Soo it’s been a few weeks since I gave my 3 year recap. My weight really hasn’t changed and I am full of stress and erratic sleep. My workouts are so/so and im just a big blob of blah….. I seem to hold on writing because I want to have something good to tell everyone an try to stay positive and it just never fails. I haven’t been able to catch a break I guess.
Last week I went to a company in Chester on a job interview. Suited up. Looking sharp. You know I wanted the job because I took my earrings out. I NEVER do that. I was nervous. I just need someone to give me a chance. It’s been 10 days and nothing. I wrote the HR girl a thank you later that night, she responded that she’d be in touch, and haven’t heard back although I sent another note this morning. My friend Amy who gve me the lead has been silent as well so I guess it’s just a matter of time I get the thank you but no thank you. And while driving to Chester everyday would be trying to say the least with 95 sucking, it would get me fully back in the game.
I need a challenge. I need a change.
And the hits keep on coming too.
So I a not sure that I wrote about this anywhere so if I did forgive me, I’ll be breif. I fought the insurance company for a year and after 3 appeals they approved 1 leg. The most fucked up, ass backwards approval ever. They said that my right leg is worse then my left so they aproved one. My doctor won’t do just one. So AETNA has to know that and since the other one would cost me about four grand to have done, I guess they figured I would back down… and I almost did at that point… I went back to the dotor I was usuing and he seemed to think it would not be a problem now to talk AETNA and get a better solution after we talked more about ain etc. WRONG. Once he passed me over to his staff they basically put it back in my court to talk to AETNA. So I decide to make an appointment somewhere else. Surely… going there with these approvals and this information would help a doctor who not only wanted to make a buck but help me feel better and make even more pain free progress, fight AETNA for me…. WRONG.
This doctor put me in a gown, lifted my legs and thighs a little and told me to sit down. Basically told me to lose another 60 pounds and then come back. That while he was happy I lost 90 pounds and GO FRANCO! GOOD FOR YOU! He did not want to do my surgery. He said my BMI was too high and that I probably wouldn’t like the work when it was done but HEY come back if I can lose 60 pounds and we’ll see where we are.
So now what? Yes. I am in a funk. Yes. I am overwhelmed.
But I do need to rally. I do need to get angry really and push forward. It’s not so much about the operation itself.. It’s about being told no. It’s about being told, sorry your BMI is too high and I don’t want to operate on you. It’s being told in one way or another that you are not good enough or qualified for a job. It’s a sucky feeling. The more it’s told to you, the more you start to believe it. And that has to stop. I feel beaten down and unless you’ve been here, you will never know. It took a lot for me to go to the job interview. It took a lot to silence the voices in my head that were already telling me that I can’ t. It takes so much out of you fill out applications over and over again to never get a phone call. To just feel like you are not good enough, that you can’t compete.
So I guess it’s time to shove 60 pounds down the doctors throat and then use a different doctor.
Feelings are gonna come and go and I have to stop lashing out cause I can feel it and it’s not fair to everyone… I control my feelings as best that I can but it’s taking everything in my power not to eat them.
As I was typing this I got a motivational quote texted to me. I get one everyday.
“This path might not be the right one, but rest assured it will lead you to the one that is.”
Thank you for reading.
Keeping the faith –
P.S. – Kingsize Direct sent me $50 gift card and wanted to know where I’ve been for the past 2 years since I haven’t ordered from them. HA!