My two favorite songs right now are bookends. The first and last songs on the album. They both talk about summer ending in two different ways. If you’ve been reading this for a while now you know how much the summer means to me both beginning and end.
Bruce always sings about Mary. And then some songs like the river, Mary is a made up name for his sister. And most of the time he has said that it’s just a generic name. Fits in a lot of songs. And it could be anyone to anyone. Mary is usually on all the albums. Somewhere hiding. It looks like she was too busy for this album. I crack myself up. This album is Mary free. Not sure if I love that or if I’m sad about it. Mary is like oranges in the Godfather. They are everywhere. You would think degos love oranges or something. Hmmmm
Me, myself and I do not see Eye 2 Eye most times.
I wonder when I love myself the right way will be enough.
It takes time I guess. I am getting old though so maybe I should figure it out sooner than later. Before it’s too late.,
I guess you could also celebrate “I like me”. I like me but Who knows. Is that cool? Is that enough?
No one should Ever feel that they aren’t good enough. That they are second best, and are a priority in their inner circles lives.
Have you ever texted or called someone and they haven’t written you back yet but they have liked 15 pictures on IG – posted two stories and a post about their cat? You my friend are not a priority no matter how you slice it. I’m that friend a lot I think.
You hang around people and their phone never leaves their hand until you actually reach out or are waiting for them to reach out to you. I think my nieces are the worst. Being ignored, being invisible, is the worst.
I would like to tell you that all you need is me, myself and I. You can be your #1 cheerleader. You can, you will, BUT…. You can but it’s not true. I think people need people. I know I do. My stepson Brandon, he was built for this pandemic. Me not so much. I already worked from home most days but not the isolation seems to get to me. And for a week or two after the summer I thought I’d just walk, stay active and keep moving but I felt like I was over doing it.
I think I have been overdoing it. This weeks weight pretty much stayed the same and I have been going up and down around this months numbers every other day. Walking. Peloton. Gym. Keep moving. Possibly. Rest. Unplug. Disappear.
Last night at the gym, my old coach and friend brought up my legs and surgery again. I had been beaten up and rejected enough by the insurance company that I had pushed it out of my mind. And then of course I couldn’t sleep cause it was all I was thinking about. I guess when I lose another 40 pounds I will start to look into it again. I’ll be old as fuck by then but whatever. It’s only money right.
Why live with something that you hate? Wonder if he cause erase my butt too. Then I can be a total Instagram influencer. LOL. Da Fuq. I don’t know. I’m old. I shouldn’t be worrying about the shit at this point.
Tomorrow night the band gets back on stage after two months. It’s been over seven months since we played in Pennsylvania. Not sure what to expect. Not sure what I feel. I think at this point it’s safe to say I am going to post this, go to target and get a few things I need like sugar-free ketchup LOL. Hit the state store. Come home shower and get under blankets for a cold miserable night.
I wasn’t going to post anything this week because I was bummed out that the scale didn’t cooperate as much as I wanted to but it’s about the accountability right.
It’s OK to not be OK. Took me a long time that much I realize. Sometimes you just have to sit in silence.
I really didn’t know what to expect from summer 2020. I knew I was going into it almost 40 pounds heavier than the summer before. The summer before I was at my all time low on Father’s Day. I was scared about bathing suits fitting, shorts, you name it. And in the end I got by without really buying anything new. There is a shock for everyone. The summer started with lots of friends running amok across Wildwood on memorial day weekend for the first time in a very long time. No-shows.
Hanging out at one of my favorite places in Wildwood and talking to everyone. in early July New Jersey decided to open outdoor dining, and loosen outdoor gatherings to an extent. And the owner of my favorite bar asked if I’d play a duo.
This led to many more shows till the end of September and also help me make some awesome new friends. Everyone was working so hard changing with the state regulations and doing their best to ensure safety, as well as adding a little fun for people who were so starved for it that they were coming down the shore because it was the closest thing to a normal you were going to find .
I spent a lot of time on my friends boat. I even fished. I saw dolphins, almost caught a massive shark, and also saw my first real sea turtle. That fucker was big.
Financially I did the best I could and diet wise well we all know how that rolls. Fucking whiskey. But as I went into September and realized that the summer was going to die shortly. I did start reeling myself in.
Today is actually the last day of the month, well I won’t post this tomorrow I figured I’d get a jumpstart, and I’m walking in the park using my dictation program. So yes this might be longer than usual LOL.
So in the end, the summer wasn’t about getting super skinny, it was about adaptation. It was about being able to change and letting the things we can’t control not impact our daily lives. It was about learning what really makes me happy. Not sure I have that locked in yet, but I did get to spend time with a lot of friends as family. I was able to make time for old friends, and I made some new ones too.
I got to spend time with my family, on the beach, on the water, and made the most out of everyone’s happy place. I realize the extent that my friends would go through for me as well. So many taking trips to the shore, just to hear a little bit of music.
Although this was not the summer I had planned for the band on paper, which let me tell you was the best fucking summer that we would have ever had. It definitely was not the worst. It really helped me see what I missed, who I missed, and how it all relates to my life, happiness, and sometimes even general well-being. It’s nice to grind and see some financial stability out of it. It’s nice to get on stage and get all those demons out that need to be screamed into a microphone some days. It’s also really nice to not have anywhere to go sometimes. That’s where I am this weekend for the first time. Almost zero plans.
I honestly thought that I wouldn’t have many places to go all summer but here I was driving to the shore every weekend of September to sing too! Biker weekend, Firemans weekend, Irish weekend, you name it, I was there . Don’t get me wrong, singing is very high up there on my favorite things to do. I don’t care if it’s with the band, with the radio, or with the karaoke track. I love to sing. But I said the summer would be over for me on September 26 and it was. And let me tell you. I was dressed as a fucking leprechaun and still had the time of my life bringing it to a close.
But today is going to be October 1 when you read this, and I think it’s time for me to become a basic bitch, wear hoodies, drink my coffee, I know I don’t like anything pumpkin., And trying to get the most out of the fall weather. Although our air conditioning is still pumping at the house.
I have one more trip to the shore next week for business, and actually it’s condo business LOL. But then I think it’s going to be time to open the speakeasy. I do have 4 Bigg Romeo 7gigs with everyone over the next month. But it’s about time for that too. We will see how people react to weddings, and the band, and a pandemic environment. It will also be time for me to start really looking at what I personally want to do next summer, and also with the band.
2021 should be a good year for everyone since all our 2020 weddings were pushed into that year for the most part. Add a few more in there and boom we will be plenty busy.
Do I want to wake up when September ends? I don’t know. I am on the last day of September now walking through Neshaminy State Park talking into my earpiece like a maniac. I woke up on Monday and I was at my goal. Even after a boys weekend. Rock the fuck on right? Nope. Woke up the next day 3 pounds heavier and then the next day same weight. Today is the last day I have to hit my goal and stay there. So here I am doing what I can do. Part of me thinks the last few days I’ve just done too much. I am ready for my swoosh. I know that it’s coming. I’ve been down this path many times.
I know a lot of you guys reading, kept telling yourself I will wait till the end of the summer., Will guess what. Summer is definitely over. It’s time. We all know that while I will set some goals for the year, They are usually more of a vision board then they are New Year’s resolutions. I would like to knock out as many of those in 2020, and just salvage the shit year. I don’t think it’s been all bad. I just don’t like change. And we have all had to change and adapt like maniacs.
But I can talk about my September goals in case you don’t want to go back and read them. I was going to ride my bike at least three times a week. Check. I was going to try and add a little bit of walking to my schedule. 2 miles a day at least 3 to 4 times a week. Check. I was going to go to the gym for five days a week. Check. Not bad for an old man huh?
And as of October 1 which it is right this second. I hit my goals for September. I lost 10 pounds. Bike. Walk. Gym. A gallon of water most days when it was possible and I was not in the car obviously a lot LOL. But I did it.
So what am I going to do in October? Try for another 10 pounds because on Halloween I have to make sure tuxedo fits. And not to spoil anyone suspense, my smallest tux pants actually fit, A little snug. I won’t be shaking my body down to the ground yet, but they fit. So the object is to just keep moving forward this month.
In case anyone is doing any kind of math it’s 2 pounds a week safely. Nothing crazy but it’s not pouring off me like it did a few years ago…. so I have to stay focused and keep pushing forward.
Thank you as always for following along. I am always here if you need a cheerleader!
Till next week!
Fuck all this walking. How do people really enjoy this let alone if I was actually running. It’s amazing all the things that go through your mind when you’re walking. The music could be blaring, you can be surrounded by people, nature, and it doesn’t really matter. You are alone. You can overthink things. Anxious. Panic. Keep walking. Faster. It can roll a cloud around you. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a dark cloud. But it’s a cloud nonetheless. I have been anxious, and overwhelmed, and even underwhelmed all week.
I think I overdid it on my walk a few days ago which is why I took a day off this week. Too much fucking thinking. Is that a thing? Now I’m walking as I dictate this into my phone. I am back to get 2 miles under my legs. I am just taking it easy today. A few days I kept trying to make sure I got under a 20 minute mile, mostly because it meant that I wouldn’t be wasting time on my phone or texting or looking at social media. Just walk asshole.
I probably really should watch where I’m walking. But we know that I don’t do anything the easy way so why do that as well. Have I mentioned that it’s creepy even walking through the woods here at the park sometimes. I feel like Jason Voorhees is going to come out of somewhere and kill me. Meanwhile I’m not sure there’s ever been any incidences hear of anything. But, what the fuck do I know.
I miss being a kid. I think it’s hard to make friends at any age anymore. Social media has totally fucked up friendships. You are a kid, and television shows and music and things like that made you think that your friends were going to be friends forever. What you said was really what you mean. Now we have vague booking, 17 different avenues to be angry at each other and it gets to be too much I guess. We were lied to.
Friends are not always friends forever. I am trying really hard to think back at my oldest friends and none of them are from my youth or at this point even high school. Yes, I have those acquaintances, but they aren’t coming over to hang out by the pool, they are not even coming to see the band at this point. Have I met a few good ones in my older age, absolutely. Definitely not an easy thing to do and somehow I have accomplished it.
Have you ever just thought it would be easier to just disappear. Would the weight of the world be off your shoulders? Would you just make it harder for others? I am not talking about suicide so don’t get your panties in a bunch, I’m talking about physically disappearing. We’ve all seen that movie haven’t we?
I am not disappearing. Have you seen me in person? Where the fuck am I going to disappear? I think sometimes it’s just all gets to me.
I am a lot of things, invisible will never be one of them. But see, these are the things that go through your head when you take long walks in the park by yourself. 2 miles might not be a lot to anyone reading this. But to these tree trunks that I carry around, plus everything else that I do, holy fuck. 2 miles seems to be my sweet spot so far.
I AM going to disappear a little bit. Let me explain. My Snapchat, not that I have too many friends on there but it will be coming down at some point over the next few weeks. I am getting rid of everything @egophilly. It’s time. I really miss taking pictures, but really struggle with making ends meet that way and will probably sell most of my stuff except a small kit. Just enough to do some pictures for friends when the time comes and if needed. Kids by ego on Facebook has already come down and so has the ego studios page. Once I can assure that I don’t have anything set up with the email accounts to the two websites those won’t get paid for again either. If I have the same luck as I’ve had in the past of letting go of websites they will probably become some Japanese porn sites like Big Romeo with 1G was at one point. I had to buy that motherfucker off.
I know you’re probably scratching your head at this point hear me out. Instagram will continue to be my weight loss journey, with a little bit of my life sprinkled in there as well. Unfortunately Twitter will stay the same, because too many of my coworkers are on there and I share work stuff there as well. Facebook well slowly just become a way to share some family stuff, of course princess Luna Lovegood and Giuseppe, and my musical stuff. See – there is a home for all the little pieces of me. I guess there is some pressure involved with putting myself out there. It’s not a bad thing because I know that I’ve helped a lot of people, but sometimes I actually need the push and have nowhere else to turn to.
I am out there. I am not afraid. I am disappeared.
So now that I’ve babbled enough, and given you plenty to read while you sit on the toilet and wonder if you just should’ve stopped reading this three minutes ago I will tell you where I am with my weight loss journey.
As usual things are not progressing as fast as I would like. We all know it comes on a lot easier than it is to takeoff. I wish everything we did was as easy as getting fat. But I have three weddings at the end of October and I have to get into tuxedos that I have not worn since last fall. Something has to give.
I have definitely curbed my alcohol intake since Labor Day. Now don’t get me wrong, I will tell you I was absolutely shitfaced a few weeks ago. So many things going on and a crazy Friday night to boot. UGH! I don’t like being drunk.
I am many people drunk. I am brutally honest, Franco. I am carry my heart on my sleeve, Franco. I am angry, say mean shit Franco and sometimes a mix of everything. The boss will just tell you that I’m super lovey. I think there’s more to that. I know that while you’re trying to lose weight, your body has to break down the alcohol before it will go back to breaking down the fat. I also know that a 1.5 ounce shot of Jack Daniels is 104 cal. If you don’t eat anything all day, you only get to drink eight of those across an entire day to be under 2000 cal. I don’t want to be drunk anymore, I am definitely going to have to start going back to my very curved drinking that I did when I started this whole journey.
I know this pandemic has sucked for everybody. I am not the only one out here trying to get by. When we first started, we would make jokes across my company on what time happy hour started. They were having all kinds of organized happy hours so that people can actually socialize a little bit. And then it all just kind of stopped. Maybe because the happy hours got earlier and earlier, I don’t know, I’m sure my West Coast family love them a lot. I just don’t want to be that person that NEEDS that bottle, right now I am not. But sometimes I think those things can easily get out of control. Kind of the same way when I have a procedure, or a root canal, I never fill the pain prescription. I am OK with Tylenol and just feeling what I feel.
Why did Franco just write a whole paragraph that sounds he’s going into recovery? Don’t worry I’m not. But I did come home from the shore on Saturday after my show because I did not want to stay down there and drink any more of the calories that I worked my ass off to take off all week long. Some people may call that moderation. Those are skinny people. They drink a bottle of wine, eat a few pieces of cheese and call it moderation. Trust me. I know stuff.
But I have been walking, almost every day. I have con’d some of my friends into walking with me. This past weekend at the shore we went to get lunch on Saturday, and I made sure we walked a mile and a half to eat it and then a mile and a half back to my condo. I earned those three chicken fingers and couple of sweet potato french fries. (Back off keto Police, I logged at all)
Your moderation will never work for me. My moderation will never work for you. I think I will be at my goal for the month of September by the first. My body has been stuck at 8 pounds lost for this month for quite a few days now and I have been throwing everything that I possibly can at it. I’m not starving myself. I am at 1600 to 1700 cal diet. A good deal away from the Dr. Now diet that a part of me wants to try, only because I want to see if I could stick out 30 days. A 1200 cal high protein low carb diet like he gives the people on my 600 pound life. I find myself screaming at the television when the show is on, and I’ve always wanted to just try to walk a mile in their shoes with their diet. Honestly maybe in October, I have to do that. I am crazy enough.
But here I am, getting ready to go into Wildwood for a boys weekend, in my head already playing out a do this and not that scenario and having one last hurrah for summer 2020. And if you’ve been following me long enough you know that I usually recap everything. And I have been holding off. So maybe next week. I did record a short song that I wanted to put some pictures to of all my friends from this past summer who braved the pandemic to hang out with me. I hope to get to that after this weekend. There are a few more people at Castaways that I want to make sure I thank and include for being so awesome this past summer.
My grandma passed away 12 years ago today and not a day goes by I don’t miss her.
This is me trying. Over and over and over again. Is it enough? I don’t have the answer to that. But I will tell you that I make zero apologies for who I am. If I let you into my inner circle, then I would walk through fire for you, that is how I was raised, that was how I was brought up, I am always going to have feelings, I am always going to throw out the feels, and that is how my mom and grandma showed me how to love. That’s going to be lost in the generation behind me and if you knew anything about it you’re going to miss it.
I’m going to head to the shore today, play one last show, breath in so much goddamn salt air that it fills my lungs for days, and then I’m going to come home and start over.
There are six days left in the month, two of them I will be at the shore. There are 98 days left in 2020. There are 136 days until my birthday. I can do anything for that long right?
I guess only time will tell.
Some takeaways this week:
- Mean what you say.
- Keep moving forward
- Never apologize for who you are.
- Mute your fucking microphone.
- Don’t get drunk before condo association meetings.
- I’ve been registered to vote since I was 18, I am not a fucking heathen.
- Chris Stapleton’s voice is amazing. Fight me!
I will check back with you on October 1.
In the meantime a few songs played over and over again while I wrote this. You can find them below.
Hope is not cancelled!
I am sorry that it’s been a little bit since I decided to buckle down. I have buckled down. But last week was world suicide prevention week and a lot of my posts and thoughts were wrapped up in mental health and I did not want to over post weight loss stuff. It was not about me, it was about using my voice to make sure those around me who are paying any lick of attention to me knew that they were not alone.
It’s always a hard week for me for many reasons. Some of the stories are not mine to tell but are the reasons why not only do I have a semicolon on my wrist but one of my favorite tattoos that is always in plain sight says “stay alive”. This year the passing of Kelly’s dad and watching her and her siblings deal with the aftermath made this one a little harder for me. They did set up a very awesome website that if you care to look I will link here. I did have quite a few friends check in on me because of my posts and I think my favorite thing was asking them how they were doing, and making it about them.
In the middle of all the hubbub, Bruce Springsteen released information about a new album coming out next month as well as the first song. It could not have come at a better time for me. And I have listened to it over 100 times at least. For someone that basically has a masters in English, is a music theater nerd, and actually listens to lyrics, there is just something about the song. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love Springsteen. I love Springsteen the lyricist, the writer, and the boy from New Jersey. I am not sure if anyone has seen it or if I’ve ever posted it but to the left is my “born to run” tattoo. Anyway back to letters, When was the last time someone wrote you a letter? I know I am old. I know my high school and college girlfriends have shoeboxes full of letters that I wrote. My friends back then probably do as well. Full of hopes, love, dreams, and everything in between. They probably had mixtapes shoved inside the envelopes as well. Both are two arts that no longer exist. You text somebody a heart emoji, you send them a link to a video on YouTube. That’s romantic. NOT. Doesn’t have to be a love letter. Just a letter. Handwritten. Looseleaf. Does looseleaf still exist? A lost art. A lost hope. And no, a note on your notepad on your phone doesn’t count because you can delete that. It vanishes.
Got down on my knees
Grabbed my pen and bowed my head
Tried to summon all that my heart finds true
And send it in my letter to you
Seems like I have a lot to say, I really want to talk about my summer. But I’m just not ready to let it go yet. So let me talk quickly about what is going on with me Journey wise. As of today the magic number is 42. That is not the final landing zone that is just where I think I can safely be. The final landing zone would be closer to 50. We will shoot towards that but still be happy around 42 LOL. Down about 6 1/2 pounds since September 1. Keep in mind that included Labor Day weekend which was crazy for me and last weekend which I’m pretty sure I lost my mind on Friday. I have curbed my drinking, although I do love my whiskey. Just like anyone else bad decisions are made. I keep telling you that I have lost my mind this summer. I started to amp up my cardio, which, I have added walking a little bit to the Peloton. My wife asked me yesterday why I was going to go walk alone. I have so many webinars and things to listen to for work that I might as well keep busy while doing it rather than sitting at my desk. So I walked 2 miles through the park yesterday. Little creepy when you’re walking through the woods alone but I was in Bensalem and it’s absolutely beautiful. Bucks County is absolutely beautiful. I actually love where I live. I think the 23 minute mile that I walked was mostly because I kept stopping to take pictures which I want to every time. I definitely need better shoes. I have been getting to the gym. And above all I am watching what I eat and drink. I am drinking a gallon of water a day. I’m peeing 2 gallons of water a day. I am back into Keto mode. I am in Ketosis and realized that Jack Daniels is 104 calories per 1 1/2 ounces. FUCK! I use at least 3 oz per drink. Opps!
I’m actually proud of myself for not spiraling into bad habits over the last two weeks with a lot of stuff on my mind and then princess Luna ended up in emergency room on Monday night into Tuesday night. Apparently she suffers from stress and anxiety just like me. She wasn’t eating, throwing up. What a mess. But she’s home safe with us now and keeping watch over the house. No more trips to the shore for her in the near future.
When I started this journey for the first three months all I did was walk in the morning and watch my calories. I must have listened to “I want to get better” by Bleachers over 3000 times. So much so that that is also tattooed on my arm. I think walking and working out my legs is important to my journey since so much of my weight and mess is down there. So I am going to focus on that as much as possible over the next few weeks.
Two more shows with Crabby at the beach. Then I guess I’ll say goodbye to the summer. I have three weddings at the end of October into November. Got to get back into my tuxedo’s.
I have my eye on a prize… Nashvegas as my goal, friends in tow and rowdiness to prevail…. Winter/Spring 2021 when this mess calms down cause I am not going anywhere until we can be 90% normal again.
In my letter to you….. I hope you will be okay. I hope that you are hopeful. I hope you are happy.
Till we meet again.