Archives for May 2017

Talking to Myself

May 25, 2017 By franco 1 Comment

The last few weeks have gone by pretty fast. When you have a plan and program no matter what you have going on in your life you have to go and do what you have to do. It’s just that simple. Unless your body is screaming for a break.. If it’s Tuesday and you have legs to do on your coaches schedule there is no, well I don’t feel like it. You have to do legs or it throws off the rest of the weeks program. So with that, I’ve don’t pretty good. I have not missed a workout in almost 6 full weeks.

I am in the middle of week six. And it’s very hard for me to tell any progress really. The scale isn’t really the what I am competing against. I guess if it was I’d just do cardio for hours and something would. I guess when the gym gets its cardio section up and running I am gonna get up and go do some fasted cardio in the morning but for right now I just do a few HIIT classes a week and lift weights. I like weights. I lift them up and I put them down. Fucking weights. Over and over again. But the scale dipped into 310lb for a day or two and once I got back to training it went back to the 311’s. WHAT THE FUCK! It’s been two weeks in this range. Up and down in a 3 pounds range.

I posted this on FB …. If you’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked, try accepting yourself and see what happens. I get it but holy shit. Sometimes even when I set a reasonable goal and work my butt off to get to it… how come I cant? I wanted to be under 310 by Memorial Day. Really wanted to be under 300 but didn’t want to put that much pressure on myself so I decided on a modest goal and still fall a little flat but today weighted in at 309.9 – It’s close but I’ll take it and stay off the scale now till Monday. Fuck that scale.

I went to the barber yesterday and he was so amazed by how good I look, he was funny, “dude you look good” he said. How much more do you want to lose. I thought it was sweet and funny and we talked about how I get judged on stage every weekend and sometimes I feel in the gym too because of my weight, but little do they know I’ve already lost 100 pounds & have changed my entire life around. People just suck anymore and honestly though, anyone reading knows I’d talk to anyone about it. But it’s easier to throw glances across a bar then to actually talk to someone.

It seems that I am at a constantly finding myself at a cross road. Lots of thinking going on in my head. Sometimes so much that sleep is tough. I seem to be cranky more and I should be happy. I have people who love me, I have lost 32 pounds since the new year and it should be a pretty good summer. Are we out of the woods yet?

No dream car yet but soon I hope. These car dealers all suck.

Yesterday was a scheduled cardio day and I woke up to a text that class was cancelled. So I got up, ate and went and did my own.

250 Meter on the Rower
30 Second Rope Slams
5 minutes on the elliptical
20 Sit ups
20 wall balls

As many as possible for 30 minutes. I worked myself into my own little sweat. But I did it.

I am loved and found a good gym family again. Truth is we are all a little lost but we’ll pull it together helping each other. One of my coaches is there with me 5 days a week at 10am and she could just tell me to go to hell cause I have 5 other days of programming now from coach Jason and she is always reworking her classes to keep me moving, interested and not hurting or overworking my muscles. Some people wouldn’t give a shit. But not she-hulk. She is always badgering me to keep pushing. They do care at Back to Basics where I’ve been hiding since the end of February. The gym isn’t perfect. It’s changing. And I’ve helped change it a little and market it some but I think the average joe needs more classes and recently they’ve cut a bunch. I know they need more members and I am going to be a on a mission to get people to work out with me once they get the gym looking and operating like they should. And no I am not on the staff, although I’ll be glad to work a few hours behind the desk and do my work. It just easy to care about a place and people who care about you.

Well I have a workout at 10 and it’s already after 9 so I guess I’ll wrap things up with my Memorial Day run down….

Since January 1^st I am down 32 Pounds. I have lost a total of 101 pounds since I started this Journey on January 6, 2014. In my 5.5 weeks with Jason on his meal and workout program I’ve lost 15 pounds. I started on April 11^th. I am now working to get under 300 by 4^th of July. Let’s go flying again! Coach told me yesterday that I should just do the work and leave the thinking to him. Bastard.

Tomorrow will begin my 20^th summer with Bigg Romeo.

Keep all my band mates and family in your thoughts. Lots of driving and lots of stress.

Thank you for reading. Stay safe.

Franco

We Can Get Better….

May 19, 2017 By franco 3 Comments

A few days ago the question that has probably been on her mind for a long time finally came out… I knew it would come sooner or later and I knew that I’d have to look her in the face and tell the truth. If I lied, she’d know. Like everything else around here there is never really the perfect moment so I think it was on Sunday during a commercial break on some dumb movie we’ve probably seen a million times time.

“Have you ever wanted to kill yourself” she asked me.

“Yes”, I said.

She took a deep breath and asked, “Recently?”

“No. I’m better” I replied.

I know that “13 Reasons Why” has people buzzing and I am okay with it causing so many people to talk about depression and mental illness. I really don’t think it’s something young adults should be watching in this day and age honestly. It’s just my opinion. I think as adults we are better suited to pick it apart and take it in – but as a lost teenager, I am not so sure. But I wouldn’t really know because I refused to watch it. I might end up reading the book on the beach this summer so I can experience it the way the author wanted it.

It was 1996, I was strung out on morphine at the University of Pennsylvania hospital and for 5 months in traction. Metal bars drilled through my legs and holding my hip in place so it could heal around two pins that were holding it together. I was gaining weight rapidly. I was in a very dark place. My mom never left my side for moms. I was 24 and just broken. A drunk driver put me here. I was angry. I was crushed. And while the first few days I was medically put out when I came through, 90% of my visitors had come and gone without me knowing. It was just mom and I.

I had ripped out IVs, hallucinated that Bill Clinton was coming to visit me and that a Barney balloon someone brought me was trying to kill me. The only thing on tv in the middle of the night back then was Highlander and Quantum Leap. There was no Netflix and on Saturday mornings my mom would go to the street to see if any good bootleg movies on VHS were being sold.

This was a dark bottom. I didn’t want to see my mom washing her underwear in the bathroom sink of a hospital room. I didn’t want to be lifted by a bunch of young nurses in a crane type hoist to be washed or have my sheets changed. I didn’t want to hear the doctor tell my mom I should have had my jaws wired shut so I couldn’t eat and be so fat.

I didn’t want to live anymore. It hurt too much. I slipped into a depression and sometimes went days without saying much. My family had moved to VA that summer and my baby brother no matter how tired my dad was from work would make my dad bring him to Philly to see me every weekend. Snow storms and downpours they came and I did look forward to those visits. I slept through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and my 25th Birthday. I was in a dark place.

This was the time where I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. This was a time in my life where I thought the world didn’t need me, wouldn’t miss me and that it was better on everyone to not be around.

I left the hospital shortly after my 25th to go to a rehab for a few weeks to learn to walk and get around. My mom wasn’t allowed to stay with me so she went to my apartment where my grandma had moved to stay close to me. I was discharged in the middle of a snow storm on what ended up being my wedding anniversary years later and the day my best friend died. (Maybe I should see if that number comes out in the lottery often).

They had moved me into a new apartment and it was a 1 bedroom so my grandma stayed with me and my mom went home. She’d been gone for a long time and my brother was still young. I am not sure what happened or how but my grandma saved me. It was hard, watching my grandma empty my commode bucket just sucked. But she didn’t care. She walked to stores, the laundry. And little by little, I got better. Sure I was frustrated but little by little I needed the world and the world needed me. Fuck that doctor! Fuck anyone that says I can’t do something.

Chris Cornell committed suicide two days ago. I wasn’t a big fan of Soundgarden. I did like a few songs and I did love his voice. It amazes me reading the comments on social media of people that just don’t get it. He had it all, he was a millionaire. What does that matter? So was Robin Williams, Prince, Elvis, Kurt Cobain etc. If people want to debate drug addiction as an illness what is depression? Something you can cure with a lollipop?

Amy Bleuel started the Semicolon Project and after 1000’s of people got semicolon tattoos (including me) she felt so much pain that she ended her life. Her own movement didn’t save her.

It’s incredibly sad to me. But I have embraced that my story is important. That’s why I tell it here for no one to read, or for me to just go back and read. Maybe someday my step sons will want to read about this journey I was on and understand something a little more than just the fact that there aren’t Oreo’s and chips all over the kitchen anymore (Yeah that sucks too). That this shaped me. This changed me. This saved me. This made me strong. That in the end a few amazing women in my life helped make me better. That I made me better. And 21 years later after a very scary and dark time of my life I am still here and I still want to scream from the mountain tops. There is love out there. There is hope out there.

So yeah I shared deeply today. Yes, I answered her honestly. She cared. And I am okay.

Now if you pay attention to me, you should know someone close to me, someone who helped save me, felt so much pain that they wanted to sleep forever, that it affected me. That I got a 21 Pilots tattoo before you knew they existed, they helped save someone I loved, that the image is spot on to me and it is on my wrist to remind myself and those around me to Stay Alive. Our story isn’t over. I am a big fan and support the To Write Love on Her Arms organization. I have a lot of their shirts and I love them and their message. So people have asked me about it and checked in on me because I share their stuff. I am good.

But I guess this is the longest blog in awhile but with all the suicides recently I felt had a story to tell.

I will catch you up on why you probably really came here today. I was hoping to have more to tell honestly.

I have spent the week at 312 and up and down in that pound number. I trained hard too since i trained WITH coach 3 days plus on my own – plus classes. I had really hoped to have been at 300 by Memorial Day. Kinda bummed out about that. But I know in my heart I am working as hard as I can.

I have to get my ass to the gym. I am better and I don’t want anyone worried about me. I am just about ready to delete this whole blog and skip this shit this week. It’s taken me all morning to write this.

We can get better because we’re not dead yet.

Franco

Hate that you know me

May 12, 2017 By franco 2 Comments

There is a fine line sometimes between things you want and things you need. Sometimes it’s not so easy. I have always wanted a muscle car. It was never a big concern because I could not really fit into them. So while I dreams of flying to the shore in one and blasting music on my way to see my grandma… she’s gone… and I am still just in my truck… which not only do I need for the band but was something that over the past 15 years I could fit in. I mean my last three vehicles were massive. And mostly cause I could fit in it. When I started this journey 3 years ago, I posted a picture of a Challenger on Facebook and said that when I lost the 100 pounds that I would buy it.. But life happens and in the end talk myself out it most of the time… I was very close to pulling the trigger on Wednesday at Reedman and just couldn’t do it. Here she is… I was flying around the test track at Reedman and had already decided that I was going to call her Rosalita. Something wasn’t right. I wanted to come home and talk about it… well that went well and then while I was at the studio I got a bullshit text from the salesman telling me that someone else was calling about it… and I just told them that if someone wanted it to sell it. Bullshit sales tactics don’t scare me. They’ll be others.

Today makes 32 days since I started my meal plan with Jason at Back to Basics Fitness in Penndel. I have had scrambled eggs for 32 days for breakfast. I have eaten at least 1-2 chicken meals a day since then. I can count the baby stumbles on 2 fingers. I have behaved. I have worked hard and yesterday I was at exactly 100 pounds lost again to the 10^th of a pound and today 1.5 lbs came back over night. WTF. My body sucks. But since I started 32 days ago I am down just about 13 pounds and we know I am lifting heavy 3 days a week at least and I know my body is changing. Since I pretty much am an open book when it comes to this journey, You’ll see that the scale numbers on the left SUCK ASS! How is that for professional tone?

So yesterday I ate and went into the bedroom. I pulled the size 40 jeans out of the drawer. Still have the tags on them. I smashed all the butt I could in there. I laid on my back on the bed and those damn jeans buttoned and with just a little ass hanging out, and the jeans were on. Now they felt painted on and I surely wasn’t putting my wallet or keys or anything in the pockets but part of me thought that keeping a steady course will get them on much better by memorial day for sure. But I wish there was video of my trying to get them on. I think it’s a whole lot funnier in my head. Next time maybe. Fat guy in little jeans.

My coach took away a few carbs this week but honestly it’s not a big deal, I am still getting 2100-2300 calories most days and while the weekends are hard on anyone watching what they eat…. The week is pretty easy for me with the all my gym time included. The weekends are another story.

I am gonna sign off. Just wanted to try and catch everyone up.

Until next week.

Franco