribbing back and forth already that I hope she didn’t fit in her wedding dress…. I am evil. The next day, I went to put on my smallest tux pants that were only just tight a week or two ago…. And they weren’t getting on. So there you have what is called karma… While I didn’t mean what I said to be mean and evil… It’s not something that normally would ever come out of my mouth. But it did and I need to do better with the people that actually care about me and support me. As far as my pants… that’s a whole other story….

My brilliant wife wanted a new kitchen. The kitchen hadn’t been touched in years. A total demo and rehab. So that is what it is but not being able to stay on my meal plan didn’t help me any. I never stopped the gym but I haven’t had the heart and determination that I had before my hernia surgery. I am hoping that I can spin that and get my head right. Bad decisions taste much better then good ones that’s for sure. The tuxedo pants not fitting great really can fuck with me. I mean they are the smallest size I’ve owned in years but… in the end… they still fit a few weeks ago an while they fit…. They sure as hell weren’t comfortable. But I have posted about Mondays a lot. They are made for a reset. And I’ll man up, get on the scale. Look at the number, Take a deep breath and start my day on a better footing.

It is going to suck. I’ll be better getting back at it. It will never be finished though. We all know that.

The band is on bandcation this week for days. And while everyone else really gets to unplug from it. I don’t. Shows still need to be prepped, advertised. I am not going anywhere. We haven’t planned anything. So we’ll just let it go where it’s going to go.

So I am going to get back at this. And just in case you didn’t know. You can say what you want about me. It will never be as bad as what I think, what I feel, or what I see in the mirror. If you think I don’t hear almost every thing you say about me…. You are out of your mind.. Stab me in the back while you hug me or shake my hand. No worries. This is why we can’t have nice things!

I don’t have an endgame. I’ve always wanted to mic drop on new years eve. And just walk away. So I guess you never know. Like I said earlier. Stupid shit comes out of my mouth.

Thank you for reading and being here.

Franco

A little catch up in photographs can be found below…