And instead of wishing that it would get better
Man you’re seeing that you just get angrier – Matchbox 20
On Monday I weighed myself. Same. No loss/no gain. I took my God Daughter to the light show and dinner. Ate. Drank a little. Felt human. Felt normal.
On Tuesday I woke up to walk an get moving. My afternoon appointment cancelled and then a flood of anger hit me that hasn’t quite went away yet and it’s Friday morning. I am snapping. I am short tempered. I finished my Meds two days ago so it’s not that. I have flipped on everyone around. Even flipped on the band Wednesday night at practice. I know I am stressed and putting a lot of pressure on myself. I can’t stop licking my teeth and my mouth is all out of whack. But in the end I just feel this immense anger. And ironically it’s not really aimed at anyone.
I am not mad at anyone. I am annoyed with the studio. This is the slowest year at the holidays since I got the studio. Now I know everyone is a photographer these days. I get it. But it’s scary. I have a lot invested in it and it would break my heart to just close it down. But if something doesn’t turn around soon. I can’t take the rent money out of my personal bank account that is at a 10 year low right now. I don’t know what to do. Not to mention, bootcamp, training.. Protein.. Quest Bars… Aren’t cheap.
This should be my best holiday season in a long time but no matter what the outside looks like the inside can still be Ugly. It’s that simple. And I know that I have have to repair the inside. I love. I love hard. I push people away. I push them away hard.
I look and feel good. I look and feel better. My feet hurt this week and they haven’t in a long time but I threw the sneakers that my feet didn’t like in the trash and started over. Having a size 14 show isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either. Most stores aren’t going over 13 anymore. I really like the Roche Run’s by Nike. I went looking like crazy a few days ago and nothing. Ordered 2 pair online, the pair I really wanted was cancelled. WTF? I can’t win.
I am not going to tell you what I am going to do this upcoming week because I don’t now. What I do know is that I wanted to have hit my goal already. That although no matter what you are going to tell me that I lost 90 so far and should be happy. I didn’t promise myself that I was going to lose 100 by Jan 6, 2015. I promised myself 100lbs. And that’s just not me. I’ve given up on so many things that this isn’t something I am willing to lie down that easy on. I deserve this. I deserve better. I work hard. People might not think it. I am on stage. In a bar. What kinda job is that? I’ll trade with anyone right now to have a little more stability, adult conversations and maybe a friend or two.
I should be happier. The mall I started walking in almost a year ago had nothing that would fit me, or nothing for me to buy then. That’s not the case now.
3 weeks. Same weight. Today. The same. 9 pounds from goal. Christmas coming. Maintaining. Need to crank it up. Try things. Get back to water and my Lose It app. Just seem unmotivated no matter how bad I want to hit my goals.
So I promised you that I’d be honest when I started this. To write it like it is. And there it is. Like Rocky says… the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. I can’t always be happy, go lucky, smiling Franco.