I feel stupid, but I know it won’t last for long
And I’ve been guessin’, and I coulda been guessin’ wrong
You don’t know me now, I kinda thought that you should somehow
Has that whole mad season got ya down? – MB20
There is a big feeling inside me today that I tried once or twice to get down and I just couldn’t do it. You can’t really say that you are going to recommit to things and then never really follow through. Well I guess that you can but it doesn’t really help you in the end.
Well for the last 10 days you wouldn’t really know it from my social media but I’ve been really depressed. It felt like as soon as I had something that I was getting really good at or things to look forward to that they were stripped right from under me. It’s a stupid feeling, I totally know that. Well I don’t think anyone that struggles with things or fights depression really has stupid feelings, I know they aren’t stupid but I also know better.
Things came into a better focus for me when we found out that Robin Williams died. Whatever I am going through in the grand scheme of things doesn’t really come close to the feelings that have you screaming from the ledge. I will get better. I will not quit. I will stumble. I will fall off the wagon because my sweet tooth sometimes will get the best of me but I am so much better even with a broken elbow then I was on NYE when this all started. So yeah, that next morning I walked for over 2 hours. And yes I sat down a few times to people watch because it’s one of my favorite things to do. But I had one hell of an awesome walk. And things started to come into a better focus.
I really am doing this.
So this is me trying to get better once again.
This is me unplugged.
This is me with battle wounds and duct taped limbs.
This is me trying.
So I guess you are wondering where I stand.
Well I don’t stand alone. I am never alone. My family and close friends are always there to kick my ass. My gym family was out to see the band and show me love in full force this past Friday night. They know my goals and they won’t let me quit. Not at all. I won’t let me quit.
The elbow has just thrown me into a little spiral. I can’t let it get to me.
Last week I was was 339.1 and was really upset about it. This week I was down the shore. Slurged. Drank. Ate. Walked. Stayed active and today was 335.9 so at least I didn’t gain weight. I lost it. 3.2 pounds. I am not back to 75 total pounds lost and I am okay with it. GOD I want to lose these 25 pounds that are left to get to goal #1. My next goal will take us to even bigger and better places.
I was summoned to boot camp today and I went. I missed everyone. I was glad I went.
Doctors on the 21st. Head up! Happier Days!
Here are some photos from this past week.