I have basically been an evil person for the past two weeks. I don’t really know what it is. Although I know I am too hard on myself. I’ve been withdrawn, depressed and feel like a dark cloud of doom is following me around. I knew when I started Flexible dieting that it was a long process and not a quick weight loss fix. That it was something that I wouldn’t totally hate and a program that I could work long term. For those of you who are reading that are scratching their heads and wondering what the hell I am talking about…
Flexible Dieting (Or commonly known as If It Fits Your Macros) is simply the tracking of macronutrients (protein, carbohydrate and fat) to achieve a body composition goal. I am on what is considered a “Cut” or weight loss.
So I didn’t expect massive results over night. I set realistic goals. I just think my body hates me. If you look at my weight ins. I was 298 on Thursday… then we started going back up again and Monday morning woke up almost 307. I worked my ass off to get to the 300 I weighed in this morning. My body is just a freaking yo-yo anymore. I guess I should just count my non-scale victories this week. I went to see Bruce Springsteen on Sunday in Newark NJ and fit in the damn seat! BOOM! No anxiety. No stress.
I have check my body fat % to check my macros and when I started at the beginning of January, I was a little over 30% and today when I checked I was at 27 or so. So I guess that’s not bad. I am building muscle. I am still 15 pounds from my Operation 30 goal but I am not willing to cut my calories too much. I want this to last all summer, not be a quick fix or a gimmick. So I’ll take that little victory as well.
I have been writing about looking for a new job and about my interview a few weeks ago. I finally heard back from them on Friday afternoon and I was pretty much a thanks but no thanks. It really hit me hard. I had a hard time fighting the tears back all weekend. I just felt unwanted more than anything. I have been on a bunch of interviews, I think I have amazing people skills. I just need someone to give me a chance. It was such an empty and lonely place for me to go. I felt trapped in my own head. And I felt evil. What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want me? I have weaved in and out of that feeling ever since. I guess my birthday coming doesn’t make me feel much better.
Yup. I’ll be 45 years old come Monday. 45. Are we out of the woods yet? Have I saved myself yet? I am not sure what I expect and I feel bad that I’m just a prick. I can hear it in my voice. My movements. My heart breaks. I don’t want to be like this. The monsters are more than trees I guess.
So I joined Planet Fitness on Monday. I haven’t been there since but I think I am going program myself out to at least get 25-30 minutes of cardio everyday. Some light body movements and then whatever I add from Campos and OTF. I have to reignite the fat burning machine. I can’t seem to find work. So all I have is time. I might as well make it mine.
So come Monday raise a glass for me. I am in the best shape of my life. 45 years old. It’s time to start living.
Thanks for reading!