In one of my favorite Counting Crows songs….”A Murder of One”… Lead singer Adam Duritz croons an ad-lib of an old Beatles song…. It’s powerful and has always echoed inside me……
“she said how does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?
how does it feel to be one of the fortunate ones?
how does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?
how does it feel, to be all alone, under the sun?”
“You gotta stand up for me darling…. and let the rain come pouring down and wash away your sins….”
How does it feel? Because I never thought myself special. I never though myself beautiful. I’ve always joked with myself that I am a goose. Those around me will never be able to tell that my self esteem has been dragged through the mud and beaten senseless by family, friends and even those who think they are both or neither. I have been blessed with many people who don’t fit into this mold… They are the ones you let into the inner circle…. The ones who won’t beat you down with a 2×4. The ones who lift themselves while lifting you….
How does it feel? I like to think that the beautiful people are agonized as well. No one is ever perfect and many people have a hard time settling into that idea… I am not perfect. I stumble. I fall. I get the hell back up too. Do you want to get me to do something? Tell me that I can’t. No one tells me that I can’t do something.
This week has been a hard one. I went to the Flyers game on Monday and self control wasn’t my strong suit. I was so tired from a 5:30am boot camp and walk that I just couldn’t resist the two free pepsi’s sitting in the suite taunting me. So I made it 12 weeks without an ounce of soda. So I’ll just freaking start over. It was actually too sugary for me. Went down nice tough 🙂 But I didn’t run out and buy a case of soda either.
Fast forward to this past Friday night. The band played at Parx Casino. It’s one of my favorite places… and one of the best places to see the band play. It’s always a good time. I was feeling the blahs most of the day. But I took a shower… Put on new skinnier clothes, new sneakers and just felt so much better. I felt like I was fired out of a cannon when we started and tried my best to keep my energy level as high as possible. Felt good. Woke up with feet on fire and ready to do it all over again. Just showed me that although the scale might not be moving as fast in the right direction as I wanted it to… I am changing. Things are changing…
Waited all day for boot camp Saturday. When I don’t do something it just makes me feel lost at this point. It’s definitely part of my routine now… walking.. Boot camp.. Protein…
Woke up on Sunday and just felt blah with the weather. I was trying to snap out of it… but it’s hard. Finally had a photo shoot. I hadn’t had anything since March 11th. I was starting to get a little crazy. And I weighted in…. 1.2 pounds from my first major goal. So you probably won’t read this until I hit the damn goal cause I am going to weight my fat ass everyday until I do it. It’s that simple.
I did get an amazing Facebook message from a friend of the bands telling me that I looked awesome and to keep up the hard work cause I was a maniac on stage. You should see the smile on my face. I was nice to get it out of no where.
So we flash forward to Monday and I weight in and am .8 – freaking .8 pounds from my first goal of 50 lbs lost. I am 361.8 pounds. I need to get that .8 off so get to my first goal of 50 pounds lost. I would love to lose another 25 in 8 weeks. I would love to be at 75 pounds lost by memorial day. That’s way a head of schedule so I don’t know if it’s possible but we’ll strive for it anyway.
I’ve lasted 12 weeks. Maybe I really can change.
Have a great week everyone. Follow me on twitter for updates.