I ride the waves.
I ride waves of anxiety.
I ride waves of confidence.
I ride waves of fear and self doubt.
I ride waves of glee.
Some are bigger than others, but I feel them all.
This is who I am.
Standing on the scale in the bathroom, butt ass naked this morning, staring down at what I will call the end of the summer weigh in. I had two angels in there with me. And don’t get it wrong my angels aren’t from Victorias secret. My guardian angels are brutal truth tellers. Both have seen me at my best and at my worse. Both will tell me how it is. And guess what both were quiet today. Both of them know that even after the summer of Tennessee Tea. (Yes, My favorite drink and Amber has perfected it after Nashville.) That I am 25 pounds from my final destination. The number that everyone asks about because you know most people I bump into are either on the gym or the bar and in both places being shy doesn’t happen. There are two different kinds of courage. One is fueled by an awesome pump and the other is fueled by booze. Both bring out the funny with people for sure.
This past weekend someone who I’ve known for a long time in Cape May asked me how much more weight do I have to loose cause ya know I’ll never be happy. I didn’t know the answer. I know that my coach and trainer (I’ve been doing it alone for over a year now but he’s still a mentor) and I came up with a healthy number for my body and age and that’s what I have been working to acheive. Will it make me happy? I dunno. Guess I’ll see when we get there.
They weren’t mean about it any the way, but it was a loaded compliment and I get used to them too. This is my journey and I guess I will be happy at some point right? I deserve to be happy. I have earned “happy”. I will he hopeful. I will be happy. Fuck. I am happy.
Today I will remember that I am a badass that can kick any day’s ass.
Today I will fight for joy by taking moments to pause and breathe
and take in the good around me.
Today I will look for the gifts and privileges this day brings me.
Today I will nourish and take care of my body.
Today I will do my best to love well (more than harm).
I am human and
I am flawed.
I am still worthy of care and love, rest, pampering, grace and goodness.
I am happy sitting in the middle seat of an airplane. I am happy sitting in the middle seat if Andrea’s SUV. I am happy when I can sit on a shitty plastic lawn chair and not bring the thing crashing to the ground around me.
So let me wrap this one up. I am 25 pounds from my goal weight. I think my BMI will be in “Overweight” for the first time since middle school but it’s a long way from morbidly obese. I will get there. Will I get there by 2020. I dunno. But I would like to lose 1 pound a week from now till the end of the year and that’s 17 weeks so 17 pounds is healthy and manageable. I know right now you’re going, holy shit I could do that. Yeah, you can. Many of you could probably do better than that. I have been doing this a long time so it only gets harder and harder. But when I get back from Florida, I will be cutting the booze till the holidays. (I know how much everyone loves sober Franco at shows) And I will be doing clean Keto. Black coffee, minimal fake sugar, and 20 total carbs and NOT ‘Net carbs”. I can do that for 12 weeks which will take me to Thanksgiving. I can do that. I am also going to start back on my lifting bible and change up my workouts. I think for the first time I will really embrace the rest day in the middle of the week. I am going to try and go to bed at 10pm most nights because by 10:30 my second wind kicks ins and I know I need more sleep.
So there is my after vacation goal 🙂
Yeah I got my letter and I am going to Hogwarts on Sunday. I will do my best to make smart choices but I am not going to go crazy. I will not derail. I will be fine. I will have a blast. I will fly with no issues. I will fit on all the rides with no anxiety. I had a little spell last week when I saw that the Hagrid’s rollercoaster isn’t great for overweight riders with a size 40 or more waist. I was literally having a panic attack with my headphones on watching this video. Amber looks at me and was like why you freaking out you are a 32/34 waist. You’ll be fine. I was a 46 last time I went to Universal 2 years ago so I guess my brain wasn’t computing that. Bring on Hargrid’s Adventure. Do I want to ride the cycle or ride bitch? Hmmmm. Both.
I had a great summer and I have no regrets. Well just that it ended too soon and I didn’t get on the water as much as I would have liked. I will have to do better next summer.
Thank you to for all the love and support. Saw a lot of friends this summer and made some new ones too.
I am still out here. I am still on my journey. I think the journey not ending is something that makes me happy,. I haven’t quit. Everyone who bet against me, or thought I’d gain the weight back in a year…. YOU LOST! PAY THE FUCK UP. I accept Venmo and Filet Mignon and macadamia nuts cause that keto shit is expensive,
Okay, Time to practice my spells.
P.S. Don’t be afraid of the waves.