I have to be honest with you. I am a fucking nut job. Who else would do this to himself for the last 18 months? And then sit here and grovel and feel sorry for himself. My head is spinning. It has been spinning for a few weeks now. The voices in my head won’t stop talking. Ear plugs and headphones only make them scream louder.
It’s very easy to start looking for the magic pill when things go wrong. And trust me if it exists I would have known about it. Nothing that you can try or buy, is without a consequence. Most of the time your body will retaliate and you’ll gain the weight back. It will come back with a vengeance. Laughing at you. You thought you had escaped it but there it is.
But you keep looking – It’s a lot harder to look inside yourself.
Holding yourself accountable is always the hardest thing to to do. It’s not my fault. It’s stress, it’s my water pill, it’s this or that…. But the truth is that it will always come down to the same few questions.
And I really working out as hard as I can?
Am I really eating what I should be eating?
Am I eating at the right times?
Am I eating too late at night?
Am I fucking this up?
I had gained a few pounds going into Labor Day weekend. I honestly could not bring myself to write to you. The last few weeks have been filled with lots of miles, drinks, bags of chips and candy bars. What I used to lean on for quick bursts of energy. My old tricks I guess. Instead of buckling down I just rode it to a 7 pounds gain since the last time I wrote to you and in the end 305.6. I know the worst of it is my late night eating. I can’t seem to help myself. I think I am addicted to bread and butter before I go to sleep. This week it’s been bologna and bread or butter and bread or both. I watch myself ALL DAY LONG and then when everyone goes to sleep I go bat shit crazy. It has nothing to do with everyone going to bed either since I am a big boy and have always done what I wanted anyway. But I need to get control over myself. I had SOOOO much more control over myself when I started this. And you would think I would have this on lock by now but it’s actually harder.
It’s been 612 days since I started this journey.
It will be 118 days until I hit my 2 years.
I am no where near where I wanted to be.
I have 118 days to hit my next goal. I have 118 to make things count. I have 118 days to give a big FUCK YOU to the voices in my head.
I am not really sure what to do. Or in the end how to do it! But I can’t give up on myself. I am too damn close.
But here is the kicker and I have written about it before. There is no end game. This is a lifetime commitment. I have finally gotten into size 42 pants and want them 40’s BADLY! I don’t want to ever go in the other direction at a store again. NO WAY! So it’s time to get the journey rolling the right away again. I can’t have it any other way. I wanna get better.
My work outs at Doc’s have sucked. I think the weights are a little heavy and I start cutting corners. I’ve just felt very blah and have a hard time manning up to do anything. For 48 hours I’ve been cuddling with G. He won’t let me sleep but I’ve been trying.
The summer ended. My shows were fantastic. I have a solo show tonight. It’s a big deal since I pretty much suck at the guitar. I hope someone comes to see me though. They should. It is raining though.
So here is the deal with me for now. I am going to man up. Take care of business and stop feeling sorry for myself. Which is exactly what Franco who got to go up in a helicopter would tell you. Listen to that Franco. Not me.
Thanks for checking in. Here are some happy photos from the past two weeks.
Keeping the faith –