I have been living in my own head for a few weeks. No one needs to go in there. Pretty sure it’s covered in cobwebs and spiders. There are big scary spiders in there. But I want to say it’s OK. It’s OK to have feelings. It’s OK to doubt. Scary. I let myself down so much in the past that it’s the scariest thing to me anymore. Maybe it’s the one thing I am scared of the most. But I built this journey on hope. I have embraced that we will be the hopeful. And trying on my tux pants that I bought in May that wouldn’t fit a few weeks ago…. MOTHER FUCKER! BOOM! I have been in a darker places. It’s not just pants. I think it’s just the cold, getting dark earlier. And I think there is a phenomenon that happens with a lot of us at this time of year. UGH!
The holidays are coming, will I buy the right things? Will I get the right presents? Will everyone be happy? Are they perfect? Ugh. Hours combing Amazon. Eck!
On one hand I have the opportunity to spend weekends with great friends and let myself have fun, and on the other hand I want to isolate myself and not worry about temptation and getting on the scale Monday 5 to 10 pounds heavier because I drank too much or had no self control. Trying to find a balance between both sometimes, it gets difficult. It’s fucking hard.
On January 6th this journey that I’ve been on, will mark it’s 6th year. At this point watching what I eat, going to the gym, following some kind of program should be common place for me. I have gone from a 5X T-shirt to a large, and size 58 jeans to 32/34/36s lol depending on where I get them. Why can’t I let myself chill out a little? I have one more goal to get to. It’s 30 pounds away. I have realize that the chance of it coming before January 6 are slim to none. It would not be healthy for me to lose that much weight before that. But I will chase these 30 pounds and I will do my best to stay the course. I actually might have to reverse diet again and stay at maintenance for a few weeks in the new year.
Darker…. but every day I am logging what I eat, and I have been on the Peloton for at least 20 Minutes to an hour every day this month. I’m hoping that sooner or later by eating well, and putting myself in a calorie deficit, that things will swoosh off. But some days it gets harder and harder to breathe. The voices in my head just tell me to go to Wawa and fuck it. Skinny Franco isn’t necessarily happy Franco.
The year end is stressful. When you have two jobs – it’s easy to have one going really well and the other not. You hope that they run parallel and that at least one of them is making you happy enough that they balance out. Well right now I’m doing my best to just hold it all together.
Unfortunately, I am having to take over the role of booking the band entirely and our schedule was blank for 2020. I’m not really good at waiting for people. I have key clubs that I want the band to play at and it seems like I’m waiting for all of them to decide where we fit into their puzzle. Honestly, where they fit in for us we may not fit in for them in the pecking order. Trying to make the best decisions for eight people is stressful in itself. It was not a cross that I wanted to carry, but if I don’t the band will crumble. And it’s not easy to play live music anymore ion my area. Less and less places are doing it and no one wants to pay you anymore.
Right now it looks like I’ll be off most of January. That is OK. We will take the month to regroup. Hopefully after a bumpy transition things will just get better. I have been focusing on late February and beyond.
In my day job, it seems like my boss is getting stripped of anyone who reports to him. Part of me wonders why and the other part of me knows. At the same time, I am getting a new boss or two, being moved to a new team, and as of yesterday being asked to take some Microsoft licensing exams to become the company specialist. Oh and can you do that before the end of the year LOL. I should be thankful that they just aren’t going to let me go. But I can only do the best I can. It’s like I am getting a new title, more responsibility, answering to someone else, but at the same time doing my old job and getting a new job.
No raise, no Perks, just more work. I guess that’s how the world works anymore. But I love where I work so I will figure it out.
It’s hard not to beat yourself up. But there are darker places than this.
I have many things to celebrate. And I have to try my best to remember that.
Tomorrow mini me, gets sworn in as a local police officer. A road that we have been on for many years, and finally other than worry for his safety – that will never leave us, child number two will be in a good place for a future. Both boys will be fine. If that isn’t a reason to raise a glass I don’t know what it is. I promised my grandma that no matter what I’d take care of these boys and I kept my promise.
My wife’s relationship with her new found brother is probably the best thing to happen in her father’s passing the summer, as their friendship continues to grow and we will be going to Arizona for a long weekend to start off the new year so they can meet face to face for the first time. Family and the Philadelphia Flyers in a new place for us. Other than the six hour plane ride I can’t wait.
In March we are supposed to go away to an island with a bunch of friends and October will find our return to Halloween horror nights with friends as well. Maybe even a day at Disney to see Star Wars.
If you sandwich in a cool summer at the shore – 2020 does not look like a bad year. I have to be honest with you that I don’t care if my bank account runs low in 2020 I am going to go on his many trips as I can get away with because 2021 will find me turning 50 years old. I’m not waiting till next year ever again. No regrets.
We will be the hopeful.
Although there are darker places than this. If you can sort it out in your head, you can see that in reality it’s raining light through the open sky. You are covered in it. Sometimes it’s easier to find a reason to get up and out of bed than others. That is okay. It’s okay to not be okay.
It’s funny. I made fun of the Peloton bike so badly but it is a pretty cool thing. There are so many classes and things to do the beyond the bike itself. Almost every night I get into bed, put my AirPods on, and listen to a sleep meditation. It really helps me focus, it’s almost like telling the voices in my head to shut the fuck up, because we are going to rest now. And so far it works. Definitely worth it. I have gone almost 300 miles since the beginning of the month. I have not seen a massive weight loss because of it, but I can feel my legs getting stronger and stronger. Pretty soon I’m going to be quadzilla!
Look good. Feel good. Do better, In any order.
Be obsessed or be average. I rather be obsessed because there is enough basic in the world.
I don’t know if I’ll write much next week. So just in case let me wish you a fantastic Thanksgiving. I hope you’re surrounded with love, light, hope and above all gratitude. I know that I am grateful to still be here writing this gibberish for you, having it matter – Even if it helps one person realize that they are not alone. We fight together.
I miss my grandma most on Thanksgiving. We’d always go to Burger King in the morning cause she knew I didn’t like much of the stuff my mom made back then.
This year we’ll toast Pro, Kelly and Brett on their new accomplishments, and be grateful for each other.
Thank you for being here, there is always room at my table. You are not alone.
Feel the love,