As I was eating my eggs last night ……. I was thinking about how much time I spend thinking about keto…. working keto…. thinking about what I am going to put in my mouth…. reading chats and reddit…. watching videos….. scrolling hacks on IG. And how much everyone else around me has it easy – they do what they want, eat what they want, whatever. Eat less for three days and then give themselves a 3 day pass to enjoy their “well deserved” break. Made me so angry. UGH.
I have never been handed the easy way.
Amber asked me a few nights ago if I could be happy at my current size and weight. What if I just figured out what the calories in and out were to maintain my current place? I have been thinking about it and my answer didn’t change from what I told her that night in the kitchen. NO. I can’t. Because I want to fuck science in the skull (go ahead and laugh I’l wait for a minute)…….. I don’t want to go to the doctors or Urgent care for an ear infection and get a print out that I am morbidly obese. I am just obese now and ya know… I’d love to just be overweight. I’d love to see 20 more pounds or so come off and then maintain it for a year. then I would feel good. (Probably still wouldn’t be happy cause you know i am me).
Every night that I go to sleep there’s another day that I survived and I used to be afraid that I wouldn’t live to see old age…. people can make jokes about my age all they want… I’m not afraid of getting older, I am one less day from dying young. I’ll take it as a win.
Since the new year in Brandon’s wedding I’ve been pretty much spinning around and a 5 to 8 pound cycle, I hit 256 and then wake up 262 over and over again.
No matter what I tweak, how hard I work out, or what I put in my mouth it’s been this 8 pound cycle. So I stumbled upon hey YouTube channel of a guy who does intermittent fasting and Keto and he uses and egg fast to lose rapid weight as well as to break through plateaus. It also house with body re-composition. So of course, like a jackass I decided to give it a go. That’s a big reason you are reading this today cause I wanted to be on day 3 to talk about it and yes, I am only doing 3 days of it to just give myself a boost and see I can move the scale. I can’t wait for it to be over tomorrow am.
The fact of the matter is that ironically it’s really not having its effects on me short-term. My body is still going up and down daily. So I really think after seeing a few photos this morning that I took at the gym that my body is totally going through a body re-composition. And in the end that is okay. I’m very happy with how my upper body looks. Not so happy when I sit down on the bed and look in the mirror and see my Jabba the Hutt lower half. But those are my battle scars.
It’s amazing that I had don’t have a lot to say today. And I am okay with that.
They say it’s okay to be vulnerable, my parents always wanted me to let my feelings out there, as you get older I think that you’re sharing your scars more than anything. And you can show those who are close to your scars but the problem is as you get older that everyone is covered in scars. And that’s just life.
I am okay. I am happy, a little stressed out, but happy.
I was looking forward to having Saturday night off from the band even though we have had way too much time off. The one night that I actually could do something and see a band I really really really really really wanted to see before the stadium series hockey game, we ended up picking up a last minute show.
That’s okay. I get to go to Wildwood for the night, I get to suck as much salt air as I possibly can into my lungs to get me through another month or two.
I hope everyone is crushing their goals. We’re a little over six weeks into the new year. Don’t give up on yourself. I’m not.