May 2016 – So Uncomfortably Numb

I haven’t written in awhile. It happens. I am glad you are still here though. I haven’t stopped. I’ve tripped and stumbled but I haven’t stopped.

I got on the scale Monday and I was almost 321 pound. I was pretty much in tears. The dogs had just covered themselves in mud in the back yard. Nothing was going my way that morning and I had to get to a workout. Something had to give.

But on my way to train I took a few moments to focus. I hadn’t been taking my water pill. I wasn’t drinking enough water. My eating was way off. I was making bad decisions. So in the end you can either keep making them or start making better ones.

I went to training and then boot camp. I made sure my meds were taken and water was drank and tried my best to hit my macros. And that started things going in the right direction. in a few days. 10 pounds have flushed off me and I feel so much better. Thank god. It’s the scariest thing ever to me to feel the weight coming back on.

I haven’t been myself since Easter. I get these ear infections and have since was a kid. They have been worse the past few years and I think a lot of it has to do do with all of a sudden hitting 40 and having allergies. I NEVER had them as a kid. I hit 40 and it’s been brutal ever since. Right now I am on my 3rd Z pack since then and first round of antibiotics. I think that is affecting me as well.

But I am still here. I am still trying. I still have goals and I will get them! It is just going to take me a little time. And that I have.

And that was last week and I never finished this blog so let me catch you up a little bit.

I have worked out every day this week. On Monday I trained with my trainer and hit a 145lb personal record on the bench press and did boot camp. Tuesday was OTF and Bootcamp… Wednesday was OTF, Training and Bootcamp… Today was OTF and later I’ll bootcamp. So I am getting my workouts in. I am getting stronger. My weight is up a few pounds but I am going to ride it out and not let it get in my head too much. I really need to get my eating under control. I am just on the struggle bus.

I think I am going to plan my week out. It’s only really 3 1/2 days since I’ll be heading to the shore on Thursday Night and I am sure will be lots of chicken and that’s okay I guess. It is what it is.

I am not giving up. I promise. I always want to write to you guys – if anyone is left reading this anymore.. But I sound like a pathetic broken record to myself sometimes. I can do this… I will do this. I will get better. Its frustrating.

I think I have been depressed about how much loose skin is all over my legs. It hurts to walk. It hurts to jump. I actually prefer my pants on stage to be a little tighter to hold it all together. If I can’t get the insurance company to help me with it I will have to figure out something come fall. A part of me is trying to get my head straight to try and take off as much weight as I can till then because it will only be better for me and whatever procedures the doctor wants to do for me. So I think I will try and put myself to a June Challenge. Better habits. More sweat. Challenge myself a little more.

I’ve applied to a million jobs and no bites so I have nothing but time. It’s time to make things happen for myself then.

Amber and I got a lot done at the shore house this past weekend and it’s pretty much ready for the summer. That’s my time of year. Things will be better.