June 2016 – So Uncomfortably Numb

I see you in the corner of the gym trying so hard to lift that weight. It’s okay you’ll get there. Everyone started somewhere. Don’t worry about the people on the other side of you. They started somewhere too. Just do you. You’ll get there. It’s not something that happens over night. There are steps and progress to be taken and made. But no matter what, don’t quit. I see you.

I see you struggling. I see the smile that used to burn off your lips with ease being shut down. I see the struggle in your face. It’s there, you want to smile, you want to laugh but it has a hard time coming out. Sometimes the people around you are going to try and dim your light. They might be doing it on purpose. They might be malicious. They might not even know that they are doing it but YOU have the power to stop them. You have the control over yourself. Not anyone else. Don’t let your light dim for anyone. It’s a part of you and probably the best part of you. Smile. Laugh. I see you.

I see you. You took a leap. The water was cold. But you swam. You biked and you ran. You might not have had the proper tools. You might not have had the perfect time. But I see you. You had a goal. You crushed it. No one other than yourself has to understand why you did it. People are going to think you are weird. It’s okay. All that matters is what you think. You jumped off the mother fucking Cape May Ferry into cold ass water and swam to safety only to ride your bike for 20 miles and run another 10. (My numbers might be off but unless zombies are chasing me, I am not running anywhere) Did you do your best? Then fuck everyone else and be happy. Let yourself be happy. It’s okay. I see you. You are a warriors. All my friends that escaped the cape are. No matter how fast or slow you finished. You finished what you started and I see you. Oh and you are fucking nutso. You paid to jump off a boat. I pay to stay on the damn thing. But you did it. We don’t let just anyone on our team. I see you.

I see you getting off and on the scale. Yes. It does really say that. It doesn’t lie unfortunately. It doesn’t follow you to the gym, it doesn’t watch what you put in your mouth. But it sees you. You see it as the tell tale heart. It can make your day or it can ruin your week. It has the ability to make your cry tears of heart ache and tears of joy. In the end, it see you, I see you and in your heart you see it. While it knows all, it doesn’t know you. It doesn’t now whats in your heart. It doesn’t know the heart that you have and the heart that you will give to get it to show you a number you’ve dreams about. In the end. I see you. You are looking in the mirror right back at me.

I see you. Who knows what’s all over the mirror. It’s probably a mix of toothpaste, hear goop and water. I probably put it there cause in the end I am a slob, although I do try not to be. But I am. I see you you looking back at me. Some people look here and see themselves 20 years younger. You didn’t like yourself much 20 years ago and there is a much stronger person looking in the mirror now. I see you. You are going to be okay. You are hurting. I know you don’t really know why. I see you. You feel stuck. You feel unappreciated. You feel taken advantage of. Your phone only goes off when someone wants something anymore. You play games. You edit your pictures. You promote. It’s still okay. It’s summer and this is your time. This is your day. Those same people who take, take, take – profit from the light and your gifts and at the same time would love to see them stifled. But I see you my friend. You’ve come a long way and together we’ll finish what we started.

I see you wanting to be better. I see you wanting focus and that focus will come. I see you falling behind. I’ll wait for you. Will you wait for me? I am the guy who catches your in the mirror as you walk across the hall to the bathroom while your sleeping. I’ve been with you since day one and when you take your last breath I’ll be there with you to take one last walk. You’ve lost your way for the past month or so and that’s okay. We’ll find it together. I see you. I love you. Let’s do this. I see you on the scale. I see you at the gym. I see you worrying about the lady in the corner, pulling her shirt down, feeling out of place. I’ve seen you lose your light and I’ve seen it shine so bright that nothing could dim it. Don’t worry my friend. I see you.

It’s okay. I am still here. I am not going anywhere.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I was raised as a boy of summer. My parents bought a house at the Jersey Shore with my grandma in 1976. I was 5. I’ve been somewhere at the Jersey Shore ever since. I count down the days to Memorial day week after week from Labor day. In the water for hours growing up with my brother and sister I was whole. I wasn’t weight down. I was alive more than any other place in my life, in my heart. It was the cure for everything that ailed me.

I worked at gas stations, I delivered papers, I even worked in the Brigantine Castle. My first jersey shore gig with the band was Jimmy’s in Wildwood and then not too long after we filled in for a band that cancelled at Carney’s in Cape May and the rest was history. If I didn’t love the beach before I was smitten as an adult as well.

This memorial day was no different. It’s been 10 years since we got the Wildwood condo. We’ve only had to get a new fridge since so this year ordered a new living room set and bed. I haven’t had a decent nights sleep there in at least 3 years. Damn bed. All better now. I had two shows at the shore and 1 in Philly this weekend so we headed to the shore Thursday to make everything pretty. Played in Sea Isle on Friday and then Saturday we did our little drunk walk, go carting, shoot the dude with paint balls, call a cabs, fish bowls, tram cars, and twisted lemonades. I couldn’t even take a nap I was so excited to get to Carney’s to play and it was packed to the gills. It was a great time!

Came home Sunday morning and played a block party. It started raining. I just started grabbing our stuff and bringing it to safety and I must have slammed my hand because it swelled up quickly and bad. But other than it being really discolored from bruising. It looks fine right now, thank god.

Monday I usually have a pool party but rain in the forecast ended that. It never did end up raining. And that my friends is my summer kick off in a nutshell. Surrounded by good friends, family and fun.

I am doing okay. I thought for sure that not counting my calories and drinking lots of fruity girly drinks, that I was in trouble on the scale but it’s not bad. I did gain a few pounds over the last few weeks but really just about the same as last week.

I have hit my workouts. I trained upper body yesterday. I am still on the path. I will hit my next goal by years end because I have it in me and I am tough. I am strong.

But I figured I’d fill you in, catch you up and get out of here. Sorry it’s not very deep this week but I am already dreaming of the beach!

See you in the water!